Writing.

Kalau tengok balik era kegelapan dulu, sangat banyak menulis. Tapi banyak penulisan yang ana dah buang. Forget there and then. Sebabnya sudah memang terlalu banyak. Banyaknya merepek, so tak kisah sangat.

Baru saja hari tu membaca rungutan seorang sahabat, "Kita ni kurangnya menulis! Kurangnya membaca!" Teruknya nama ana ditag dua kali dalam ruang komen. Aku terlopong jap. Dalam hati, "Kenapa budak ni?"

Sebabnya penulisan sudah lama ana ditepikan. Salah satu sebab adalah kerja ana banyak di alam maya. Banyak di dalam bentuk software. Kalau menulis, tidak hairan sangat dengan word. Lebih suka di atas kertas, baru ada feel.

Dan rakan-rakan ku dah banyak kali ber'blogging'. Dalam satu tahun, tidak banyak ana menulis. Ana akui, telah banyak ana 'spend' untuk berfikir. Sebab sebelum ni, ana menulis tanpa membaca. Menulis tanpa meneliti. Melontarkan tanpa berfikir. Sejak kebelakangan ni (dari semester lepas kot), banyak masa guna untuk berfikir. Tapi berfikir pun, tak tahu berlandaskan apa. Walau apa pun, tetap mencuba untuk berfikir.

A long time, actually, it took for me to get back on track. Because if we don't understand the basics, it's hard  for you to get anywhere. Even though you pretend to get somewhere, when in actual, you are in the same place as you are before.

Second day of camp, sometimes I feel I am of no use. It's also due to my ever-changing health. But now that I think of it, who was the one who said,

"Islam is not just you sit in mosques, you do five prayers. Islam is everything! Islam is the phone. Islam is the internet. Islam is everything! So don't feel like this unit doesn't contribute to Islam."

Me. I said that to my subordinates. As the saying goes, "It's easier said than done." It is easier said. But once we are in the position ourselves, it might take a while. For me, sometimes it takes ages. Feels like forever. But it's better to feel that it's forever than to have it not completed at all. One step at a time. Allah created everyone and everything to have their own uses, right?

Sometimes we may feel... left aside for a while. But we need to realize that everything happens for a reason. We are not left (or felt) aside for no reason. Sometimes we are taken the privilege of having people around us so that it's only us and Allah. So who's sweeter than Allah? Who's more merciful than Allah? Who's more caring than Allah? Even Allah loves us more than our mothers can love us. Isn't that awesome?


But that feeling aside, does not mean feelings of hopelessness. Yes, it does feel like hopelessness. Lost. Abandoned. Stepped on. But if we think back of those feelings, what did they do to us? If they didn't bring us back to Allah, it is no longer Allah's mercy on us. So be grateful when you have tears during your prayers. When you feel so immersed in your dua's. When you feel that you have only Allah. Because that's the mercy of Allah Azza Wajalla.

You know, that's why I stopped writing. There were too many things I wanted to put on paper, that it's hard to jot down every single feeling. Sometimes it gets hard to express yourself. I struggled with that for a while, and sometimes people would try to talk to me, and it doesn't help me to get better. It gets worse. And worse.


But that's the beauty of life. You have ups and downs. If you don't have ups and downs, you are not really living. Or there's something wrong with your life somewhere, maybe.


And, I learned a new term today: Codependent.

Don't know how I got there, actually. If from before, I would be on Wikipedia, jumping from one term to another. It's a good feeling to learn new things everyday. Especially in my liking, I would go to psychological terms. Health terms. Diseases. Symptoms. Factors. Because they are associated with human nature. Like.... you know, behavioral science.

Anyway, I got to codependent. In short, codependency refers to a person who are engaged in a relationship where they put the other person first than themselves, even at their own expense. Mostly related to spouses with alcoholism. According to Lancer (2012), it can also occur to people with a dysfunctional family institution (parents) or an ill parent. Usually, I love reading about (clinical) depression, suicide, addiction. Once I came across OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). It's maybe due to the fact that I have an interest in the career of a therapist (very much likely that I'm not going to be one, haha) and counseling. I love the aspects of counseling. Listening. Helping. Healing. Of course I believe in the power of faith and prayers. But there are certain types of people (friends, mostly) that I want to tackle and I can't use the talk of religion on them. Maybe from the same religion also, it's hard for the message to get across.

As I said earlier, since Islam is everything, I believe in the act of kindness to everything. That's why the best da'wah is done through first impression. How people perceive you. I have on 'Teori Kaunseling menurut al-Ghazali'@(Counseling theories of al-Ghazali). al-Ghazali is known for his Ihya Ulumuddin. *search later yourself, haha.

Back to codependency... http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/symptoms-of-codependency/

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

I'll leave you guys with that for now. Ciao~

Falling behind

I debated whether I should be writing this post in one language or the other, went through several conflicts of interest..... that's why it took me so long to put my thoughts together. And finally putting up the infomations I have been rather diligently collecting (seeing that I'm not diligent enough) for a while. This has waited for... around two weeks, I believe, and since I have the time, I should do this.

1) Sabian
That should be English... I think. In case I'm wrong, look it up if you want.
I came across this article, and went to Wikipedia to check out what it was. The Sabians are stated around 3 times (that I know of) in the Quran;

2:62 - "Sesungguhnya orang mukmin, orang Yahudi, orang Nasrani dan orang Sabi'in, siapa saja di antara mereka yang benar-benar beriman kepada Allah, hari kemudian dan beramal soleh, mereka akan menerima pahala daripada Tuhan mereka, tidak ada kekhuatiran terhadap mereka dan tidak (pula) mereka bersedih hati."

5:69 - "Sesungguhnya orang mukmin, orang Yahudi, orang Sabi'in dan orang Nasrani, siapa saja (di antara mereka) yang benar-benar beriman kepada Allah dan hari kemudia serta beramal soleh, maka tidak ada kekhuatiran terhadap mereka dan mereka tidak pula bersedih hati."

22:17 - "Sesungguhnya orang beriman, orang Yahudi, orang Sabi'in, orang Nasrani, orang Majusi dan orang musyrik, Allah akan memberi keputusan di antara mereka pada hari kiamat. Sesungguhnya Allah menyaksikan segala sesuatu."

2) Kisah Bilal bin Rabah
*changing my language*
Malam itu baru hendak tidur... tapi rasa tidak boleh, so online Facebook jap. Memandang status kakak yang saya sangat respect, tak perasaan isi status tersebut. Selepas itu bermula lah 'perbincangan' tentang sahabat ini.

'Satu hari Abu Zar terserempak dengan Bilal dan menegurnya, "Wahai anak si hitam." Bilal terasa dan berkecil hati dengan Abu Zar, lantas mengadu kepada Rasulullah. Baginda menegur Abu Zar, "Wahai Abu Zar, sesungguhnya masih ada jahiliah dalam diri kamu." Abu Zar meminta maaf dengan meletakkan mukanya ke tanah untuk Bilal pijak.' Terasa macam dipaksa, tapi terima kasih sahabat.

(Susahnya untuk menulis dalam bahasa sendiri.... takpe, cuba, cuba) Begitulah al-kisahnya. sebenarnya cerita di sebalik cerita ini, ada pengalaman pahit. Tapi disebabkan sudah satu semester berlalu, dalam otak dah terpahat yang peristiwa tersebut adalah pengalaman manis. Berapa banyak kawan yang cerita tentang sahabat nabi dalam satu hari? Atau satu bulan? Atau setahun? Tak tahu la. Sebab itu pengajaran disebaliknya saya ingat sampai sekarang.

"Dan jika kamu menghitung nikmat Allah, nescaya kamu tidak akan dapat menentukan jumlahnya. Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Pengampunan lagi Maha Penyayang." Al-Quran 16:18

Suddenly I have forgotten what I was going to say. Oh, and I'm glad the attacks on Gaza are put on hold. I didn't know how to be happy when my relatives are over there fighting.

*changing topic* I always wanted to say this, but I really am grateful for where I am right now. Sometimes I get envious; but envious is a disease. When I look at others being happy, I stop to think, "That's not permanent happiness. They'll find other people. They'll leave and hurt and get hurt themselves." And I could have still be like that if I didn't find my way out of it. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad. I don't like fighting over it. Fighting brings out temper -- discussing doesn't. Even though the person who I want to have a discussion with the most is telling me to forget it. It's hurting, but it heals. Because that kind of pain heals and is never permanent. If you let it be, it might. Usually not.

And sometimes people give signals about my name. You may not realize it, but I'm sensitive about it. Since I own a very common name. Even with my father's name. But then it's okay, but I've come to terms with it, due to my name's meaning. I love this phrase.

"Setiap kamu adalah pemimpin, dan kamu akan dipertanggungjawabkan atas kepimpinan kamu."

I think I'm done. For now. I'll leave you with this.

Cloud.

That's Cloud Strife. If anyone doesn't know him already. Anyone a fan of the RPG Final Fantasy VII would know him. *shrugs* First thing that came into my mind from the title. I had wanted his figurine so badly.




The wind whistled through my ears, and I tried to settle back to sleep on the grassy field, which seemed to stretch forever. It was what I thought when I was younger; so it has been my favourite spot to hide and gather my thoughts.


The words stabbed back at my memory, "You've got nothing on you!" I shook my head as soon as I sat up, holding my head with my hand. I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. I knew I could do anything if I put my mind to it, how'd those words snipe so much at me? I starred onto the open field and left my fingers trailed on the grass, hoping I find something. Just something.


I looked up and the clouds were trailing, many shapes and sizes just seemed to race against each other. It made me chuckle slightly and put my mind into thinking mode. Suddenly I was on my knees, my fists down to the ground. I started to tremble heavily, every once of my body feared a power. Slowly, I mouthed, "... Allah... I need Your guidance... there is nothing I can do for myself...." The realization struck at me, slightly surprised me; I was sad. I was sobbing, trembling even further.... I had wanted to do this since so long.


The words, the threats, the mocks from those who despise me so badly, it really had tired me down. I calmed down a little but the tears kept pouring out and the voice in my head seemed to sound, "That's it... Let it all out to your God." I choked on my sobs, which forced them to slow down. I sat back to where I was, a hand to the side of my face. I tried to wipe them away, but the voice didn't let me and energy left my body completely. Sighing, I clutched into the soil, practically dragging my nails into it. I didn't mind. I needed to do what it takes to gather my thoughts and somehow find solitary with it.




The wind wheezed through again, signalling the end of my breakdown. It usually happens like that; maybe Allah knows that I needed to cry and talk to Him, that's why He brought me to a quiet place. I glanced up at the clouds again, they seemed to have stopped 'racing'. I reached out my hands, almost waving, but I kept them there. The scratches were still there along my arms where they had put it; they who bullied me constantly, and even though I acted cool as it happened, it stabbed at my heart. Everyday they'd stab at where it hurts, telling me to go away. I had stayed up a couple of nights, asking for His help, and days later, I found calamity in staying, despite the bullying. It had been physical (the scratches from broken window panels), emotional and psychological. They made everyone leave me, and I was forced to spent classes by myself. Everyone avoided me consequently due to fear they'd get bullied, too.


I didn't mind, however. The 'cats' made me realize that I owned nothing -- gave me peace and quiet (oddly) for me to think things out by myself. As they had pointed out, the scars from before meant I was insane even before I came. I took the remark positively -- moving foster homes hasn't been that easy on me and I was tested further with both of my parents (alive and remarried) not wanting me. My parents did visit, separately, sometimes together, literally throwing onto me things that meant very little to me. I kept them, however, in a special place within my gigantic wardrobe, provided by my parents.


Now I stayed with an aunt, who came home very late at night, being a doctor. She'd come in my room, drunk, telling me as she trailed her finger on my cheek, how unlucky I am, how sorry she felt for me, then proceeded with the stories of her patients, her surgeries. I learned a lot from those moments, because for a complex person, she could explain her surgeries in a very simple manner, the diseases, the remedies. Sometimes I'd leave a recorder by my bed stand in case I would fall asleep. Happened often, unfortunately, since I'm weak to her warm gestures.


I never talked to her, or anyone really, about my traumatic experience. I was actually scared of anyone touching me, minus Aunt Sally's petting my head late at night. The scars remained, grew, especially on my arms. Though, due to Aunt Sally's habit of getting drunk, we'd get in trouble with Child services. Sometimes I wish they'd leave me where I was most comfortable, instead of poking where it hurt. CS reminded me so much of my bullies. I attended a girls' school and the workers who visited the house were always women. It actually made me think that men don't work in such area -- I had never seen a man come around. Three foster homes, all of them I had to act out just to get back to my aunt. I had to. I was left with no choice. I prayed countless nights, looking for signs, just trying to hang on.


The drunk nights from Aunt Sally slowly stopped but she still came in before she crawled to bed, caressing me, telling me that I deserved more than this from her. Aunt Sally was very sad for me, sometimes I'd get up and hold her tightly, telling her that she's stronger, much stronger, than what she thought of herself. She didn't get drunk intentionally, I knew without her telling me, but when I begged her before she went to work to not come home drunk, she'd usually listen. The next year, I am to turn 18 and I would be the legal age and CS wouldn't have no business with me any longer, and I would be there for Aunt Sally.




The flashback went away and I was awaken by someone's arms wrapping themselves around me from the back. "Ainaa." The voice almost sighed as the person put her chin to my shoulder; I knew it was my aunt.


"Do you always go here?"


I searched around for a perfect answer, but instead just came up with, "I got lost. Are you skipping work?"


Aunt Sally chuckled and flashed her smile, which always took my breath away. "Saturday, silly." She should smile more often like that, I thought to myself. I turned around and gave her a long hug,

A thousand miles.

I don't know.
Maybe I should go away, maybe I should turn away?
I want to give you everything
But if only you'd take them
You wouldn't and I can't force you
You're messing with my head, you
Took my eyesight to a whole new perspective
And I saw what I couldn't before

What is it
That has gone so wrong with our ride?
I thought
We put our seatbelts on
I thought we paid for the insurance
Our passport, our IDs
What is it?
Tell me
Because you know I'll go back to the beginning
Just to fix what went wrong
So we could enjoy our ride again.

But it's not 'our' anymore
Now it's me by myself
Taking a grip on the wheel
I slammed my foot on the gas paddle
And it moved on, and on, and on...


Now I've left you. 

You want to say anything anymore
I left my cellphone on just so I could pick up your call
My bluetooth set on
My head turned off
My foot glued on the paddle
Waiting..
Just waiting for me to run out of gas.

If I don't,
Does that mean I've moved on 
from where I was?


Someone tell me where I am
I don't know who I am
I'm clear
I'm off
I've gone across the boundary, against my limits
Just to get there to you.






I just came up with this, with the thoughts of a rocket ship, the bordering Thailand and a friend that I feel is losing. Oh, and the song "Space bound".

Deja vu?

I just want to say how grateful I am to be able to even want to say anything. Because for me especially, it is a gift. When I can't say words, even in writing, that would be bad.


Ever get a deja vu feeling? Is that hyphenated..? Deja-vu... there. Probably the latter.
Anyway, yeah, I would assume that everyone would get the feeling at some parts in their life. Today was one for me, I remembered one of my dreams; just flashed through my head. It's slightly upsetting, when I get flashes of images. It's almost as hard as remembering what you dreamt of the night before -- if you don't remember.
Most of the memory I have is like that.


Hmm... you know, I feel like the more I try to heal, the more wounds I see.
My friend argued the fact that I had a blog -- I just said that it's good to be able to go back posts and see how much I've grown, lessened, if I were to become a hypocrite and such, blogs are good for that reason.
It's like that. Because sometimes (maybe all the time) I can't be satisfied with what people say. Since they can lie to my face without me even noticing it. Not that it matters. Maybe it's for my own self-ego.

I think I like to jump topics, no?

Back to the healing process -- it scares me. Maybe what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure how I want to see myself grown up. Because I'm passed the legal age, but I still can't run away from the house without the police tracking me down and bringing me back. That scares me, too. Not the police part, but the legal part.

How DO anyone want to grow up? Since we can't actually track EVERYTHING we do and make sure we turn out fine. Do we want to even turn out fine? I don't know if I wanted to or not. But I just feel it is scary. You know why? Because I'm my own biggest critic. Everyone is. Everything I do, I have to question myself; barely do I sit back and think about my own actions. Probably I should start doing that. Because when I see someone older than me acting in some sort of way, I fear of turning out that way. Not that I'm saying I'm criticising the person for how they are, I just want to be fine. You know.


Guess paranoia goes a long way.


One thing I love about literature? People can't judge you for the jumping topics, being unclear of what you are trying to say and just read and be like, "Don't know what she's talking about, but I just spent minutes reading nothing."

This has been a normal-deprived person. Thank you.

Waha.

Okay, fine, I'm a little lazy to find an appropriate title.


First off, I just want to say here that I'm a little excited + scared + anxious + every other feelings combined about the upcoming semester. But I'm sure it'll all be just fine.

I had a revelation. You know. I don't even know what that means. Haha. But seriously, I've been thinking since one of my cousins got married. I thought.. "Okay, in a few years, everyone's going to get married EVENTUALLY... and then it'd be my turn... Gulp!" Scary. That's what marriage is to me. Plain scary. How do  you know that you're going to marry someone who's going to be there for you till the end of your life? I don't know. So don't ask me.

And ever since my 'change', I learned a lot of things.

One, people can say really negative things. Like, girls who wear longer hijabs can go around and do bad things themselves..... I took a moment to swallow that. What does that mean? It means some people can have a very negative outlook on something and sometimes you just can't buy them. Yet.


Two, before or after my change, my friends still say I'm quiet. Haven't I been quiet all these years? Maybe. To my room mates however, my 'quietness' may depend on many variables.

Y'know, the other day I was at Nilai 3 for my mother wanted to look at some fabrics, and I sat in the car with my father and little brother because I was a little fatigued. My sleeping patterns had been off for over a month then and I haven't quite yet fixed it, even now. And I saw something after closing my eyes for a few minutes; a woman and her daughter passing by, and they covered a portion of their face. (Gosh, I can't remember the name of that thing...)

There. But the girl was wearing glasses, so that's why I fell in love. I can see myself like that. The problem is, in the country, we are not encouraged to wear it. Why? I always wondered. What's so wrong about it? Even with a long hijab, I've had someone tell me, "You won't be in a workplace where everyone's going to wear like you do, you know that, right?" I took a deep breath then. I couldn't believe what I heard.

You know what's worst? I actually hesitated. I don't do hesitation very well. Because I've always done things because I know they are/were/will be the right thing to do. I thought to myself, "I should worry about work later on? How about the fact that Our Creator is not pleased with me now? Nobody is worried about that for me." I guess it's true what people tell me, "Satan is not going to sit still." I will say this right here and right now, go on Satan. Inject hesitation and doubt in myself -- because I believe in His guidance. He's not going to leave me by myself while I drown, and I admit it, I'm still choking violently. I feel suffocation every other day, and it's not nice, I tell you. But it's worth the suffocation. The mood swings, the pain I hold inside in order to find something better.

Sometimes I am happy. Yes, I CAN be happy, don't give me that look. *facepalm* I'm not always a grumpy old man, I can be happy and giddy. It just depends on the situation. Lately, I've found serenity and peace in a whole different feeling. It's really, really nice.

So in my change, people will go, some may stay. The ones who go, and think I'm changing, please see that I'm not changing. I can't be. It hasn't even been two months, how could I possibly change in such a short amount of time? That's ridiculous. Give me time, and I'll show you that I'm still the same person as I was before. But sometimes I think, I don't deserve time from anyone. How could I? Who am I? I'm only someone who lacks in every single way, but I believe in time, that I can find myself once more, and be content with myself once and for all. Please believe me. But if you don't believe me anyway, it won't sadden me. Because I believe in myself now, and that alone has kept me going for this long.

And it took me long to get here because I know society. I know what I'll get myself into. That's why I took so long -- I thought about changing for over two years, but I couldn't execute it until I'm convinced in which way I would like to change. Once I make up my mind, then I'm good to go. Because I'm that kind of person. It's hard for me to start, but once I know what I'm doing, it becomes hard for me to stop.


Look... I already forgot what I was going on about. Wha? Yes, I know.


I think... I don't want to say anyone is right, or wrong, in saying anything to me. You can say anything to me, because it's partly my job to interpret what you say into some way so that I can understand. And I'm not mad, nor disappointed. I'm just grateful that some people are willing to be honest about what they feel about what I'm 'doing' (would it be considered doing if it's connected to wearing?) I just feel that sometimes, it's because of things like this (saying less appropriate things to other people) that makes them not want to do what they originally wanted to do. We should respect each other's opinion, but please, say I'm wrong when I am. I didn't say that I don't want to hear that I'm wrong. I'm still learning, but don't judge too hard, because it is very, very, VERY confusing. Take it from me because I've been there back and forth. I've had self-dialogues and I had to think very hard, rationally, sometimes emotionally. But I'm aware that we're not supposed to follow our emotions, because we are granted something, called the mind, to help us think.


Wallahualam.

Life is like a subjective question apart from those that are clear of their objectiveness.-

Something?

I had a phone call yesterday, stating that I am to pick up my new glasses whenever I am free.
That kept me hanging on for hours.


As of yesterday, I FINALLY (yes!) finished typing out for my father. It was heart-wrenching and boring, for the most part, and I came to realize it is that of these tasks that I am equipped with the basics. So thank you, my father and mother~


I think I had only a post for April?
I was going to write more, and I've had ideas swimming in the back of my head, just tickling to get onto a soft copy. That didn't make sense, did it now?

Well, I question the fact that if I ever made sense throughout my existence.
Ever since I saw my Twilight Saga Books got torn up right in front of my eyes, and I had to contribute to some of it, my heart started beating unusually. I know, because one of the two things I do frequently on a daily basis is listen to my own heartbeat. Literally, and metaphorically.

It wasn't nice, but it was a relief of some sort. I can't give it up completely.
But thinking of the painful memories it brought -- I get caught in a twist between two distinct feelings.
Wanting to let go, and unable to let go.

This is to you.

She had felt something troubling her heart for quite a while, but she never seemed to pinpoint on what it is. And that day it finally came true. Anguish washed over her feature, she took his hand with hers as usual, and came aboard the bus. They sat in a position as always, and she could feel her heart doubled in terms of beating.


I guess you could say she had always been this way. Always paranoid, always overthinking. But one can only guess what would happen on that fateful day.
It wasn't that she didn't want him with her, it was the exact opposite. Wasn't the fact that she didn't want to be on the bus heading back to her home -- it was something else.


As they arrived at the bus terminal, a tear dropped down from her left eye. She didn't want it to be this way. She hadn't planned on getting this far. Whatever happened before -- it broke her completely. He seemed to know all of this, but he hadn't had the strength to stop himself. But why didn't he? A question that flashed through her head millions of times.


Everyone saw it, but they didn't want to be a part of it. The anguish grew, and with every line engraved under her eyes, they avoided her. She is sure to be a trouble, they whispered. With her head down, he didn't follow behind her as always. She kept going forward and forward, avoiding all glances as the glances avoided her. He fell on his knees and choked up blood. Feeling helpless, he passed out in the midst of a crowd, with her losing sight. It didn't help that she couldn't see. The anguish finally found its peak, and he cried loudly for her; trying to hold himself by hugging his knees tightly to his chest. One may wonder why no one helped him -- it was because he wasn't there. Not for real, that is.


The girl with soft blue eyes finally turned back, dropped all her belongings, and ran to the place where she had lost him in the first place. She knew this was going to happen -- but what did happen? He had died so many years ago, yet everytime she came to the same place, she sensed him. He was begging for her. No, she had begged him, but he gave no response. With bloodshot eyes, he pulled the trigger to his head right in front of her eyes on the fateful day. And that fateful day replayed itself like a broken record, taunting her. Why didn't she stop him? Because she couldn't. She wouldn't. Because stopping him would be like telling him to live with his and her misery for the rest of his sick life. And she couldn't have that even though she suffered the most damages.


Dropping to her knees, she held her hands to her head and cried bitterly, as loud as the sound drowned out with the crowd chattering away. It was like she wasn't even there, but was she?

Only she knew.