Monday, May 15, 2017

Drowning as I breathe

It's time for a post! Aka time for me to rant relentlessly.

So these past few weeks has been dragging me back and forth across a hard, sharp surface, wounding me in every possible way and I've been nothing but weak and falling into the hands of the darkness. Because of this, I haven't been quite myself, struggling with the simplest of things like getting out of bed to following my routines. Let's flash back to a few years.

My parents raised me to be an independent woman. When I'm feeling myself, I know that the freedom and independence they have given me especially was to teach me to walk on my own two feet and I consider myself self-reliant. But I never realized that because of the way I was raised, I became emotionally reliant to others, desperate for validation to see the value of my self-worth. I was desperate for love from my parents, I was desperate for validation from others, I was desperate to grow up and show everyone that I could make it. Well I was wrong. And I've dragged myself so much, one could say I developed a lot of insecurities because of it. And it's time to stop.

I cut myself from one of the few people I truly loved because of an incident and I did it so drastic that it broke me. But how does one say that he/she loves others when they destroy another relationship because of that love? I don't know. Yesterday I crashed and burned and I crawled back to my past spot, hoping that maybe it would heal me. You know how people say that you cannot love others if you don't love yourself first? It's something like that. You cannot be reliant on others to love you while you are breaking, tearing and putting yourself down. And I've been so insistent on getting and finding love that it broke me. Physically and emotionally. And it's time to finally break the bad habit.

But today, for the first time in many days that I was out of bed for a whole day, I finally felt the thrill of living again. I finally looked forward to something, and I finally was content. Maybe it's just for the day, but that's okay. We live day by day, there's no need to feel the pressure of being happy for a long periods of times, it's okay to break once in a while. Then you get up. Then fall. And repeat the process. That's what life is about, right?