Friday, November 19, 2010

Speak Now.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I took you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And, you're mortified
Your mom's dropping you off
At, fourteen there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But, don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJ's getting ready for school

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad get's home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brothers favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So, here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So, I tucked myself in and turned my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even you want to
Please, try to never grow up

Oh, whoa
Don't you ever grow up
Oh, whoa
Never grow up
Just never grow up

I love, love, love, LOVE Taylor Swift's Speak Now album.
Get it now!
Anyway, this is one of my favourite songs (though I like all of them O:)
Also, the Speak Now song. It's very... um, I don't know.
Quote, "There's like a Taylor Swift moment for everything!"
And that is true. Haha. I stayed up all night, trying to listen to the songs in this album.
Sadly, I do not have the original copy, as my oldest brother, Ridhwan, got it for me.

Anyway, I've been studying, whenever I could get my hands on my study mood. (Which, mind you, doesn't really happen very often...)
But! I'm done with school. Period.
And in three weeks, no more finals. Yay?
I don't know what I should do in three months. Yikes. Well, I'm taking my driving license, some cooking lessons (perhaps) and then... I'm pretty clueless.

Oh yeah.
I'm also drawing Summaya(l) Though I still can't make up my mind on which picture I should pick, but no matter!
I've three months to think about that.
Well... right now, it's 1:!5 and I have just one more subject to cover for today; Religion.
I don't know why, I keep having it left behind. :( Poor it.
Usually because I pass out, since I finish at 2, but today, I started earlier!
I'm getting better at following my own schedule. Lol.

You know what's sad about finishing school? (Or maybe happy?)
I don't get my privacy-not-so-privacy. Well, more socializing from now on, I guess. Depends on where I'll end up on June 1st. o_O
No, it's not the sleep talking, it's still me.
Well then, I think I'll wrap up here.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Okay, maybe I was gone for too long.
Hello. Greetings. Whichever.

There has been a lot of things that troubled me lately. Most of which things I can't help but won't say on here. Let's just say I'm growing up.

though I do think I'm acting a little differently recently.
Not sure why.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I've gone back to following people's orders and putting their needs before mine. More than usual, that is. Usually I'd put up a fight. Scowl. Frown. But now I don't anymore. Maybe sense has gotten to me. I don't know.

But it's nothing I enjoy.
Apart from the fact that everyone else is happy. It's enough.

I have an event this Tuesday, I hope it goes well. I hope Dad is around before.. or else, I don't know how I'm going to get to school. Walk? Not likely. Not in a dress.

One thing that's come fruit from all this misery... WAIT. Nothing's come fruit.
Oh well.

Do you know what's funny?
I'm bleeding on the ground but I seem to hide it so well, nobody ever notices it anymore. Of course, exception when my bad mood comes along, then it appears very visible.
No worries, though.
I have hope in God, and God knows what's best for me. He can send me anywhere He wants.
I don't mind, really.

It's not like I'm living the life I want. It's not like I'm doing the things I want.
Not anymore.
Breathing hurts and it's hard to take steps, but I do it anyway, for the sake for my friends and family.
I'm holding on because they want me to. I'm doing what THEY want.
Not what I want. And, for the assurance, I don't want to let go. I mean, I want something else than what people expect from me. I live up to it because they want me to.
Strange, isn't it?
I'd usually rant about it and go 'emo', but now I don't?
Or maybe I do slightly, just not around people. Maybe with you slightly.

Apples was gone all day. I miss her. I wonder where she went?
Or maybe it's already time for her to leave me? Hmm...

Anyway, I'm studying... at 4am.
See ya. Au revoir.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Monday 0800 - 1015 Malay Paper 1
1400 - 1630 Malay Paper 2
22nd November

Tuesday 0800 - 0945 English Paper 1
1030 - 1245 English Paper 2
23rd November

Wednesday 0800 - 0900 History Paper 1
1000 - 1230 History Paper 2
24th November

Thursday 0800 - 0915 Mathematics Paper 1
1000 - 1230 Mathematics Paper 2
25th November

Monday 0800 - 1000 PI Paper 1 (Islamic Studies)
1100 - 1240 PI Paper 2 (Islamic Studies )
29th November

Tuesday 0800 - 1000 Additional Mathematics Paper 1
1400 - 1630 Additional Mathematics Paper 2
30th November

Wednesday 0800 - 0915 Physics Paper 1
1000 - 1230 Physics Paper 2
1400 - 1530 Physics Paper 3
1st December

Monday 0800 - 0915 Chemistry Paper 1
1000 - 1230 Chemistry Paper 2
1400 - 1530 Chemistry Paper 3
6th December

Wednesday 0800 - 0915 Biology Paper 1
1000 - 1230 Biology Paper 2
1400 - 1530 Biology Paper 3
8th December

I LOST MY FREAKING PAPER!!!!!!! So like, yeah, I have this in Notepad, and you, my blog, is of more use to moi.
So yeah..

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I miss you so much, blog. So sorry if you seem to think you were being neglected; I just didn't have enough... interesting 'misadventures' to rant about.

So. Yes. Now. I. Do. YAY.

I have to confess my feelings of affection towards visiting the hospital. Though I myself can't explain as to why. Maybe it's being around white walls. Not that I'm implying anything. Of course not.

I had a... um, nightmare? No, it was most certainly not a nightmare. Even though it should be counted.. I mean, MAY be counted as a nightmare.
A serial killer trying to kill my family and I. Nightmare? I loved the dream.

Well, apart from having to kill him with an axe (even though I must say it was amusing to have chopped him up >:] *cackle*) Also, having to tell Summaya that I might not be able to live. As I was concerned to have to chop him up twice because he's just... I don't know how to explain it. He looked similar to a norm zombie, but he was not of one. He was killed by me the first time around. To have to explain about the event about him still being alive afterwards just goes against my abasive nature. *coughs maniacally*

Anyway, yeah, since it's already Eid and all, I had done a lot of 'travelling' and socializing; both of which I should do more often. That, according to society itself and my ring of friends. (Though I am just happy being in my own Wonderland.)

Oh yeah! Since I was talking about having to die and all (straying from the topic of Eid and travelling and socializing....) I never thought that I'd be afraid to leave this world. I mean, I do not value my life. (Though I should. And you, too. Don't take me for an example. Really. Don't.) And so, I was surprised at the turn of events -- me being scared to death (it becomes very ironic over here, no?) about dying. Or maybe I was just scared of leaving her.

I've always had that trouble.

Countless of times already I had tried to leave the treasured friendship behind, forcing myself to believe that she is probably way better off without me around. Or just, you know, better without me on the whole. I don't know.

Depression has a way of talking that issue to my head. Several times.

Moving on....

Orange ring. Omigosh. I've been like, dreaming of it so many times now, I think I'm putting my hopes too high for it. Maybe.. what do you think, blog?

But perhaps it's best I do not wear a ring on any of my fingers. Remember what happened to the last one? I'm still like, scarred over that silly little mistake.

By the way, I now have a new sort of medication. Kinda. Apparently the doctors think (yes, I mean doctors -- since there was two doctors attending to me) that it's the muscle being... um, bruised? Something along the lines. Haven't I heard of that one before? And I had medicine to ease the bruising and 'burning up' feeling. Huh. Whatever. But I'm taking my sweet, sweet time to finish the medication, since it'd be finished in around 4 days max. From today onwards, that is.

OMG, blog, you know what? Yesterday morning, after I woke up (around 4:30am-ish), I started shivering madly and I had to literally curl up under the blankets and I had to cool down my temperature (a wet rag on my forehead, that is). I was so scared it might have been a fever or something. Fortunately, I believe, it was just a very, very hot flush. It shocked me. It pained a lot, too. Ugh.

Now that I think about it, I have a major headache. Probably from talking to you, blog, but it's okay. (l)

Apparently, blog, Mom met with Aunt Gee and Fara. I'm like, SHIT!!!!!! I wanna, wanna, SOOO freaking much to see her. I.. don't know where the sudden feeling of missing is coming from, but I just flippin' miss her that much. But oh well. She's coming this Saturday. In hope, my blog. In hope. And we'll have another rant session. Yippee?

Speaking of which, it's raining and my chest is feeling rather uncomfortable. Double ugh.

And guess what? I deleted his number. Yeah, HIS number. I was so mad when he finally picked up his phone that night, that I just deleted his number. PERIOD.
I was like, "Heck, you lied and won't care about me; why do I still have your number again!? *DELETE*"
I felt like I was no longer suffocated. It was the strangest feeling ever. Like, I so mean it, blog.

I probably should wrap up soon (chest pains and stomachache. The fish.) but I don't want to!
Um....... I miss her. Damn it. DAMN IT, BLOG. She's on a freaking date. ...Well, just out with her friend, but she called it a date. She probably doesn't realize how freaking jealous I'm enrolled with right now. Like crap, I even missed her on. What an unlucky day... >:[

I should get to sleep now.... I guess so.
I'll just lay in bed and wait for the pain to pass along, or grow tired of hurting me every few seconds. (Which is, like, kinda amazing if it does. Unfortunately, pain knows not of the misery it brings to human beings. Especially human beings, because pain is not even alive. What am I saying? Uh.... Just nod and say yes.)

Oh yeah, I also miss him so very much. Much love for you if you are reading this.

P.S. I also now have a student. I'm tutoring her English. Well, just on The Pearl by John Steinbeck as it's going to come in for our finals. But still. I have a freaking student!?!!!?!!?!? ftw. (l)

Missed you so, blog. I love you.
Goodnight. &&Aim, lock and mass murder;;

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Okay, so I've been a little.... um, bombarded with unnecessary feelings.
Don't ask. It's complicated.
So I thought that blogging would help.

Where do I start?
Ah.. I haven't been well. It contributes, I guess, to the whole mood thing.
It's not pleasant, sure, it never is.
But sometimes it's stuff like this that makes us stronger.
Mah, that sounded so cliche.

Oh yeah, I was going to listen to the radio (American Top 40) but I thought it'd be best if I got rid of this ..particularly annoying thoughts.

I never have anything to say, but I end up babbling about nonsense.

Do you know the feeling?
When you thought that someone cared, they seemed to, but after a while, they.. like, act like you don't exist.
It's stupid, when I think it over. But I can't help it from upsetting me.
More upsetting is when I realize that.. I'm not anyone to disturb them.
Maybe they have a reason. ..Or an excuse.
Or maybe they just really didn't care in the first place. I don't know.

That's enough.

There hasn't been any events to speak of lately, so...

I guess I'm done?

Oh yeah.... next Friday I'm going to have to miss my Additional Mathematics class. Again.

My dad has some event, and my mom has to follow.. which would lead me to following because there's little Daniel.
It's not much. Just... stay in the hotel and take care of him.
It doesn't seem much of a task.
I'm kinda disappointed.

Not that I think the class is any important (even though it really is) but... It's just that, I feel that it's some sort of sacrifice.
Just like going to the hospital. Not that it could sound any weirder.
Or could it?
You know, leaving something behind.. wasting my dad's time on taking me there, when in the end, they find nothing.
I find it wasteful. When it ends in nothing productive.
And when something doesn't lead or end in something productive, it's a waste of time.
And I don't have time to waste.

Sounds like I'm making a mountain out of a mole?
A tornado in a cup? (Or whatever that idiom is now)

But I feel that way.
And whatever I feel, matters to me. No matter what people might say.
I hold back when people say their opinions. Or laugh about it.

Truth be told, strangely, I have the strangest urge to .. get mad when people laugh.
I don't know, maybe it's past experience.
I'm trying to let go of it, because it's not exactly something.. particularly good in holding in.
Like feelings. But that's another story.

Also like, falling objects. I overreact.
Usually when I'm washing dishes, and one of the plates move just slightly, I become berserk with it. Only realizing it was just a flinch.
It doesn't make me feel stupid (as it should) only feel more.. um, upset, I guess.

And there goes my brother.
We have a certain KPI for Saturday nights. If you don't know what KPI is... Google it or something. Lol. Sorry, my mind is not working right now.
We're supposedly going to the mosque or the small scale one. (No, it's not literally small scale, it's just not a mosque. -.-;)

I'm going to go now.
Seeeee yaaaa. Have a nice day, fellow friends.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


Okay, again, I don't remember the last time I updated this blog, but oh well.

I'm alive and well, amazingly.

Hm... this week is exam week, again. Will continue till the next.
I'm just.. very exhausted. Tired of reading.
And so, sleep is an important time right now (as it is always) but I don't know why, I'm awake at this hour.

First thing's first;
my form teacher.

Unfortunately (or fortunately..?) she met my mother last Thursday and they were talking about me. -_-
Like.. yes, I do like her way of teaching, I think I've told my mother about it, too.
But it's like, a mockery to me, the way my mother told me what my teacher told her.
I was just, forgive my language, pissed off that day.
VERY much so.

Second, my body is slowly being teared apart. Everything hurts.
Apparently there's a bump on my head, too, and that scares the hell out me.
When and where did I get that bump?
God knows and I think I'll go psychotic by the end of this month.
I don't know.
Just an intuition.

Thirdly, yesterday, on Saturday, I went out to this mall, called the 'ioi mall'.
One word; huge.
It was absolutely amazing!
And me, being the anti-social type, was simply amazed... no, awed by the size.
I seriously could easily get lost there, though. ...Which is scary to an extent.
Anyway, we went there (my family and I) because my father's friend asked us out to go bowling with this (Should I say important? He's just the brother of the Minister of Defense, though) family. You know, just to get to meet each other or something.
I had this feeling that I've seen them before. Oh, yes, at this wedding (huge wedding, by the way, according to the amount of people invited and the size of the.. place of the wedding) where we were invited as well.
(Random comment, but I feel like I've attended a good amount of weddings already this year.)

Yes, so I was wandering around. I only went because I had to purchase new earphones and the.. 'connection' thing for my phone. (It's like for this.. handsfree [Took me long enough to figure that out])

I don't know about most girls, but since my mother said all girls would like shopping, apart from a few percentage (like myself) who don't, but like, I enjoyed being there. It reminds me of the time, I went shopping with my former best friend (who, by the way, I haven't been able to reach, because I heard her mother is holding her phone, due to reasons) and this other girl who took me by the hand, and dragged me everywhere.
I liked it, regardless. Since I'm not really the type to go out. (Because.. well, the outside world doesn't really appeal to me. Though it would be nice, if I knew how to roam around [by myself, more importantly] and actually have somewhere to go to, like most teenagers my age.)

Anyway.. where was I?
Oh yeah, shopping. With this girl. Well, I was just dragged around, so I was forced to look at shoes and stuff she looked at.
Seeing her enjoyment brought me enjoyment.
I didn't really know why she held my hand O_o, or maybe it's because I walked too slow? Or didn't seem to care? Either way, I'm glad she did.

That was... a moment for me. Something to remember.

Hm.. I seem to have gotten lost from the topic I was talking about. x_X
Oh yeah, the mall.
New earphones.
Which I've gotten now, yay.


I was wearing shades in the mall. So everyone, mostly I think, stared at me.
In which my brother told me, even though I knew already.

Him : "People are staring at you."

Me : "I know. That was my purpose. So they would stare. Now I'll never feel neglected. :D"

Him : "Yeah. You'll be known as the girl who wore shades in the mall. xD"

I wore them half way, but since I have glasses, I had to switch them from time to time.
To like.. I don't know. o_O The shades kinda make me feel short. ...Which is horrible, 'cause I hate feeling short. (Though maybe I am short, anyway.. -_-)

Then when we finally reached the bowling area, third floor, Uncle Fuad (my father's friend who invited us) and Uncle Luqman (the man, yes, the brother of the Minister of Defence. [Random comment #2; everytime I refer to him as the brother of the Minister of Defence, I feel.. um, how do I say this? I don't like.. referring to people as in their ranks, connection to people, and so on. I think that's.. I don't know, very... immature to an extent. It's like, knowing people just because they have extra sweets and not for themselves. I don't like that. It's ..not really my thing. I kinda despise it.]) was already there, I think they started a few rounds.

I didn't want to play, so my brother and I actually planned to play in the cyber cafe, but then I found out we can't really play there. (Long story cut short -- It's not really the cyber cafe.)

We went around for a bit, roamed around the computer area and he ended up (also myself for a moment) looking at this 'Warcraft' (I think? So long since I've seen anyone play that game) on one of the TV screens. The player was pretty amazing. Even I, who have no skills whatsoever in that sort of games, knew that.

Like my brother said, "That's why you don't control everything. You are only one." He said to me saying that I can't really play that sort of games, because I won't know how to manage things that happened. Apart from Red Alert. (This... Gee, does anyone not know Red Alert? It's so cool. Territory. Like a military game, should I say? Tanks, heli's, um, soldiers, and all that. The goal is to conquer. Oh! Or maybe it was 'Command and Conquer'? One of them.) I actually managed to handle everything, until I messed it up by sending all my troops to one point on the map and not one group by one group. (That was dumb, by the way. I should've thought first. Oh well.)

After roaming around, I decided to go back to where my parents were, because I was tired from walking too much. Huge place.

This time, I put on my shades again. xD Uncle Fuad was like, wow O_o.
I shrugged at him and smiled.

Anyway, if you haven't noticed from the way I put it, I really like attention. Who doesn't? I even read that women supposedly love attention. Heck, even I do. And I don't even consider myself as a real girl.

After all that, after some photos and whatnot (I'm skipping 'cause my head hurts right now) we all went to eat dinner. (Around 9, I believe, I remember telling myself, "We're not going to make it" and looked at my watch when it was 2100.)

The food was alright, but it reminded me of my cat.
I'm not.
Haha, and that's because I think ahead of my typing. (Most of the times, anyway.)

My cat, Mimie, used to eat rice with some soy sauce and pieces of fish.
To me, it was a delicious meal, too. And no, I do not eat with my cat. It's not really advised to eat with your pets, by the way. o-o

But no, anyway, it wasn't fish. That time, it was chicken.
It's been a while since I ate like that.
Brought back good and bad memories.

When we finally got back from the place, we departed and headed home.
Yes, you've guessed right, I told my parents about the whole 'referring to people' thing and my father was like, "Good, good!" I'm not sure if that was sarcasm but whatever. I rolled my eyes and forced myself to sleep, but I couldn't.

And all the while, I was looking at my phone.
I've been doing that for a while. Staring at my phone.
I think ever since the start of last week.
I wished a certain someone to text me, but I wasn't disappointed when none came in. I kinda expected it, but I kept on hoping. Who knows, maybe things could change. Naive thinking, I know, but that's the fun of being immature.
Not in the sense that I do not know how to mature, but I mean, I'm naive in a lot of things. Which, by the way, is bad, when it 'attacks' you in such a way. I must admit, I don't like it myself. But I get over it, because I think that, if I'm naive, then I am. I can't change until I want to. Or if somehow, a situation, hopefully not a person. (Apart from Maya. She's allowed to change me, in all sort of ways.)

But until then, I'm going to stay as a 'kid'.

Okay... too much?
If anyone read this, it'd be pretty amazing.
Not that it's not wanted, it's just not expected.

I think.. I should go back to sleep. I can't afford to blank out tomorrow, even though it's Religion studies. I believe it's important, too. I NEED to get all A's.
You have no idea how much it means to me to achieve that.

Anyway, yeah, my head is sleeping. Or/and maybe me myself, as well.

Last but not least, I'm ending with a thank you.
To anyone who reads this. For reading. And acknowledging the existence of this blog. O_o
Thank you.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010


What is happiness?

I'm sure a lot of you will say, "Duh, happiness is feeling happy."

But what makes one happy? How do you explain that 'happy' feeling? 

Joy? Feeling like the world has your back? Whatever it is that makes you happy, we all should chase happiness, right?


And yes, yes, I can't lie, I'm happy right now.

I'm not sure when was the last time I felt this happy, but I can't explain the feeling myself.

All I could think of is the consequent event that makes me 'happy'.

First... seeing this person from afar and seeing that person smile.

It really made me happy, (apart from drinking blackcurrant water at the time.) [Oho, yes.] and that 'happy picture' is still in my head.

Though when that person looked at my direction, I had to look another way. Because, well, er, this is a bit complicated to explain why.

Actually, to be honest, I've been feeling this way since Monday morning. Of which, mine, was spent with one of the brightest, funniest, crazy friend of mine [from another class].

We were all gigglish during assembly. At first she, as always, was talking about her past experience with guys (who she explained as being perfect; tall, handsome, smart [picky girl? Maybe, but she probably deserves much more than that, her being the same. Not the handsome part, of course. x3])

Anyway, yeah, she was talking to me, as always. I, was just the listener, playing my part as to smile and nod every few moments just so she doesn't think that I don't listen. Because I do, but I'm not really comfortable with looking straight at her. I was nodding every once in a while, haha, and then assembly started and she sat right next to me. As usual. Nothing new, yet.

I'm not sure why, but some people have this... 'need', if I can say, to hold my hand. As she did. But she says it's because she likes talking to me, and I was all O_o *touched* and that she likes being with me (of which I took as a compliment. Is it not?).

Then she said.. "It feels like we're a guy and girl."

I bursted out laughing but had to hold back because the teacher was talking in the front.

I said, "Yeah...?"

Her, "You're the guy and I'm the girl."

...I started laughing again. xDDDD We continued laughing for a while but still somehow, somewhat, listened to the principal talking. (Who, according to her, looked like.. someone of the royal family. Tunku Mizan? Whoever he is. I shall ask her the next time [which would be Friday, where we'll sit together again.] Or maybe not.)

Now... to the most important source of my happiness... my friend, Eka!

Yes, I finally saw her after like what, 7 months? She called me (and I was sleeping in the evening; couldn't keep myself awake long enough) and I was all awake. I panicked slightly about what to wear then decided I was silly enough to care for such. She came by to get what she wanted to borrow and gave me a smile. (I was glad it didn't rain, or that'd ruin it all, somehow.)

Is it me? No, can't be. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps that's true; let's say it is.

I can't really explain the joy I felt, and I'm so happy. For once, I was content enough to admit I am happy and am now spending time blogging about it, haha. 

To add to it all, I'm wearing my favourite orange shirt and listening to a sweet song by Yuna.


Subsequent.. no, what's the word? Series of happy events, ah. [Yes, I took from 'Series of Misunfortunate events'. Kudos to my ex classmate, Thomas Welsh, who mentioned it quite a few times, and I happened to hear all of those 'few times'. I believe he read it or something. Can't quite remember why it reminds me of him. But oh well.]


I think that's all?

Oh yeah, have to continue my story about this 'fire hobby' thing where in the end, the main character, Adam, felt regret. I'm still not sure on the situation of the short story and how it's going to happen, but it will, trust me. [Must, anyway.]

Yeah.. so, Tuesday and I'm feeling like a zombie already.

Hopefully tomorrow happiness awaits for me (I'm sure it had been for a while; since sadness leads to happiness and likewise. What goes around will come back around, right? Like.. a circle. Unless that circle has holes or the track/road/thing-whatever-you-want-it-to-be-called/chain is broken by some sort of force) and the day will smile, for me, once more.

The unexpected is at every corner.

Unpredictable events are a normality.

Au revoir, moi cheri.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"Let's just break up."

Yes.. well, our topic tonight isn't all that swell.
I had... this, event, in which saddens me so.
And oh, just finished doing some Math, at 3 AM. o___o

Well..~ Hmm, where do we start?
Anyway, I'm sure everyone on earth experiences a break up or just plainly has had to leave/left by people.
It's.. normal, can I say this?

And no, it isn't me.
Sadly enough, it happened to a very close friend of mine.

I've always believed.. that sometimes, love is just a lie. It doesn't exist.
Solely, I'd lie to myself to console myself. Most of the time, no.
I mean, I DO think love is pointless; only those we love can hurt us, 'cause we've opened up to them, and whether you realize or not, we've allowed them to get through us.

But, no, sometimes, when it's right, love is ... wonderful.
The happiness.. makes things brighter, all that sort.
I think.. it's because, in the search of happiness, we must experience sadness.

A break up is normal between couples. And it's something we have to get through with.
I have, once, so my turn is over.
I can't say that I wasn't sad; I was depressed, and I've learnt to handle it.

The first few days after a break up, there are a lot of emotions involved.
One could feel... relieved, sad, happy (I'm not sure how, though, so don't ask me O.o;) and you know whatelse.
It's.. sometimes, so tragic, that one person... just.. leaves.

..Sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating.

Hm, where was I?

Oh, yeah, the first few days.
And then, comes weeks, months, years.

Whether you've gotten over it, learnt to handle/cope with it, or still denying and living in a lie, to console yourself, I don't know. You answer this yourself.

When I look back on how much I loved a person, I find myself so cut deep in the pain.
I know I haven't still gotten over it. I'm just coping with it.
Something happened, and, I know now, that I could never go back there.
I must save myself.
Save my sanity.
Bring myself away and find something more in life than that of the past.

It's called the realization phase.
It gets harder from time to time, when life moves on, you know?
Gotta eat, gotta work, gotta go to school or whatever.

Oh, and I'm listening to Maroon 5's This Love.
I wuv the song.

Hm.. could you go back to a person who's hurt you?
I've seen dramas, and I always say that it's very idiotic, and sadistic, for anyone to do this.
But as always, what I say comes back around to me.
Over the years, these past 3 years especially, I've become a sado-masochist, slightly. Especially with fighting off depression and all. So I was a mess. Sick from time to time, worsened chest pains, visits to the clinic, you get the point.

Sometimes, I feel that guys take girls for granted. Especially those who love them.
I mean, in the case with my friend, the guy chose his pride and dignity, than the girl who he claims to love.
Like.. don't they learn? I mean, sure, girls can be pretty messed up and retarded and all, but they're the guys! Supposed to be giving in, no matter what it is.
Not making things worse, and breaking up in the end.
I felt so upset about all this, I was actually screaming in the inside and... well, no details required here.

Like bleh.

I guess I'm still upset, having to rant about this in a post.
Oh well.
At least it's something to read..? Or something of a rant to read, more like.

I actually have more things to rant about, but I shall not push my sleepiness to such great extend as I must go to school in the morning, if my condition allows.
It's rather frustating, thinking that from time to time, I'd be rolling around in pain and whatnot.
Oh well.
I must get on.. with whatever else now.
See ya.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Kitty-Kat (l)

Oh yes, Kat Kat.

HI! I'm drinking tea and enjoying Life as it lasts, for the moment.
I just came back, actually, from cycling to the shop next to Smiles, and I was like.. almost crashing past this guy. 'Cause we both stepped on the same side. -__-;


Is it Spring already? I wouldn't know... since it's summer all year long in Malaysia. =P Apart from monsoon, that is. (But I don't think that's a season..~)

I'm doing.. Integration. Boo.
I can't even do a simple X squared times 1/X to the power of 4. I'm thinking.. it's X squared.
But I could be wrong, I don't know.

I spent the whole day.. like a zombie. Haha, yes, a zombie. I had to wake up early, even when I had no school today (on a Monday) and now it just feels weird starting the week off on Tuesday, but oh well! Spizzle spazzle. (New random word? Yesssss.)

I wonder what to do now. I'm stuck between.. not doing anything at all, and doing more notes. I originally planned SPM Additional Mathematics LAST NIGHT, but my friend/lover/girlfriend/bestfriendinthewholewideworld/mother(l)/counselor/, Mine/LOVER -- Summaya forced me to go to bed. In which I did.. 3 hours later. I slept at around.. 3:30? in the morning.

Maybe I should do that? Mayyybbeee.

I LOVE my cousins' Maths (plural now, since both Math and Add. Math) books! It's so awesome and detailed, if I fail Math, I would go run into the middle of the road and scream in vain. (Joking... well, for the most part. Hehe.)

But now I'm tired!
Do you know, that gastric pain, is one of the worst pain, ever?
It's.. awful, trust me. Don't be like me. Always eat on time!
Last week, I had one, and it was... terrifying, for the most part.
I was sprawling on the floor, trying to put aside the pain.
And since I ate, just before it happened. I puked OUT the food that I ate, including my third? last painkiller. It was.. a horrible sight.
I'm NOT going there again.

Putting that aside.. my chest pains are getting better. I mean, in a good sense, of course. I no longer have to cry to forget to pain. (I don't actually cry, I'm just exaggerating the pain here.) It's bearable, for the most part, unbearable, closing to impossibility of ever feeling bearable (I don't know what I'm saying here myself O_o) for the others.
You get the drill.

And the title is Kitty-Kat. But really, not to do with cats, here, unfortunately.
And my younger bruther, is off! I'm free off him for 4 days, ftw. (l)
He's one of the representative for SK's Selangor for Chess MSSD.
That reminds me when I had Road running..~ I got like.. what, 17th place?
Something like that.
But I still have a medal! Bronze, (l), for the school's Road running. And I had no chest pains at the time, so it's okay. Just during the darned MSSD.. Sniffle sniffle.

And I don't like Chess. =/ Reminds me of Mr. Hughes. I could never win against him.
And now I miss his History classes..~ Meh, what do you guys want to be when you grow up?
I don't know yet.
I'm probably taking English/Maths (if I miss calculating that much...which is ridiculous) or.. I'unno. Just English. Become a translator or anything relevant and worth taking and being.

Everyone knows this.
I put it on my door of my bedroom. And I told my parents about it.
9A+'s. Seems easy enough. (Kidding.)

I better get to my notes! Probably Islamic studies or something. Or History, ftw.