Thursday, October 27, 2011


When she screamed at the spider on her dress, I burst out with laughter. She's hilarious and beautiful. And her scream is totally adorable. I was laughing, because I know I'd scream the same way if some spider was on me. xD

Totally infatuated with Taylor Swift. Oh, and Rain. It's been raining lately, and I wish Rain would just somehow pop out in front of my house and my life would be halfway completed. (:

It kinda reminds me, a lot of things in my calendar, I actually can't watch or do them. It's like, I missed The Roman Empire, once and the second time, I passed out on the couch trying to watch it on the television with my sleepy eyes. *facepalms* I haven't been able to watch it ever since. I missed Season finale of CSI : Miami. Because I was out seeing an adorable baby. Wanna see it?

Cute baby! Welcome to the world. :)
Oh, and it's a boy, if you haven't figured that out yet. *rolleyes
But oh well. Things happen for a reason.
I'll get around to watching it next time I watch TV.

I found it funny; the night before I went to the hospital, I was writing about my main character getting into an accident and ending up in the hospital. So the environment kind of helped my visual description hopefully and I became excited to continue on my 'short story' from the other day.

"When there's a conductor stand... and you have the opportunity to stand on it, and do this *mimics a conductor* shouldn't you do it? Like shouldn't we do this *mimics again* if we have the opportunity to? Isn't that what life's all about? Doing this when you can?"
Taylor Swift.

Ah... I don't really know what to say in this post. I just wanted to share the video and the picture.

It's a Friday, can you believe it? I can't.
Time goes, slowly but fast. If that makes any sense at all.

Oh, and I have to wait for my November allowance to decide on the colour papers. I'm debating whether I should just abandon it and 'stop being a nerd' but I was just... so excited doing Additional Mathematics. *sadface I have to do something about it. Maybe I'll leave Maths and take the papers there.... Hm.

Talking about hospitals, they say it's scary to stay overnight. Like there's some spirits there from dying people. Maybe there isn't any in the pregnant section? Or maybe there'll be more, because of the babies dying in process. Gulp. You know, in movies, when you walk down hallways, and you heard some shrieky scream and you run LIKE MAD. Haha. Now I'm just scaring myself. Is it true, though? I've never stayed overnight in a hospital before, minus when I was a baby.

I just.. watched the part where Taylor Swift screamed at the end, and I was like ROFLLLLOLOLOL. Watched it twice and it was still hilarious. Oh goodness, I can't feel my stomach. D;

Oh, I think I'm going to end my post here.

P.S.: I only like whip cream on my ice-cream, I can't eat it just like that because I'll probably puke big time.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

First off,

can I say a Happy birthday to two people that's close to my heart?

Happy birthday, Akmar. I hope that, maybe, somehow you come across this, I just want you to have a blissful 18th birthday. Enjoy it.. and you always deserve more than I could give you. I would say I'm sorry; perhaps I am, but I take all the consequences of my actions, because at the time and now, letting go of you was the most right thing I could ever do. Happy birthday, love.

Happy birthday.. in a few hours of his timezone, to my first guy best friend and love, Joseph. I'm still furious at what you did to your foot that got you 23 stitches, but eh, what you said was so sweet, I couldn't even get angry at you. I hope you enjoy your day, and we both know I've been counting since ever. Happy birthday. (l)

To everyone whose birthday is in the last few days of October, I wish you all a happy one.

I wanna wish also, to my November buddy, Az, whose birthday is a day before mine. Remember what you said about our birthdays? That you were born in the day of the dead and I was born in the day of the reborn? That made me feel special, in a strange, odd way. Haha. But you are a good friend and I regret that the friendship had lost somewhere.

Hm... patching and waiting and reinstalling and reloading of Asda has taught me patience. When I came home last night from a small trip to the outside, the patching was still not properly done. I couldn't get angry, upset or whatever. I was just like, okay, this has to work. Somehow. Somewhen. Someday.
But then I guess it's fine, since I'm studying back my Maths. Mother said I should go back to Statistics -- meh, I'm one chapter to it, anyway.

Oh, and Happy Deepavali to those celebrating it today! Have a wonderful day, all of you. Celebration or not. My younger brother's going back today and coming back on the 3rd. My mother's on a week long holiday, yeah; I know.

This feels like a dedication post now, but, I want to say, thank you to everyone who has been reading my rants in posts, my mumbles and to my top read post, Welkomen, with 131 posts, (wow!) you all are amazing people.

Here is a random...trail of thoughts.

But I couldn't see what is to be seen. All I saw was the image of the girl crying. I stood my ground, holding myself with my forehead to the lockers. The hallway seemed to be disappearing. I'm hallucinating, I thought, this all couldn't be real. It can't even be a dream. I fell to my knees, trembling in unknown fear. Fear that I was slowly losing it. Past events had driven me up the walls, to my self-defence, I've always been alone and by myself. Losing it would be one way to put it.

"Alena... Alena!"
 I shook upright immediately in a hospital bed, my face to her shoulder. Gail Rights. I mouthed an 'ow' and levered back slowly. My doctor, and my childhood friend, had been holding my hand. I squinted my eyes, trying to remember what had happened. I was driving on my way back from a class... and a blinding light -- I got into an accident!

Gail frowned deeply. "Alena, are you awake? Can you hear me?"

I sighed, and asked the stupid question, "How did I get here?"

     "You got into an accident, you accident-prone person!" It looked like Gail gritted her teeth. "Thank goodness I was on duty, you're lucky I didn't go home just yet."
     I rolled my eyes and let the pain sink in before opening my mouth, grinning, "How serious is it?"
     "Well considering you're not in the ER, and in a room by yourself, you're stable. But you quite messed yourself up; your right arm and both legs are going to need some serious recovery. I'm surprised you didn't break your ribcage like you always wanted. And.. you're going to need a new car."
     "Excellent. I wanted one, anyway. But I suppose I'm stuck for a long time, huh?"
     "Big time."
     We looked at each other for a while, before bursting out with laughter. "I'm surprised you haven't given me a beating yet."
     "Oh, I will. Just as your doctor, I advise you to take loads of rest. By the way... did you have that dream?"
     I looked away to the window, biting on my lower lip. I have had that dream, consistently, for weeks, months, maybe years, I lost count. I closed my eyes for a while and glanced at Gail, "What time is it?"
     "You were out for three days, you mad child. It's 7am of a Tuesday." She brushed her thumb on my forehead, and I smiled lightly. 
     "You almost never wake up this early. You must be so worried."
     "Well.. I wanted to watch the sunrise with you. And yeah, what do you think? You ought to live in a bubble..."
     I giggled, gripping her warm hand. Looking at Gail and her perfection always calmed me down. The way her hair travelled down to her shoulder, the way her mouth goes to a flat line every time she gets upset at me. The way her deep brown eyes seemed to mesmerize me. I stared at Gail for a while and with a finger, she poked my forehead.
     "Maybe you were out for too long. Oh, look, the sunrise." 
     Gail and I both looked at the window as the lazy sun crept up from the hills, shining us with bright, and beautiful orange rays. I blinked, and I saw her. My little girl on my bedside, kissing my cold cheek. A tear went down, because it wasn't real. I lost my little girl and nothing could make her come back Gail reassured me that I could always get another child with James, my husband, but we both knew the chances were low and risky. Gail leaned to kiss my forehead, leaving me alone with my tears. She knew I wanted to be alone. I didn't want her to see me like that, as much as it hurt her to leave.
     "I have work to do. Sleep well, my love."

The sun mocked my acceptance to everything that has happened. 

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Ehhh. Waiting for Asda to patch files. Grr. Just 10% as of now. Since the other day, it went under maintenance (again if I should add).

Hmm, where should I start?

Thursday, 20th October.
The night before, I slept in early because I was struggling so much to keep awake all day long, I went to sleep at around 8pm-ish and woke up around 12 that day, my sister saying we're going out. My brain processed that, somehow, and I was all, "But aren't we also going out Friday?"
I was still sleepy, wow, and my father kinda woke me up again, asking me if I said anything. I replied, pointing the fact that I've been asleep until he woke me up. I had to go out with my sister to see her friends, because my father has some trust issues. Parents. Anyway, I had the means to go back to sleep and I was in a good mood (surprise) that morning. So yeah, and I was out. From 7 till midnight of next day. Long 17 hours, if you want to ask about how I feel. If you don't, it's fine, too. xD Probably too much walking after two weeks (?) of not going out.
I found out that studying Statistics would require me to have some sort of decent communication skills. Inside I was already, "I'm screwed" but I was fine over it because I somehow managed to convince myself that the fact that I'm interested in the course would make up for it.
And.. I had Subway sandwiches for the first time. It was alright, just something I was looking forward to. My lecturer lighted up my bulb. If you understand what I mean. If you don't.... then you don't. Haha. What do I care?
Since I got home midnight, I barely made it to bed. Everything seemed to be spinning and my legs didn't seem to be in the right place.

Friday, 21st October.
When I woke up the morning, I was groggy from lack of sleep. Awake at 6am and the sleep didn't seem long enough to make up for my fatigue. Somehow, I found the means to get ready. Friday, the original plan of going out, because my father instructed my sister and myself to fetch my younger brother, Radzi, from the train station so he can learn and afterwards come home by such means. And it's the city centre. Lots of places to ward off bad thoughts.
We (my sister and I) had to spent some time in an army camp while my father finishes his work there. Because, well, I don't want to tell you that. =P While in the library, I did as best as I could to continue from where I left off in that psychology book, 'Mild and Severe Depression'.

It's said that, some psychologist thought that aggression (am I getting the term right?) or anger, really, is one of the symptoms of depression. Because of the anger the depressive feel towards something, it turns into self-guilt from feeling angry and feeling that the depressive doesn't deserve to feel angry. I feel like that, sometimes. Reason why I'm trying to kill off orange from myself. Though I can't seem to. And that's a stupid excuse. I've tried several times scanning my eyes over things and the first colour I notice is always, always orange. Ugh. Maybe I'm just biased, like I had thought originally. But I feel somewhat guilty, because many people I know are always saying, "Doesn't orange hurt your eyes?" ... I get mad over it. Overly sensitive. It's upsetting that I get upset over being upset over it. It's my favourite colour, why do I have to think about what other people think about it? Then again, who am I to just do as I like? I don't know.
My blog is orange, blue and grey. Past, present and future. No, you don't have to understand it.

I saw a friend of mine. I don't know what I was doing; I was flat out fatigued and I was swaying a little. She just stepped in front of me and was like, "MIRA~!" I looked up at the person in front of me (I was staring down at the floor, as I always do) and saw the person I haven't seen in three years. The first thing I did was put out my hand to shake hers and she hugged me tightly. I was a bit hesitant, because I had... some drama with her. And I didn't expect to be recognized by anyone. I was caught off guard, but in a good way, I guess. I actually have been thinking of her; her birthday's coming up but the last time I ever talked to her was some months ago, about if she saw me pass her at this shopping complex. And the fact that her birthday is the same as my ex's, plus a week before mine. It's hard to forget.

Saturday, 22nd October.
Well, in the morning I was still exhausted and my legs felt better. A little. But..... my family went somewhere and I had to follow. Go figure. We (my siblings and I) watched 'Real Steel'. I must say, I was bewildered that I was crying at the end. Or maybe everyone else was doing the same, I don't know. I was just touched over the whole father-son-relationship-thing. And Atom's amazing! I enjoyed the movie very much. Killed time and saved me a whole load of walking. :)

Oh and, yesterday, people were staring at me because I had my mini-sized sword keychain stuck to my belt area and I did a lot of sticking my hands into my pockets, because that's how I am. Can't change it, too bad for you, eh? It actually hurt, being poked by it, plus an amount of pressure inserted. I'm thinking of sharpening, it, maybe, whenever I would get around to it.
And the hiccups. I don't understand. I always get hiccups shortly after I gulp down food (and I was starving by the time I got around to eating yesterday). We went to pray and I hiccuped. Maybe loud. I noticed that the surrounding women/ladies stared at me. I was like, "What? Haven't seen a girl hiccup before? Sheesh."

Today people were staring at me because I had my new headphones on. I guess it's because not a lot of people use the kind of headphones I wear. Especially not a girl wearing hijab. I know people stared and I tried not to bother about it, but I just noticed a lot of people eye-widening over it. If that made sense. And this little girl bumped into me. She had short hair, shorter than mine; just a little longer than a boy's cut and was wearing purple long-sleeved shirt and black pants. I was like, o_O Hey there little lady, watch where you're going. She passed along and was kinda shocked that she bumped into me. I tried to smile and she walked away.


Anyway, I walked for three days straight. Not that I don't walk on any other days, but it's like going out. I'm not outgoing as many people have found out. I don't want to have to go out... at least not any time soon. I only HAVE three weeks left top in this house before I start my studies.

Oh, and I have to say, Lenovo is an amazing laptop. Like you can actually hit the laptop hard and throw it around (just not too hard) and it'd still be working. And I found out that there is one laptop specially made for games, only, called Alienware.

Radzi said, "My friend said he has Alienware. ...And he showed his tupperware and was like, "See? Tupperware"." I had to chuckle about that, and it does sound better than it is written. And you wouldn't understand it, and my sense of humour is hard to decipher.

It's 10 minutes to 11pm.. already. I'm gonna go to sleep, because thanks to my big mouth, I think I might spent another Sunday cleaning cars.

Monday, October 17, 2011


Leaving. Taking time.

I'll be back.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

3 seconds.

Every three seconds, an underaged girl is forced to marry an older man/teenage/guyingeneral.
Wow. Talk about statistics.

First off, a very... um, interesting article;

Very refreshing.

It's cute, when little children say 'please'. I just love it. I think that's important, that children grow up in a stable environment, where they feel secure, safe, happy and well-educated. I don't like it when they say, "Oh, he/she is poor, therefore the chances of them getting educated is rather low". Wrong. Your status doesn't determine it. Look around, open your eyes; most of the students who gets 9A+ are from a poor family background, financially-wise. And even if you don't go to school, doesn't mean you are not educated. You are just not educated officially. There are two stages in learning; conscious learning (things you learn at school, from somebody, etc.) and unconscious learning (similar to observant learning, where one learn by watching another person). And just because you do not have the means for it, doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse. That has got to be the lamest reason ever. Like, people can work towards learning, if they really want to.
It all boils down to your heart; whether you're sincere about it or not.

Anyway, I practically feel exhausted to my bones. I spent a lot of time in the morning in cleaning the two cars my parents have, as a request from my mother. The strangest, but loveliest, thing happened to me in the process. I got lost in the time, but I was just finished with my mother's car and I was cleaning my father's; I was sweating from head to toe and it felt like it was raining especially on my head. My father got around to opening the car doors (the doors usually like to close itself when I open it, mostly because the car was slightly tilted to the side) and inside, I was just hoping for some water but I reminded myself that this is just heat in the world. Not yet in the afterlife. My father, to my relief, turned on the engines of the car, which meant the air conditioning was on and all the muscles in my body relaxed. My mother, on the other hand, helped by cleaning the dashboard. I forgot completely about it, I was supposed to do that before I started vacuuming. Oh well. The whole situation touched me, I seriously felt like I was about to cry and I swallowed the tears before they could start building up. Not that I wasn't already in 'tears', sweat from my forehead trickled down my cheek and it reminded me of crying, from before this happened. Working on a chore always gets me to thinking about everything.

It's like from the article, reaching out.
My parents won't even help me with my homework and I have to beg my mother to clip my nails for me, just so that I can feel her touching my hands. Sounds slightly pathetic, I know, but that was the only way. Well, was, until she didn't want to anymore, in the excuse that I'm old enough to do it by myself. I shrugged it off and I didn't want to make a mountain out of a mole. Yesterday, I think, I walked past my mother and she was kind of in the way, so I placed my hands on the sides of her arms and pushed her slightly just so I could pass. I was thinking of hugging her; I've been wanting to for a while now. It feels weird, and that's the more reason why I decided against it again and again, she'd think it's too weird.

And... I can't help this feeling, but I'm so excited about the date. I've been counting since August. Anxious, much?

Now I don't know what to be without you around.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


I've had numerous, yes that much, people asking me about my chest pains.
I can't put it to words -- it just hurts. A lot. Like someone's trying to break your rib cage into millions of pieces, that's what it feels like.

Overall I can bear the pain. Most of the times, I have to. As of now, I don't remember the last time I took medication for it; maybe back in college days, because I had to sleep and not focus on my pain. I can tell you though, the first I had it, was when I was ten; it was a Friday night and I can remember the exact position and road I was on. I was in the back seat, in the left corner, just trying to clutch at myself, hoping and praying the pain will go away.

Someone once told me, "Sometimes pain is the only language people understand."
That must be true. Never ending wars. People hurting each other. People giving sympathy due to pain shown.

I don't like it, however, when someone is in pain in front of me.
It remind me of how helpless I am; I get difficulty breathing and I have to constantly ward off thoughts of close off my breathing completely.

Last night, was hard.
I don't know if it was because I stayed up until 3am, due to wanting to satisfy my online friends. I haven't been on for a while, too, and I don't know the next time I will. I stayed until I couldn't move my fingers anymore. It was weird that I could get up and get to bed.

When your breathing cuts off for short, brief moments... you have to struggle to keep on breathing. Several times I had to breathe out the pain, mostly because it helps. Maybe it was because I was close to passing out when I noticed (I sleep at past 3 and woke up around 5) but even moving an inch was hard.
"Suck it up and sleep", I told myself over and over again.

I don't know why, but I feel like crying. At the time, I was too busy being in pain to focus on anything else. Now that I think about it; I actually feel sorry for myself. But I'm grateful. Grateful that God made me through this pain, for the past 7 years or so, because I realize so many things having been through it. Somehow I appreciate life more and more, and I know that, even if I die tomorrow, now, today, sooner or later -- I lived through life at it's peak and if the time comes, I think I can let it go peacefully.

I get it, stop thinking of dying. But I'm not. I'm just saying. I thought the best of men is those who is constantly reminded of death. It's not a bad thing. You feel... repentance (if that means anything) and you feel like, life's not that long. They say to live life at it's fullest; I say live life through the roughest edges and corners. Because we don't learn at the peaks, we learn through the rough roads we travelled on and hopefully, it makes us into a better person.

Maybe that's why I go through all this. I can look back and say, I've grown up, hopefully into a better person than I ever was before. If I were to write a letter to my younger self, I'd tell her that she's a beautiful person, and just because she's different, doesn't mean that she's indifferent. She's not weird. She's not mad. Don't listen to what other people tell you, Amirah. You are your person. What other people is not satisfied with you, that's not entirely your fault. You're going to live your whole life trying to find the meaning for your existence. You'll bump, you'll fall, you'll cry and you'll rage -- but that's living. That's going to be you living your life. You might not recognize me as the person you will be, but trust me; out of everything and everyone you can be, being yourself is the best thing in the world. People are going to appreciate you, show you what love is. Most people you're going to come across is going to be complete assholes and jerks -- but just know that, through all of it, all of them, you're going to thank them. You'll miss them from time to time, but you know that between you and them, it won't ever be the same. So don't fret, you have lots of dreams -- we have loads of dreams. You'll find that, one day, life's beautiful.
And you're going to find that one person. That person to stay through your nightmares, the one who constantly loves you unconditionally no matter how much you're going to push her away, because you feel incompetent and a loser and that you don't deserve her. Trust me, I have a hard time waking up to it and wishing it wasn't just all good dreams. She's going to be your best friend, your everything, your whole wide world. And you're going to love her, cherish her, miss her, want her all the time. You'll miss her, you may sometimes hate, get into fights with her, get upset with her and be jealous of anyone around her. That's not going to stop for a while, but she's going to remind you; every second, every minute, every hour of every day of every month of every year of every birthday you will go through, that she loves you back. That she cherishes you, wants you, misses you, gets upset at anyone around you. And what you'll have is true love, Amirah. So hold your head up high and bash through every brick wall life put to stand in your way.
You'll come out bruised, battered with broken bones but you'll heal and become a better person. You should know, that I love you, too. You're not going to hear me say this a lot of times; but I love you. Like serious. We're having loads of arguments and hate episodes with each other. But I'm the one you'll lean on to in your darkest nights, just until she comes. I am you, and you're going to be me. We're the most amazing person in the whole wide world. Serious.

And you'll be called nerd by several people, and find that in the deepest of your hollow hearts, that they're right. No matter, we're the most amazing people in the world, you hear me? Friends will come and go, and you might never get over your attachments to the little material things you have.
And you might never believe that your parents love you. I don't, either. I don't know if I ever will. But trust me, you'll love them regardless. Regardless that you call them mother and father. Regardless of what you have to go through for your siblings, either, won't change the fact that you love them with all of what's left of your heart. The heart that's hers. We won't get it back, actually. Let me be honest; you won't want it back for a long, long time. Maybe never, who knows.

Spells are going to be the closest word in your vocabulary in your head. You're going to keep hurting and hurting and falling down for that person. You're never going to believe him, truly, ever again. No matter how much you want him, hear me, the love you gave him and will continue to give him, is never going to suffice and make the pain less hurtful. You'll shed tears for four guys and one girl. But not her. This girl is just there to play you and ruin with your head, and she might be successful with her attempt, according to how you get through it. Trust me, you have friends willing to die for you. There might not be a lot of them, I'm even still trying to figure who's true and who's not.

All in all, you're amazing. Keep onto this, and life will be a piece of cake. Even though you'll learn that you'll hate it. Fears? Not a problem. We're going to have issues with you being paranoid, but that's okay; most of the times, it is quite necessary.

Happy 19 days into your birthday, ten year old self.
Sincerely, your 17 year old self.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Above title has nothing whatsoever to do with my post. Just needed a title.
I find it weird, October makes me want to write some many posts, five so far? That's a lot, considering my posting pattern has been one post per month up until October.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that, I'm close to ending my childhood, as most people would put it. Not that I'll get any more adult in the next month; it's just another month, another day, another birthday.

I'm actually exhausted. I can actually see the shadows and lines under my eyes getting more visible by each day. I had had a lot of thinking episodes last night, I barely got any sleep. I can't even play any games without the word 'tiresome' popping up in my head. This is bad. I haven't been playing Asda2, either, because well; most of the times that I actually feel like playing, the game lags due to overcrowding of people. Is that even a statement? ...Or even a word?

Oh well. I came across a date earlier on, and just realized that I'll be missing my cousin's wedding in November. Next month. Actually, using too many actuallys, are we? none of my siblings is gonna be able to attend it.

I remember my last cousin who got married (the first of my cousins, on my father's side) and what my aunt had told me. "You should get married, you'll get a lot of presents." I pffftttt-ed for a long time about that -- why would I let myself be trapped into something called marriage just for presents. I can always buy myself one. And that so doesn't sound pathetic. Not at all.

Well, it's a Thursday. Woah. Time passes.

  • It looks like it's going to rain soon.
  • It's the day that I'm gonna be up for almost the whole day.
I was denied my schedule yesterday. Yes, I have a schedule for almost everything; especially chores. I hand-wash every two days -- Tuesdays, Thursdays and sometimes Friday nights if I get the chance. I clean and vacuum the house on Tuesdays and Fridays. And thanks to my argument with my mother the other day, it is her job to mop the floors, apart from my room's, apparently. I have to do that by myself. I already argued about that with her; why doesn't she do it, since she mops the whole house apart from my room. Oh well.

So I passed out just after I cleaned the house. Well, I wouldn't say cleaning, I just did the vacuum-ing and I didn't realize how tired and pissed off I was -- being denied my schedule -- until I had laid down my head on  a pillow.

I retreated to not my room, mostly because the bed sheet in my brothers' room (if they're home) is orange. I argued with myself about that; why didn't I just put that particular bed sheet in my room if I had wanted it so much? My reason?

  1. My brothers wouldn't want to sleep on a bed sheet filled with teddy bears.
  2. My sister would hate orange.
  3. I would be pissed off if anyone came to me for the above two reasons.
So yeah, it was nice. To be in a place I wanted to be in. Of course, my mother made a remark about that, about me sleeping the evening. I always do, by the way. Except Thursdays and Fridays, oddly. Apart from when I don't feel well or I throw an emotional fit.

Well, whatever.
I actually tried to reason with the fact that most people hate orange. I really, really, really tried to understand. But I couldn't make up with even one stupid, illogical answer. I shrugged it off, because it seems I've been too infatuated with it to be against it in any form whatsoever.

I don't like it. In fact, I hate it. I hated being denied the things I like/love/wanttoacquire. And it's not even me being childish. How do you live with being told that whatever you like, whatever your opinion is, whatever it is that you want, it is all stupid. Because that's what it seems to me. Everyone is saying -- orange is stupid. Therefore you are. That may be true, then I don't want to be smart. I'd rather stay stupid.
Because I can't kill that self of mine. I feel... serene looking at orange. I might get whacked and beaten to death about that -- but I can't change my opinions about the things I like just because other people don't like it. My life's too short; I'm not living it for someone else. I want to live my life. I want to like orange.
I used to think my mother was on my side. She was for a while. I used to think she thought the same way I did, and for a while, that gave me reassurance. That someone, out there, close to me, understands me. That didn't last very long. Sure, we have the same opinion on education. On books. That's why I find it very hard to get rid of any book that I have. Because it has value. My mother understands that. Well, at least she used to. My room is overflowing with books. So is the next room.

But I'm a little too extreme, I suppose. I can't even let go of my phone number. I can't let go of my phone. I can't let go of even, shards of glass and mirrors that I collect. I can throw away the drawings, paintings, sketches, doodles that I've done. Anything else, I can't seem to. And even though I do throw away those drawings and all, I find that I still have quite a load of them. And that's because I'm constantly drawing, painting and I keep it for some time before I go through them, get a plastic bag and throw away three-quarters of them. Sometimes, all of them. I have, nor see, any value in the things I make or do. But I see value in the things I've been given. I don't have a lot of them. So I figure, I should hold on to the last of these things.

I still have my farewell card from 2008. I still have my elementary school report cards. My high school's. The doodles my friends and I did when we were bored enough. And in hardware, I keep some of the messages, links, websites.

Duh, I don't remember what I was talking about.
Is it possible, though, to get rid of your own feelings? Maybe I can kill mine. The part that likes orange. The part that enjoy silences, books, libraries, hospitals and the smells of medicine and petrol. The part of me that's clumsy; that almost got herself killed at the same spot, under the same conditions and circumstances. I wonder, how do you kill feelings?

Why do I bother asking. Nobody's going to answer me. ... If one of the voices in my head did, I'd probably be horrified. Besides, I know how to. How silly of me. I could do it all over again.

What was I talking about again?
Who knows.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Embedded was nullified. Oh well.

Hmm.. I don't find much interest in leaving the house. Only unless absolutely necessary. But I enjoy the outdoors, the warm sun, the cool breeze on my face, the way people laugh and play around. I enjoy people watching very much.

Last week I was out. It was just, one of those necessary moments of having to get out, you know.
But then I realized, being around a lot of people were terrifying.
I don't like it. Being conscious of people being aware of me. This is why I prefer the indoors; specifically in the room, where there's no audience, no one to judge.
A shopping complex, for one, have wayyyyy too many people dressing up, holding hands, having fun. I didn't mind all that until I'm in the middle of it all. It's like being drifted to a place where you're a ghost -- people keep on like you weren't around. But that's not what I minded. I don't know, I hate that feeling of consciousness. The way everyone was judging everyone else. Another reason why I prefer the indoors.

But sometimes that's a good feeling. When I want to feel lost, I shove myself literally into conversations, into a crowd of people. Where people don't notice you, where people didn't mind you. I guess it's pros and cons of being in the social life. And I don't mean Facebook. *squints eyes* Cough.

And yesterday was kind of.. a long day for me, I guess. I was in an army camp's library and I found myself back to the book I was reading the last time (around 3 months ago) I was there.

"Mild and Severe Depression"

I didn't get the authors', yes authors', names.

Basically it was all in the psychological views. Clinical practices. Examples of disturbed and troubled children. Did you know that most patients diagnosed with depression were mostly those who grew up with at least one or two depressed parents? Lol.. that seems natural, though. I can't remember what I was trying to say.

Reminds me of this particular lyric;
Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way.

 I spent a good 3 to 4 hours on it, and found that, even when I started not on the first page, I could only get as far as 160 pages+. I was actually bewildered. I probably stopped on the 170-175th page, when my father finally came around to taking me. Usually novels take me half an hour to get to the 200th page or so. Well, it is a psychology book. Mostly because I had to stretch several times and I was craning my neck too much, it was starting to get uncomfortable (odd since I was on a couch..) getting on the second hour. But I went on reading because it was that interesting. What I find most interesting that most of the symptoms fit me, apart from hallucinations. As far as I'm concerned, I don't actually hallucinate. I think I see things. I don't know. Just a gut feeling sometimes.

Like a feeling that a person, or thing, passes by you. You turn around and swear you saw something pass by but see nothing. That sort of thing. People, mostly girlfriends, have told me that, you're not supposed to look back. Or be aware of it, actually. Spirits, or something.

The only things I consider as spirits are the floating invincible things, mostly curved-shaped, that I always see when I look up at the sky and just stare. Well, I call them invincible because they're translucent and I don't find other people staring up at the sky like I do.

I remember one particular Sports day, the one that was on my 'Crushes' post, which was strangely the post that were most read, that I spent under the sun, looking up the sky with my head behind my head. I enjoy the sun that way. Now it's just too much vitamin D and you could get skin cancer because of the holes in the atmosphere, resulting in harmful UV rays.
Oh well.

Sometimes I go out, after too much staying home and be like, "Vitamin D! Ahh, sun. How I missed you."

Lately it's been raining so it's been warmer than usual. I don't notice the difference- just at night, where I feel like I'm freezing. Oddy. Maybe the fever that's been coming in and out of me. Maybe. Who knows.

Summaya = Piano notes. That is all.

Friday, October 7, 2011


As said in above, gratitude is a huge thing. For me, at least. Maybe that's why I don't feel so much for my parents, they don't show much emotion towards their children for one, and gratitude from them is like.... a miracle.

I wake up every day and I don't know remember much of what people, kind people, have done for me throughout my life course. That's why I have -- keep -- little things to remind me. Little things go a long way, don't they say that? On one of my alarm clock in my phone, there's this picture, that I keep, that a close friend of mine gave me. Ever since she sent me that picture, I keep it like it's my life. I hold onto it.

A classmate of mine once gave me a poster of Naruto. She knew I was sorta... obsessed with it, and she gave it to me. I can't particularly recall how happy I was -- correction, I always, always, ALWAYS remember how happy I was. In gratitude of her giving, I've kept it in my folder, as the cover. You know how she reacted? She was like.. "Wow, Amira, I've never had someone keep precious of something I gave them that fast."


Maybe I got it.

I remember watching this show, where they said, that feel good emotion from buying a thing only lasts around 9 months, maybe more in rare cases. But experiences go a long way. And gratification is a way of letting a person know how much we appreciate what and how they did things for us.

I suppose that's why I keep precious of my phone. My ring. My possession. Particularly those given to me specially.
For my former best friend's 16th birthday, I gave her a bracelet. And guess what? She wore the next day. Guess how I felt? Even though other people coughcough say that it isn't all that pretty, I feel the world, because she thinks it's pretty enough to wear and show me that she appreciates the fact that, I went out of my ways.

Yes, so I'm a little bad in giving presents.
It's the thoughts that count, no?

Hm... Let me see.

Oh yeah, my 12th birthday present, a yellow, sorta childish looking watch my father bought me. Mainly because I needed a watch, and it was close to November.

13th -- a GBA SP. Of my request.

I'm not much of a demanding person, but when I ask, it means I really want it.

I can't think of a lot right now, the only current one passing through my head right now is my essay about teachers for my Psychology class.
I was, I admit, flattered that I got to read my essay to the sections. That's roughly 100 people in the room. Wow, ain't it?

My dream house project for Math class in Year 8.
Strangely mine got picked as the best, through democratic votes among my classmates and I had to present it to Year 7.

See, experiences when I feel... appreciated.

Three things there;




Not that I'm saying you're supposed to flatter everyone, just use it wisely when you have the chance.
It really does go a long way.

If I barely remember my days, but I remember this even though it has happened for two, three, four, five years, what of other people?

Well.... This calls for a celebration! Third post of October, woo! Last night, I had an amazing dinner, thanks to PM's Budget 2012, my parents were in an amazing mood, even though my mother was slightly cranky before going out.

So I guess I should point this out, thank you Prime Minister for the RM200 you are giving us for books. On behalf of students in university, private colleges, community colleges and 6th Formers, THANK YOU.

... This probably means an election in the near future. Oh well. Gotta celebrate it before I think pessimistically. Wow... I didn't know I knew that word.

Cough. It's barely 8am right now, and I have loads of washing to do if I wanna make it before it turns to the Himalayas.

Guten nacht. :P

Thursday, October 6, 2011


I'm feeling a bit giddy today, regardless of things going around me, and inside of my head, as usual. :)

This remind me, so much of my old crush.
I remember watching him going here and there, not realizing that I was staring.

I remember the first time I met him; at the airport.
Of course, it started when I was kinda hating on him. And before I realize that I was falling for him, he was in a scandal with a friend of mine. *the irony*

Time went on, and it was my turn to be in a scandal with him.
There was a time when I was running down the stairs, literally jumping from one floor to another (I was on the fourth floor at the time) and my friend was in front of me, I saw him pass and I automatically stopped. LOL. Maybe I shouldn't have because I almost bumped into her. I was all, "Goddamnit, why now X///X"

And the times where I'd have dreams of him, were always me chasing him and he'll never be there. Always turns out to be some sort of hallucination of some sort. It sometimes upset me badly. I hated waking up to those dreams. Because I was only a little past 13, and it got me to thinking. A lot. Oh well.

I think the sweetest memory with him was when it was Sports Day. I recall it was... 2006-ish.
It was the second time, ever, he talked to me. Well, we had a laugh. He looked so sweet laughing with his dimples.. Haha. I was obviously so in love with him. Only he didn't know that. Or maybe he knew, but he just didn't like me like that.

The first time he talked to me, it was in the winter of.. 2004? or something.
I was surprised, because that day I just happened to drag my feet out of the classroom and I wasn't exactly in the mood of getting out early and JUMPING through the stairs. -.-; Yeah, I guess he talked to me because I was literally the only person around in the halls. He asked questions about the incoming Christmas concert at the time. The school, did concerts for the summer and Christmas. And yeah, almost the whole school participates. Especially nursery and reception. <--- Kindergarten, in two phases.

The next day, I was telling my friend -- yes, the one who was in the scandal with him. I remember saying, "I don't know what he said... he seemed to be talking too fast." She grinned at that. At the time, I didn't understand why, but I guess she saw through me, that I was slowly having a crush on him.

The first time -I- talked to him, was due to a dare, by surprise; my friend.
We were just standing up in the hallway, the same hallway that I just happened to be walking past when he talked to me, because there was a ballroom class in our classroom. Usually we have our lunch break in the classroom, the school isn't big enough to have a canteen fitting all the students. Only elementary children eat there; we prefer going out -- except from me.
She told me, "You are supposed to smile to EVERYONE and say hi". I couldn't help but groan. Only one thought went through my head, "What if HE passes by? @_@"
Yeah, and he did so I said hi and I recall him smiling a little before walking away and said nothing. I thought I was going to pass out.

Oh, crushes.
I don't remember the last time I felt that way; so happy, so content with everything. Not that I'm unhappy right now. And yeah, I can talk about ALL that because I've gotten over the whole thing. I can probably write out to a whole novel and try to get it published. Then again, I barely got two chapters of this story I've been writing...

Anyway, I think it's great that crushes exist. Not one-way torn apart love. Just... feelings for somebody who made butterflies in your stomach go wild every time they come around, every time they smile, laugh.. even the sound of their voice from far away, you know, that's them. Blah, babble at me for the fact that that's love. It's different to me. Crushes and love -- two different things. Love is stronger. Crushes are usually... people you feel that you're never going to have. At least for me. Love can make you sick. Crushes send butterflies no matter the day, the mood, no matter what happens. I miss that feeling. When you feel so much towards a person, all you wanna do is stare at them and see their smile. ... But don't become a stalker or something. xDD That's just way too extreme.

Not that I don't feel that way. :) You know what I mean.
I'm glad I wasn't born emotionless. I'm happy that I can't get rid of my feeling no matter how much I want to. I mean, I guess I can. But then my life would be too much of a bore.
It's great to feel something.
Numbness is dull. In some cases, that's the best thing that could EVER happen to you. And I understand that. Because I've been sick, terribly, just from over-worrying. -.- And that's because I'm crazy and.... yeah, crazy. xD

Yeah well... I got another post for October. O.O Wow! Usually I have only one per month.
Regardless, au revoir, my lovely blog~

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Stranger danger.

Okay. This has to stop. My paranoia -- you're no longer allowed in my head. -___-;

It doesn't help that last night, a stranger came by. I even wrote a short... um, story, I suppose, about it.

Upon finishing the last touches of cleaning mother's car, I saw a silver car stopping right around my neighbour's house at the corner of my eyes. I proceeded towards the house gate and picked up the yellow cloth that father had hung. Then the stranger's car blinked red, showing signs that it was going to reverse. The driver must have been lost, I calculated as at the moment they saw me; the car turned around and stopped, once again, in front of my house now. I quickly turned back and was about to make a run for it, my kidnapping paranoia would have kicked in -- I don't know why it hadn't.
     The driver got out and waved a hand, as if absorbing the fact that a stranger at a house would have scared a teenage girl right after finishing her chore. Great. He flashed a smile, probably nervous. He walked a few steps after the wide opened gate and I, hesitantly, nudged myself towards the stranger. Something around his neck caught my eyes, and I somewhat eased my muscles.
    "Street 36," he started, "May I ask where that is?" He was looking at his phone; seemed to be looking for a relative's house. Maybe a friend's. Or someone's house to kidnap a person and... I shook my sudden thoughts away, my mouth a flat line.
    "Um..." I gritted my teeth and quickly turned on the engines in my brain. "Just behind this street. This is Street 35."
     "Around the back?" I saw him swallow slightly, almost frowning, but still his eyes were fixated on his phone. "Do I go from this street...?” He pointed to the street right next to my house. “Number 50, Street 35."
     "Yeah," I replied. "It shouldn't be hard to find." I mentally rubbed the back of my neck, awaiting his departure anxiously.
     "Okay. Thanks." He gave me a swift smile and got back into his car, immediately driving away. I sighed a relief, and slumped back into the house. Mother would've asked of the stranger's identity, and why I had trusted him enough to talk to him -- but she wasn't aware of the situation. I almost laughed at my earlier expression; it's just that you don't find many men willing to go around asking, a young girl in the neighbourhood at that, for directions. Father would've been too egoistical -- it'd hurt his 'pride' too much.
     It was a good thing that I had gathered all the ‘equipment’; vacuum cleaner, power socket and many more back into the house because all that was left for me to do, after that dreadful scenario, was to drag my feet in.

Call me scared. Call me paranoid. I don't care -- I was seriously fricking scared. And a while ago, I sent Danneh to kindergarten, and as usual, by walking. On my way back, my pulse was racing, and it wasn't even because I was running. I had to calm myself down, and then it happened.

A man, on a motorcycle, who I swear, just passed me, appeared beside me. I was ready to scream, but again, it was a smile. All my muscles were tense, and if it wasn't for the fact that I was listening to music, his voice would have lingered in my mind now. Thankfully.

I guess he wanted to give me a ride. I couldn't really make out what he was saying; I was too busy trying to focus on Rain singing in my ears so I wouldn't burst out in tears and I struggled on breathing. I walked away, then he came around AGAIN. I was like, "WTF. Leave me alone before I seriously cry, right here and right now."

Again I had no idea what he said, only the fact that he wanted to give me a ride. Maybe he asked me where I was going, now that I think about it, but at that time, I really couldn't make out what he was saying. I shook my head, and finally, he went away. I may have destroyed my teeth from gritting too much now, but I don't care. When I finally got to my house, I was so relieved. So, so relieved.

My paranoia, it seems, isn't just all in my head. It was real -- and truly scary. It's frightening what fear can do to you.

Maybe it's socio phobia, fear of people in general. Or maybe recent events have just.... tortured my mind. Slightly. My counsellor would've told me to relax and clear my head. Surely this has gone too far. She would've even considered giving me therapy, treatments, and a long phase on counselling. 

Okay, Amira, see, it's not that hard. Just clear my head. Great. Easier said than done.

I need someone to pat me on the head. Maybe that'll ease me up. Or a nap. That sounds nice.