Friday, June 26, 2009

Breaking the Habit.

So yeah, woo! It's finally Friday, I thought the day would never come. It's almost ending here, anyways, but whatever. Yeahh.. I've got my latest picture up. Just thought people might be curious. Well, it's there for the being. For the time. At least.

Well.. uh, yeah. So um, I'm supposed to write up a biography now. Special request.

Well alright, I'm doing it cronologically. However you spell that.


I was born on the second of November, 0728, in a clinic called Anis. The day when my father had his exam; and thankfully, he passed. Anyways, I was rather healthy, I suppose. Moving on!


Everyone had their own experience, mine, not as much happy to sad, really. I grew two to three years in a bangalow; of which where I got my first scar ever -- Top of left forehead. (Barely noticeable anymore, however.)

I was sort of the last child; being the third and all. So everyone thought there would be no more after me; so I was simply just the youngest. I had the youngest nickname in Malay -- Adik. And I'm still Adik.

We moved to another state, of where I had a babysitter -- Nicknamed Batman! (Not sure why anymore..) But basically, I held a grudge against my parents for me having a babysitter in the first place. (My thinking was simple; how could they leave me with a babysitter, then torture me with a younger sibling? Yeah, that sort of thinking.) But it wasn't just me, basically. My brother and sister, of course, also were with me.

I weren't the best of knowledge to socialize; being a brat and all. I was rather spoiled-- confining I had a choice not to go to kindergarden at times. Anyways, we had a neighbour. So me and my sister had friends. One of each; twins. Jasmine was my favourite of the two. Providing she nicknamed me "Amiera", or just simply because she can't possibly spell my name properly as everyone else at the time? Possibly. Yeah well, we were the best of friends. Not that we communicate with talking most of the times. .... Yeah, you've guessed; she's dead already. Not that you people had the question in mind, of course.


Okay, I literally hated school. Not much I can say.. except for the mere fact I've hated it since my first school friend. Period.

Hey.. I'm sleepy already. Ugh. Gotta get more caffeine.. hmm. Adieu.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

New Moon.

Friday, 19 June.

Qouting from New Moon: I was ninety-nine percent sure I was dreaming.

The reason being it was just a few minutes ago, that I remember, having sat upon my studying table, stuck on a particular question in my History's Notebook. I was, thus, still holding my pen. I looked around.. and what I saw was a room; white, to be exact, and no one to be seen. I looked around, again, and squinted my eyes. Then I knew; then I saw it. Them.

A depiction of a girl has always been hard for me to do. But.. this time was different. For no reason I can't go to. It was the small girl that caught my attention first. From afar, you could see she looked fragile. Her build, small, compared to the girl/woman she was facing. Though small, I could tell there was something about her. Something.. that caught my attention. She was wearing as a usual girl's clothing; a blue-ish dress, her hair tied up in a ponytail.. and her eyes. I saw them; even though I was sure I was at least 3 meters away from the scene. She was looking up, at the one she was facing. It was after a long time I decided to divert my gaze upon this.. female being the little one was facing.

From her expression, I could tell she was angry. I saw her hands shivering; trembling, perhaps. It was a strange sight; I couldn't help but keep watching them. The female one started screaming. Her accent, so unfamiliar, I couldn't make out what she was saying. But from the expression of the little girl, I knew it wasn't friendly at all. She kept on screaming, shaking the little one. I felt anger running through my veins, and I myself, started trembling. Screaming and screaming and screaming. I wanted her to stop, in fear the little one to start crying.

As ignorant as I may be towards little children, I'm very scared of their crying.

But the little one did not cry.

Red-eyed, she stared at the screaming one. I wondered why; but the woman kept on screaming so badly, I wanted to shut down my hearing. Though I could not make out what she was saying, I didn't want the little one to hear anymore of it. Only then I noticed. Her build, her eyes.. I should've known. The very reason why she attracted my attention.. was because she was so like my younger self. Except maybe more angelic. Way more, yeah.

Just when I thought my anger couldn't be subsided anymore, the little one got slapped. And by strange circumstance, I felt the pain. My head was immediately tilted to the side. I felt my right cheek; hot, and I was sure the little one felt of the same. She got more red-eyed, and by more surprise, the tears ran down. My cheeks.

Why, I wondered. Was it because she was so like my younger self, that I, had felt the pain?

"If you don't feel someone's pain, you'd never understand them."

I felt myself nod. A door slammed open; or at least, I heard a door slammed. A.. I wasn't sure what to think of him -- Guy, Man, Teenage. Maybe all of them. He stormed in and took the little girl's wrist. Tightly, by the slight wince I saw coming from her. She refused to move, but he wouldn't budge. He glared; stared, maybe, at the other one. It was then I saw the room -- Decorated with such familiarity that I was feeling nostalgic.

It surprised me even more when the girl started crying. It didn't stop the guy, though, but surprised the little girl, also. I saw she was trying her hardest to not move and stay with the girl. But he still wouldn't budge. He dragged the little girl out; her fragile gaze not moved away from the girl who was crying. I was unsure of what to feel at the time -- I felt pain for the little girl. Somewhat sympathized the young woman; and all the more, relieved upon the guy's arrival. But one thing for sure, I was lost to what was happening.

The screaming, the slap, the little girl, the young woman, the guy.. it all didn't make any sense. No way to confine what was happening. Not yet. That's what I had told myself.

Despite all, I felt weary. I just.. wanted to leave. I wanted to wake up from this weird dream. But something kept me, and I was pretty sure it was of the little girl herself. I wanted to know what was happening, so I rushed out of the room. The sight then was, a hall way -- No, it was sort of a lane, corner, maybe.

The little girl now sat on the floor, the guy next to her. I began thinking, but it couldn't possibly. The little girl couldn't possibly be related to the young woman or the guy. The angelic face was of different. Difference of such I couldn't stop myself from staring at her face. I felt the need to hold her. The need to protect. The intuition of over-protectiveness.

When he finally let go of her wrist, I felt myself sigh of relief. I wasn't entirely sure why, but my wrist felt a little pain. Was I really feeling her pain, or is it just a mere coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. I couldn't bother thinking anymore, I leaned across the hallway of which seemed to be a locker of some sort. Mere thinking that doesn't really help. I had the chance to take a closer look at the angelic face; she was definitely a fragile one. The smile was of a frown. I clutched my fist, trying to recollect my thoughts. It seemed a while before any of them said anything.

"Did she-.." He started.

But she cut him flat. Her voice.. I found myself panting. The angel spoke.

"It wasn't her fault."

"Not yours, either."

She sighed, and looked at him. She held his face with her small hands.
Was she trying to protect the one person who hurt her? Why, I thought. I felt anger; rage now, circulating around me. But I realized then, she was trying to protect her because of him. Because of this male being. My gaze spontaneously went to him -- He was of decent appearance, his eyes, blue and with a grey shade. Strangely enough, I could see she was attracted to him. And it didn't surprise me. He seemed unfamiliarly friendly, and I felt secure, as she was.

I was impatient, I wanted to know what her name was. The angel's name.


Snap! I hit my head, and hard, on the table. So I was dreaming. Great.. just at the part where I didn't want to wake up most from. I sighed, and lied down on my bed, crawling.

Erina, I thought, right before I fell deep into my slumber.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Correction - Amni.

About Teens Love

High school is a phase, or specifically a period of fun, education, drama, growth. But is it a place for love? Walking down the hallways, you will spot couples holding hands, kissing, and sometimes, more. The question is: Are teenagers capable of truly being in love or is it just “puppy love”?

There are two types of relationships: Those that last and those that don’t. Lately, it seems couples are lasting longer than the average weeks. Some date for a whole year or two, if not, longer. This, however, is in the minor range. High school sweethearts are becoming increasingly rare for relationships tend to last all of a week or two. In other words, high school is a good place to zoom in on what one would want to look for in a “special someone” but that doesn’t mean one could be truly in love with one’s boyfriend or girlfriend within a week. It is fine as long as one doesn’t profess undying love because then one would just be childish and foolish.

The question in mind is still: Can you honestly call any high school relationship true love? Would they last outside in the “real” world? Yeah, you heard right. I just depicted these teenagers aren’t living in the “real” world. Take a deep breath now – there are those that have overcome more than most adults but there are definitely those that don’t know the meaning of responsibility. For the most part, most teens have a certain amount of responsibility, but it is obviously nowhere near an adult’s. It is a fact. Is it possible that the only reason for your relationship is lasting just because you see each other a lot and keep an eye on each other? Because one knows, one would not be able to do that once one works and has people relying on you.

First off, let’s define love. I would think to love someone you have to have a friendship with them. It can’t just be a physical thing. One has to go through a lot to figure it out. “One can’t go out for a week, then say one loves another and mean it. Making it past one problem doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love,” says junior Brittany. It would seem she is right. Let’s make this simple and think further. Friendship. The difference? The chemistry between two people? Trust? The complexity of love is that there is no exact formula. It doesn’t have a checklist that one fills out and once completed, it ensures one’s in love. No. All the things worth having are, of course, difficult to attain.

Despite the vague “description” of love, let’s move on. What is a common reason why relationships end? Lack of communication skills will only bring a relationship down. People just can’t seem to voice their opinions constructively without hurting the other’s feelings. Communication skills; that’s right, most adults don’t possess those, let alone teenagers. Get the picture here? Other reasons why teens can’t seem to keep relationships going are: drugs, music, and peer pressure. Singers close in age write about one night stand, and along those lines, of course. Is it surprising “relationship” has become such a vague term?

Are teens capable of true love? Yes, though don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s rare, but it’s not impossible. So, it would be more correct to assume that though rare, love may exist between teenagers. It depends on the people involved, their strengths, and their weakness. And most probably, their patience with each other.

I wrote this in less than an hour; about 45 minutes, as requested from a friend. I'm done. Yay.

Friday, June 12, 2009

James Baum

I don't believe this either; I have nothing to blog about for today. Enjoy the song~

My Angel.

I have an angel; if only I've noticed then. I'm not crazy, insane.. I just, care about my angel.
I never understood why "Angels" are often of female; I've only noticed it's about of grace, warmth and the flood of love they are able to create and comprehend with.
If only I was there.
If only she was to take her own advice.


When I saw her for the first time --
I didn't understand what it is about her that interested me so bad. So bad I wanted to speak. So bad I wanted to feel what she was feeling. So bad I wanted to feel her pain.
I didn't realize angels watch sufferings; we are unable to do otherwise.

She took me in, anyway. She realized me of my choices; took me to places I couldn't go before. Opened me eyes to the surrounding. Closed off the pessimism in me; hand by hand, to just enjoy what's there to me. My eyes were dim, the sunshine stripped off me. Or I just never bothered with the break of dawn. The start of a new day. The morning dew of which swept my fears away; and she was there. My Angel.

At first, I didn't know what to understand. Too many things happened; things that got out of hands. Things of which seemed impossible to fix. She took me to the door I thought was forever closed to me; the door to joy and happiness. She didn't spoil me all that bad as she never left advises to me. That for joy comes misery. But when the rain ends, the rainbow will come. Always. It's the nature of things. It's the nature of Love.

What I didn't see is how much she was hiding. It's true of my theory then -- Angels watch suffering; we cannot otherwise. She was being strong for me, believed in me; but never let me help her. Not that I am capable, but if so, I would've tried. I would've reached out for her. She should've known earlier that; I'd come for her. I'd save her. If she'd asked me.


I just.. can't think properly anymore. My Angel is hurt. And I can't do anything. My beautiful Angel; the blissfull girl, the change in me. "Why.." would be appropriate. "How", I don't understand anymore. My Angel, stripped from her happiness. My Angel, so kind. But Life's too cruel to my Angel. My Angel has gone through too much suffering, and also has helped me.

My Angel. My Love. My Friend. My Fate.

All but not mine. I am.. hopeless.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Miss you.

Blink 182.

So yeah, some of you may still remember this song. It's .. Hm, I'm not pretty sure how to explain it. Different, in its own ways. And as I am typing, I am also enjoying my pudding~ While waiting for someone, that is.

Well, I'm writing an account of my day after my last post.

Let's see.. well, aside from the usuals, my Mother brought me and my little, baby brother along to her school so she can finish up on some work. Translation --> Me having to follow my Mother to help her with the school computer; of which sucks. And yes, it is even a computer. A Windows 2000, at that fact! Haha, I'm saving up my energy for later. Speaking of which, my assignments are still unfinished and my oral.. ugh, don't even ask. I've prepared not a single word for it.

It started out well, I spent 2 hours in the Teachers' Room, doing nothing. It was boring, if I had to be honest. Daniel got all excited at me recording him in a video -- And to be honest, I wasn't entirely into it. I was.. half-awake. I was sure I'd fall asleep; even though I didn't. So I gave him the liberty of loitering around, video-ing the room, silently. It was somewhat educational. If one was studying the behaviour of a 4 year old.

Then after she finished, we moved on to the Exam Room -- Of where all the papers are. It was kind of thrilling to be in it -- If it wasn't for the very fact I've spent 2 hours; BORED, trying to make the system work before. But really, I'd have to give credit for its upgrade. If only I weren't so pessimistic about computers. Sigh. It was fun.. for I get to sit on the teacher's table, swinging my legs. If I weren't so hungry, I'd have liked it. Too bad I were.

And hey, finally a question popped up in my head.

Why do I call my parents Father and Mother?

It's a nice question.
You see.. my brother glares at me everytime I say, "Mum" or "Dad." And I merely think it's because after we were in Poland, Krakow. As my siblings ('cept Wan -- my oldest brother, as he was in M'sia) went to BISC -- A British International School of Cracow. Don't ask why it's "C" instead of "K" now. So I guess it was just a influence; as we were to speak in English for almost all the time. The teachers prohibited their students talking in different languages other than English -- As we are an International School. I perfectly understand.

Why Father and Mother? I don't quite know, to be honest. If I were to direct-translate from my mother-tongue to English, it'd have been Mom/Mum and Dad, actually. I don't know.. probably it's because we respect each other. Maybe a bit too much for our sake. Bah, does it even matter anyway? I have no utterly-man-made comment of it.

So yeah.. it's 23:22 now.

Bed time is nearing.. and I still want to wait. Not to mention my pudding is still unfinished. Hmm.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


So yeah, cheeeeeerr! I didn't actually sleep, my eyes were peeking open every few minutes.. up 'till now, as I am awake. So hmm.. give me a minute to recall yesterday.

First off, I woke up late. Nevermind~! Because my Mother had to be out all day. So.. I was left with my three brothers. It wasn't actually all that bad 'cause you know what? My brothers all are crazy about games. But it was a relief my Mother (her being the nice one yesterday..) brought us lunch right before she went. Not that it made much difference either way. So I spend my mor..- er, afternoon on the TV (Laptop, also, as usual) then got all bored (as Daniel decided he torture me with PHDC. Not cool.) I wanted to stay upstairs in my room.. and maybe study something, but he had to make a fit, thus me being upset at him. (All that angry stuff, but I'm not going to go there.) Anyways, so yeah, me being bored, I decided I try my hands on the new game my other two brothers had been playing.

I was like, "I'm willing to learn to play, if you are willing to teach me."

He said yes. The usual problem with me and consoles is that.. I never learn! It gets all frustating, but I decided I better learn than nothing. I mean, watch PHDC and the stupid Dibo? Heck no.

So we started with basics. Let me recall what I have learnt :

1) Sasuke seems to be easiest for me to play with. (Haha, nahh, I'm joking. But I really like using him.)

2) Different ninjas can combine (Let's say Shippuuden Sasuke and Orochimaru) and sometimes can fight together; as in the special moves (Say Sakura and Naruto; she using his clones to attack the enemy) and there are also other things to it. (Not that I remember.)

3) x button is jump! Haha, I find this funny, but my brother told me I was able to do a swift jump (you know, high kick, high jump, frontal jump, etc) when they took forever to learn! Still funny, however, that's the most basic thing for me. I mean, of course, I love to jump (Especially on the matter in this Digimon game..)

4) Hmm.. Triangle and the "O" button is to use their special move. (Me stupidly do the other way around; thus leading to him being upset with me. Haha.)

5) "Up" + "Up" + "O" = A jutsu
As "Down" + "Down" + "O" = Another jutsu.

Lame, I know, but it's kinda hard for me cooperate with. My fingers are extremely stubborn. Damnit!

6) Chiyo-sama is superbly strong! I'm serious, I mean, with her puppets, I learnt that I can just use the "O" button all the time; without breaking a sweat. How cool is that!

7) Gaara tends to get slower after he uses a jutsu. Which leads me to a great advantage, me being Sakura. Haha. I'm really lame. But she's not that weak however, with her super-strength and all. My my. I'm not all that surprised, though.

8) The "Square" button is the items place. Strangely, I haven't been able to learn fully how to use them. Sucks, but I have to learn other things as well. Sometimes I forget; but fortunately, my brothers are rather sporting with me finally playing again.

9) The Fourth Hokage is fast! I never knew, seriously.

10) Unfortunately, this game also requires chakra. Daaammmnnniitt! My eyes have to look everywhere, I was starting to get tired. It's no wonder my brothers are always tired; now I feel their pain! The "Down" button to "charge" your chakra.

11) If using Sasuke, try not to use Chidori everywhere. (Funny? I'm serious here.) I was just practicing my jutsu skills; but darn, I almost got him once or twice. Sigh. I should learn more and put my techniques to battlefield.

Oh yeah, if you wondering what game am I talking about; I think it's the Uzumaki Chronicles 2, the one for PS2/PSP or something. I forget; but it's surely the Uzumaki Chronicles 2. (At least I think so..~)

Hopefully, I'd be able to zone again. I can't wait. To beat up my clones, that is. I learnt new jumping styles and other stuff. Hmm. Zoning is kind of hard, though. But hopefully, I'll master the techniques just in time to fight other people. Hopefully, with hope. Haha. Peace~


How to handle the teens love..

My very dear friend brothers and sisters I have something of extreme importance to talk to you about. I want to tell you some things about teenagers in love. I know these are very personal and delicate matters for discussion, but given how essential they are to your life, to the whole teenagers, and to the future of Islam as our way of life these are matters we must discuss. In Islam it has been made very clear as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable between males and females who are not married to each other, so if all was going well in this critical area of life I wouldn’t need to say anything; but, all is not going well. Please know what I am going to say to you I say only because I love Islam and I care so very much about the future safety, happiness, and success in the lives of all of you although we may have never met.
From what I have been reading, from what parents have been telling me, and from what has been confirmed in discussions with many young Muslim brothers and sisters from countries all across the world it has become clear that more and more young peoples are not following the guidelines for relationships between boys and girls. As in Islam says is right is easy to remember because we are told that before marriage there is to be virtually no contact at all between males and females. In today’s world, while still a minority, an increasing number of young peoples are having relationships with members of the opposite sex that are clearly outside the limits set by Islam. These relationships beyond the limits of Islam range from seemingly innocent friendships, to boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, all the way to the complete sexual relationship that has been made right by Allah only for those who are married to each other.

Do you think Allah has said there should be virtually no relationship at all between unmarried males and females because He doesn’t want you to have fun? No, Allah has set the rules for right relationships between males and females because He knows for sure what is best for you as an individual and what is best for His Ummah. Allah wants you to have a good time and enjoy the wonderful pleasures of male-female relationships, including the sexual relationship, but He knows you can only experience the greatest joy, and suffer no harm, if you keep your relationships, particularly the sexual relationship, within the necessary guidelines of the right way of life He has given us.

Tough Times for Young Muslims

As you read this message I ask you to keep an open mind until you evaluate everything I have to say. In all parts of our lives we must be sure that what we get is worth what we have to pay. In something so tempting as sexual pleasure there are few who objectively weigh the full costs against those brief moments of gratification. By ‘sexual pleasure’ I mean all the aspects, including the emotional aspect, that lead up to the full expression of the sexual relationship. Allah has placed within both males and females an extremely strong desire to pair off as couples and eventually experience the full sexual relationship. So the feelings of desire for a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex you might be having are entirely natural as it is Allah’s Will that you feel those desires so strongly.

When we look at animal behaviour we see that animals take their sexual pleasure whenever and wherever they can. This is how Allah ensures the continued survival of their species. Never forget that human beings are not animals, so although we have bodies quite similar to animal bodies, and basic needs quite similar to the needs of animals, we relate to our bodies and our needs as beings who have had a God consciousness breathed into us by Allah when we were still in our mother’s womb. This special spiritual nature provides us with many wonderful benefits, but it also presents us with some very serious responsibilities.

These benefits and responsibilities show up quite clearly in relation to the desire for sexual pleasure placed within us by Allah. The benefit is that human beings can experience a level of sustained deep emotional bonding and sexual pleasure far beyond the ability of any animal, but the responsibility is to direct our sexual desires only in the manner set out as the right way of life for us by Allah. Sexual pleasure is only to be experienced between a man and woman married to each other; sometimes this is for the purpose of bringing new human spiritual beings into the world and sometimes it is to allow the ecstasy and the intimacy of the sexual relationship to bond the married man and woman together so strongly as a family, who will be able to raise a new generation of good and right Muslim children within that family, that they become invulnerable to the forces of evil that might attempt to tear the family unit apart.

Most young Muslims in the world today have been heavily influenced by a highly sexualized society around them which says, “Look at the many Western teens or non-Muslim teens in Islamic nations who know no rules except to experience as much pleasure as possible, and who don’t worry about the consequences.” It would be virtually impossible as a young Muslim teen to see the many hundreds of times when unmarried teens are portrayed as boyfriends and girlfriends enjoying the pleasures of sex in movies, songs, and stories from the entertainment of the Western world without having the thought cross your mind something like, “Hey, that looks like fun, if they are doing it why shouldn’t I do it too.” Well, I would like to make sure you know what comes along with what has been called “free sex,” because it turns out that sex isn’t free after all, and the cost is going to probably be much more than you would be willing to pay – if you knew what the true cost was.

First, what are the benefits? Well, you might get a relationship with member of the opposite sex that could take away some of the personal loneliness so common in today’s world; you might get to be seen by your peers (if they don’t know better) as someone who is modern and cool; you might feel you are breaking out of restrictions imposed on you by a religion and culture that you didn’t choose for yourself; you might feel not left out if many others around you are doing the same thing; it might make you feel better about yourself knowing someone ‘really’ likes you; and, of course there is the obvious fun and physical pleasure that naturally comes from experiencing the various aspects of the intimate and sexual relationship.
Some of those benefits result in the fulfillment of natural human desires, even if done wrongfully; but, some of those so-called benefits have been conditioned into your thinking against your will by the wrongful influences of the secular materialist society that exists outside the Muslim Ummah. If you ever find yourself experiencing envy of the ‘freedom’ and the lifestyle of the nowaday teens as portrayed in the media please ask yourself this question and answer it honestly. “Who do you think is better equipped to make decisions about what is a right way to live, the average teen who has never even heard of Allah and Islam, or you who are a Muslim teen who has been Blessed with the opportunity to at least know of Allah’s existence and to understand a little bit about the Islam He gave us as the right way of life? If you don’t know that you are much better qualified than the average godless, pleasure seeking teen to know right from wrong then you had better start using that wonderful brain Allah put in your head a little better.

Studies about ‘puppy love’

Adolescents who claim they are "madly in love" might not be too far off the mark: a new study suggests that they show almost manic behaviours.
Serge Brand of the Psychiatric University Clinics in Basel, Switzerland, and his colleagues surveyed 113 teenagers at around 17 years of age, asking them to complete questionnaires about their conduct and mood and to keep a log of their sleep patterns. Of those, 65 indicated they had recently fallen in love and experienced intense romantic emotions.
The lovestruck teenagers showed many behaviours resembling "hypomania" - a less intense form of mania. For example, they required about an hour less sleep each night than teens who didn't have a sweetheart. They were also more likely to report acting compulsively, with 60% saying they spent too much money compared with fewer than 30% of teenagers who were not in love.Moreover, the lovestruck teens were more than twice as likely to say they had lots of ideas and creative energy. Worryingly, they were also more likely to say they drove fast and took risks on the road.

"We were able to demonstrate that adolescents in early-stage intense romantic love did not differ from patients during a hypomanic stage," say the researchers. This leads them to conclude that intense romantic love in teenagers is a "psychopathologically prominent stage".
They add that psychiatrists should take this information into account when assessing adolescent patients who are having trouble sleeping and are showing other behavioural changes.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Okay, guilt -- I've no idea why I'm about to apologize to my own blog. Call me crazy, but I am.
Fact is, I don't like being angry. And.. my anger was just too much trigered this evening, following "events." One may not understand, but I don't like feeling helpless. Which brings me to the topic.

Qouting from La Dolce Amira (The most intriguing drama on TV yet.); Writing is how I express myself. It is a very relaxing therapy. I can chat easily and it's comforting. (Episode 1) Well, it is. I couldn't agree more. 'Cause there is no way I could speak like this; face to face, to my counselor. One of which, I'm not seeing her again. I've found a way (sometimes not very pleasant) to please and calm myself down when any irritance is triggered or found. Many of which, I've found no pleasant whatsoever when I am to deal with it. Strange.. and strange.

Apologizing is hard, yes, I must admit. I've never found the words to say. It angers me, as being helpless, also being useless and speechless. But I don't like being angry, either. It having the same effects on me, for the most parts. But when I feel angry, I feel as if I want to kill someone; break something -- And I have found that more of a trouble than having lost my words. (Except maybe they are both on the same level -- Still triggering irritance upon me.) It's funny, though, when I take back my words while being in anger -- Probably 'cause I'm too nice. Or is it simply the nature of Nur Amirah, the lame, distorted girl, who is always lost, helpless and feeling useless while everyone who knows her and has been around her, tells her of different? That she is of much value, and that she is lovable, not at least helpless, and has brought life into many of these "people" as we speak? Ehek, no, I'm not boasting about myself, because I'm just simply recalling what Life has bestowed upon me. Bestowed, what a funny and odd word. Hmm, what was it? Crabstomped..? Yeah, I suppose so. Credits to Evan, hehe. Simple as it is, it had put on an amount of interest into this dull self.

You know, as I am writing this blog, I am also listening to Brandy and Monica's The Boy is Mine. Silly, as it is, once again, it is of interest to me. How could two girls fight over a guy? Why in the heck of a world couldn't they talk first, about the mere reason both of them are with the same guy? I mean, couldn't they doubt the guy first? Than waste all that talk to convince themselves that the guy loves one more than the other?

"See I know that you maybe, could be jealous of me.." <-- See what I mean?

But that doesn't mean I'm not on the same wavelength with them. I'd protect the guy myself; if I loved him that much more than fighting with the same sex; one of which I've always hated. Because if it meant I loved someone, I'd always blame that other "person" (as I'd put them as) to ruin my relationship, with the guy of whom I love very much. To love so much to say that he's mine which much snarling, growling, cat-fighing and whatnot; just because I love this guy. Love is such a huge word. Which comes to my last question -- If Love wasn't as hard, would one still fight and use all of them to get it? Would they still find it of much value; that they'd lose sleep over it, worry about it all day long -- Without much concern for themselves? Would they still say "Love is something that comes easy, as it goes easy" and still say that "Love is Eternal"? Or would they simply get bored of it; use it the wrong way, abuse it, and not care at all for their significant other? Would humans be that irreponsible of their personal and close relationships (spouse, partner, etc.) if Love didn't bring the package of sad and misery; as well as happiness and joy, the storm and the neverending rain; the sunshine and the rainbow?

Because I know, that there is a possibility of me doing it myself. I would have never known the value of happiness (even for short, irreplaceable (sp?) moments of my lifetime) if it wasn't for the neverending misery, pain and hurt I've always been feeling, ever since the phase of childhood -- Of which affected my whole contemplation of Life and everything surrounding it. I'd probably take my friends for granted, blame others for my failures and always be in a rant; as I am being spoiled of the happiness I don't even deserve. See what I mean, though?

Haha, no sweat, I know of it. All my sentences are starting in question mark, they even scare the life out of me.

Oh, before I go, I'd like to test my knowledge of a rap song. I've never liked them -- But I absolutely adore this one.

Dead and Gone - T.I. (Nice time in jail, really) J.T.

I've been travelling on this road too long
(Too long)
Just trying to find my way back home
(Back home)
The old me is dead and gone
(Dead and gone)
I've been travelling on this road too long
(Too long)
Just trying to find my way back home
(Back home)
The old me is dead and gone
(Dead and gone)

Ever had one of those damn days
Where you wish you would've just stayed home
Run into a group of niggas
Getting they hate on
You walk by
They get wrong
You reply
Then shit get blown
Way outta porportion
Way passed discussion
Just you against them
Pick one then rush 'em
Figure you get your hair?
Then next
They don't wanna stop
Then now they bushing
Now you gushing
Ambulance rushing
You to the hospital with a bad concussion
Plus you hit four times
Plus it hit your spine
Paralyzed waist down, now you're wheel-chair bound
Nevermind that now you're lucky to be alive
Just think it all started with you fussing with three guys
Now your pride's in the way
But your pride's in the way
You could fuck around and get shot, die any day
Niggas die anyday
All the way over bullshit, dope, money, dice, game ordinary hoodshit
Could this be 'cause of hip hop music
Or did the ones which the good sense not use it
Usually niggas don't know what to do
When their back's against on the wall
So they just start shooting
For red or for blue, for bloo, I guess
From Bankhead or from your projects

No more stress
Now I'm straight
Now I get it, now I take
Time to think before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of left me's left yesterday
That heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away

I've never been scared
I've lived through tragedy
Situation could've been worse, looking back at it
Most of that shit didn't need have to happen
But you don't think about it
When you're out there trapping
In apartments hanging
Smoking and rapping
Niggas start shit didn't
Next thing you know we capping
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now think about damn
What a life I had
Most of that shit look back just laugh
Some shit still look back just sad
Maybe my homeboy would still be around
Had I not hit the nigga in the mouth that time
I won that fight
I lost that war
I can still see my nigga walking out that door
Who would've thought I'd see Philant no more
Get enough dead homies I don't want no more
Cost a nigga his job
Cost me more
I'd take that ass whooping now for sure
Now think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripe
A nigga put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there, talk shit all night
'Cause I hit you
You sue me, I shoot you, get locked up, who me?

No more stress
Now I'm straight
Now I get it, Now I take
Time to think before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me's left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away..

Woah. That took me a while. And no, I'm not going to lie anymore, I did actually listen to the song for a few parts I can't ever get for odd reasons. I did not look at any sites to help me, I can assure. My honesty is relevant if I put my mind to it. (I've no idea what I just said, just so you know.)

Okay, now I've got paperwork (Literally) on me, now. So that means farewell. 'Till next blog.

Monday, June 8, 2009

A promise.

Promised or not, I've said about posting another post. And I've sucessfully granted that -- You have no idea how..- Of how great I am feeling at the moment.

All my anger have now subsided; I feel so great! Though I would have felt better if my face stopped hurting.

I did nothing, I swear. (For as much as I want to admit, I did somewhat put myself into it. Something.. well, I'm not going to tell anymore. I was.. supposed to fry something; in a pan full of oil. And yes, it was pretty hot.. when it had exploded.) It hurt, though, I must admit. I was wincing; trying to hold myself together. For all more masochistic reasons, I was feeling great, at the moment. I was feeling pain; pain that had called upon my subconciousness -- Causing adrenaline, all together swishing to a very.. pleasurable feeling. Hurt, yes, but satisfying. (Ugh, someone slap me already.) Happy but not happy -- Get me now?

You know, I wonder sometimes -- If Love wasn't as hard, would people still die for it? Or would it be too dull; that people just won't bother to be into it anymore?

Hmm, questions without answers. Pain without cure.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


As all might've guess, yes, I am pretty worn out at the moment. But look, I woke up late this morning.. pretty much from staying up to call him.
You know, I was thinking.. Just how much of one's childhood does one actually remember?

'Cause, if you ask me, I've.. apparent holes everywhere. From kindergarden, I only as much as remember of when my brother was born. (Me being with Father's driver; who took me practically everywhere.) And then I'd skip a few (what seems long) years up until first/second grade -- Where my friend turned her back on me; of which made me mental. (For almost the most of my now life). Then to Fourth grade, of where I turned my interest on the subject of English (very much likely for a girl as I were) and how that had influenced my whole life.

You see, English was not of a favourite for most people. (Personally, I take it as easy. Or.. is it just the fact that I took ESL for a whole three years; my teacher being content with my staying in her class?) That, I do not know.

But as most of you may know, I was abroad for some while (of which changed my whole perspective of life and people itself, haha.) Unconventional, however, providing the fact that my mother tongue is really of a low .. um, however you can put it than other of my classmates. I must admit, I do regret sometimes. But, I'd never regretted upon my knowledge; seeing where it has gotten me. I trust myself in self-learning (upon my mother tongue or others...) and I know I'd pass it if I put my mind to it. It's really easier done than said (My diligentness is of high, whether I want to admit it or not -- Seeing I've done 5 hours of studying; without headache, backache, soreness or even loss of interest. I'm silly, aren't I?) if it wasn't for distractions (Friends, him, and other.. things in my life I must attend to than just sit in my room, open a book, and read.) I'm still silly, I know.

And I shall continue, for I am a childish brat whose needs are never attended to -- And I had never whined about them, anyway, haha.
Oh well, I'll post another, later, when my day finishes. Ciao.

The Fray - You found me

I'm afraid of this. I'm paranoid about this..

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came

To the corner of First and Amistad
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be

No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me..


This is actually something I wrote for my.. er, I suppose you can call it an article.
I may need some feeback; providing I haven't even printed this out yet. Feel free to comment, however.

Looking through the eyes of a teenager
According to Wikipedia, angst is of a term from the German, Danish and Dutch word, having a meaning of fear and anxiety. Fear calls for a feeling of being afraid and anxiety brings the meaning of worry and uncertainty. The phrase ‘Teenage Angst’ has been observed to suit and preserve each right as various studies have been made. Life certainly isn’t fair, as to the eyes of a teenager, and most of us would probably agree.

Being a teenager has never been of simplicity. The teenage years are those of which many potential life changing decisions are chosen and made. Some more obvious than others, but still all the same when it comes to premise of character in adulthood.
When reacting with the emotional self, our responses are manipulated and driven by the strongest emotion for the time. More often than not, for adults and teenagers alike, this is not of an affective reaction, as it could lead to situations being more exacerbated or creations of complications based on the behavior of one “emotion on a rampage” as if one as much fight with oneself.

When reacting with the true self, our responses are generated by all emotions, intellect, belief system, and past experiences. As a situation “launches”, and we find ourselves controlled by our emotions, we must allow ourselves time (though it really is a matter of seconds) to process ALL of our emotions then “camouflage” those with our thoughts processions and belief system. This is thus to achieve a stable thinking and state of mind.

Generalizing the definition
The word “love” has varieties of related, yet of similar meanings in different contents. The Greeks had established a sense of plurality for the word “love” as it was observed some languages expresses this said word with multiple words. Cultural differences thus make it difficult for love to have a universal definition.

“Puppy love”
Love -- We think about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it, when we find it, we don't know what to do with it. We fear losing it! It is the source of our Pleasure and Pain, but we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without.Love is amazing, it is both tainted and pure, both kind and cruel. It is amazing, and amazingly hurtful. Love is like nothing else. Love is Eternal.

This is an example of the way teenagers think – some suggests it’s of Holy, some despise it. We experience a lot of things in our lives; one of which being in love. Many put in on the phrase of “puppy love”, meaning short, affectionate, non-lasting feelings for one, that of which a puppy might feel.

However, love being said hard to define; it is of importance all cases to be observed of differently. It is during this phase of which many teens make decisions that are not over-looked to being the right one of their lives, though it differs in different situations. Sexually, what teens experience and explore first hand, is the object of emotions of which associated with love. It is therefore critical to comprehend and feel to one of which they are going through before advising.

Love in aspects
In life, people fall in love at many stages. It is very possible for every person no matter age or indifference to feel or “fall in love.” However, there is a particular phase in life when one reach and everyone seems to want love. This connects with teenage years and love. When a teenager falls in love, it is as referred to as teenage love. Teens are very “unsustainable” and this is rather understandable. It is of the first time in life as for one to feel the urge to love the opposite sex. This is put forth on their physical and emotional growth. Their hormones are usually referred to as running wild and this is very much the case. Teenage is a confusing place to be because one is not of age as one is not mature but one is not of too young to be called a child. This is where the youth acts out and when it comes down to matter of the heart, a lot of them fall in love. Teenage love has sometimes been referred to being unrealistic love. Instead, experts say a lot of these feelings that teenagers have for the opposite sex is mainly infatuation. It is said to be a form of lust that passes with time. And as to how far this statement really go, only a teenager can comprehend.

Capricious of acts
Many questions have been to if this said “puppy love” is real love. Many shall object, while others otherwise. It is, undeniably, a difficult subject to comprehend. Some said “puppy love” last as others subside after short periods. It is of one’s readiness to make it last. As for teens, this is of much complication. Some suffer from deep depression, as some, otherwise. An issue of much, one cannot really define as one meaning, as for the word “love” itself. Teenage love is not something all agree on; but sometimes, it is rather a good substitution for one to go on with life. Fortunately, teenage is only a phase in life and as one grow, one discovers things and becomes wiser in the matter of love.

To many aspects, no one can claim to be an expert in neither love nor life. It comes without expectations and no one has control over it. As, “Love is something of that comes easy, and goes easy” no matter how difficult it may be for one to get over the said phase. One of the many things a teenager can do is make sure they have power over themselves; thus also knowing to the handling of themselves as it comes to the matters of the heart.

The Return (The Kill, Haha.)

Oh well.
So much for that.
Well.. Hey! I haven't been here for such.. a long period of time. I was checking through my last.. er, 3 blog posts. Seems I was driven by my egoistic self. (Why doesn't that surprise me..) Totally randomness, however, was the main genre.

Oh. I might as well make most of my blog while I'm at it. Things have been fine -- I've been happy, for the most part. Serius! I declare there not be some truce or lies behind it, I am truly, and very, happy. And before I continue, I overlooked my profile views. You know what, 100! (That totally, ultimately, shocked me.) Seems people have been reading -- Only I haven't been writing. I apologize, for most parts. Usually because I see no meaning in it (Much as my counselor had anticipated; my stubborn, thick-headed self..) and due to my .. er, unconciousness in regarding of my own blog.

Reviews, however, are given for those who care :

1) I've developed a strange liking to disliking cats. Strange, I've been told, but I do. (Mostly for the part, I envy a certain kind -- Others for them ruining Mother's plants.)

2) I've finally found the last two books of the Vampire Saga. Truthfully, I have been reading kind of fast (Truely because a certain someone had fascinated me in the last book, Breaking Dawn.) but all because I am quite an anxious type. I prefer the climax to be of high level (Drives me mad, for one) and for the suspense to over-power me. (Me having run at amount speed just right after I finished Eclipse..)

3) And yes, I have a new.. well, hobby as you might comprehend it as. I don't think I am allowed to give his name.. but, I believe I already got him addicted. (Apparent by craziness of waiting for calls..)

4) Woo! Happy, but not happy. I'm on medication (stupid skin) again, and not really up for it, this time around. Truely because of the pills I have to consume every night (and me not wanting to eat it, but forced to eat it, anyway) and the reason behind my medication. I'd rather not think about it, however.

You know... I took the liberly in reading my post about the kitten. I had been proud of myself for the shoveling but really, I think I was more to the fact that I had bruises from it. Yes, strange as it may seem, but I do have a distinctive masochitic self of which I am boldly aware of. (Not to mention the advantages of it, tee hee. Shh.)

Far from the fact that, I have, for most of the story, recovered from my depressed self, sometimes I just can't help it. The temptation, truely, is a very, very hard thing to recover from. I do, still, find myself looking at something, of which somehow, suddenly, bleeding all over. (Probably because I'm still not over her death..-) Contemplation, however, is not an option. I'd pretend for all I can if I just won't budge over it. (Easier said than done.)

I am, though, missing my old self. The carefree, helpless (though still is), annoying Amirah. Don't you sometimes wonder how much you've grown after all these years? (Doesn't really apply, haha, to me, for the reason I am barely the age of sixteen) Don't you wonder how much you've matured? How much of those days of the past of which you miss most? How many people you've simply ignored for the very reason you think it's better that way? Just how many of your childhood friends who still remembers you? Just how many people who do miss you, at this very moment of time; at this very phase of life?

Well, I do, surprisingly. Sometimes I wonder how much I'm missing for just taking the other path. Just for taking through the other reasons and the other chances.

Oh. I better go now. Dinner (As much as I hate it) is the time where I have to sit at the dinner table and eat. Bah, laters.