Apology.

Okay, guilt -- I've no idea why I'm about to apologize to my own blog. Call me crazy, but I am.
Fact is, I don't like being angry. And.. my anger was just too much trigered this evening, following "events." One may not understand, but I don't like feeling helpless. Which brings me to the topic.

Qouting from La Dolce Amira (The most intriguing drama on TV yet.); Writing is how I express myself. It is a very relaxing therapy. I can chat easily and it's comforting. (Episode 1) Well, it is. I couldn't agree more. 'Cause there is no way I could speak like this; face to face, to my counselor. One of which, I'm not seeing her again. I've found a way (sometimes not very pleasant) to please and calm myself down when any irritance is triggered or found. Many of which, I've found no pleasant whatsoever when I am to deal with it. Strange.. and strange.


Apologizing is hard, yes, I must admit. I've never found the words to say. It angers me, as being helpless, also being useless and speechless. But I don't like being angry, either. It having the same effects on me, for the most parts. But when I feel angry, I feel as if I want to kill someone; break something -- And I have found that more of a trouble than having lost my words. (Except maybe they are both on the same level -- Still triggering irritance upon me.) It's funny, though, when I take back my words while being in anger -- Probably 'cause I'm too nice. Or is it simply the nature of Nur Amirah, the lame, distorted girl, who is always lost, helpless and feeling useless while everyone who knows her and has been around her, tells her of different? That she is of much value, and that she is lovable, not at least helpless, and has brought life into many of these "people" as we speak? Ehek, no, I'm not boasting about myself, because I'm just simply recalling what Life has bestowed upon me. Bestowed, what a funny and odd word. Hmm, what was it? Crabstomped..? Yeah, I suppose so. Credits to Evan, hehe. Simple as it is, it had put on an amount of interest into this dull self.

You know, as I am writing this blog, I am also listening to Brandy and Monica's The Boy is Mine. Silly, as it is, once again, it is of interest to me. How could two girls fight over a guy? Why in the heck of a world couldn't they talk first, about the mere reason both of them are with the same guy? I mean, couldn't they doubt the guy first? Than waste all that talk to convince themselves that the guy loves one more than the other?

"See I know that you maybe, could be jealous of me.." <-- See what I mean?

But that doesn't mean I'm not on the same wavelength with them. I'd protect the guy myself; if I loved him that much more than fighting with the same sex; one of which I've always hated. Because if it meant I loved someone, I'd always blame that other "person" (as I'd put them as) to ruin my relationship, with the guy of whom I love very much. To love so much to say that he's mine which much snarling, growling, cat-fighing and whatnot; just because I love this guy. Love is such a huge word. Which comes to my last question -- If Love wasn't as hard, would one still fight and use all of them to get it? Would they still find it of much value; that they'd lose sleep over it, worry about it all day long -- Without much concern for themselves? Would they still say "Love is something that comes easy, as it goes easy" and still say that "Love is Eternal"? Or would they simply get bored of it; use it the wrong way, abuse it, and not care at all for their significant other? Would humans be that irreponsible of their personal and close relationships (spouse, partner, etc.) if Love didn't bring the package of sad and misery; as well as happiness and joy, the storm and the neverending rain; the sunshine and the rainbow?

Because I know, that there is a possibility of me doing it myself. I would have never known the value of happiness (even for short, irreplaceable (sp?) moments of my lifetime) if it wasn't for the neverending misery, pain and hurt I've always been feeling, ever since the phase of childhood -- Of which affected my whole contemplation of Life and everything surrounding it. I'd probably take my friends for granted, blame others for my failures and always be in a rant; as I am being spoiled of the happiness I don't even deserve. See what I mean, though?

Haha, no sweat, I know of it. All my sentences are starting in question mark, they even scare the life out of me.

Oh, before I go, I'd like to test my knowledge of a rap song. I've never liked them -- But I absolutely adore this one.

Dead and Gone - T.I. (Nice time in jail, really) J.T.

Ohh
I've been travelling on this road too long
(Too long)
Just trying to find my way back home
(Back home)
The old me is dead and gone
(Dead and gone)
Ohh
I've been travelling on this road too long
(Too long)
Just trying to find my way back home
(Back home)
The old me is dead and gone
(Dead and gone)

Ever had one of those damn days
Where you wish you would've just stayed home
Run into a group of niggas
Getting they hate on
You walk by
They get wrong
You reply
Then shit get blown
Way outta porportion
Way passed discussion
Just you against them
Pick one then rush 'em
Figure you get your hair?
Then next
They don't wanna stop
Then now they bushing
Now you gushing
Ambulance rushing
You to the hospital with a bad concussion
Plus you hit four times
Plus it hit your spine
Paralyzed waist down, now you're wheel-chair bound
Nevermind that now you're lucky to be alive
Just think it all started with you fussing with three guys
Now your pride's in the way
But your pride's in the way
You could fuck around and get shot, die any day
Niggas die anyday
All the way over bullshit, dope, money, dice, game ordinary hoodshit
Could this be 'cause of hip hop music
Or did the ones which the good sense not use it
Usually niggas don't know what to do
When their back's against on the wall
So they just start shooting
For red or for blue, for bloo, I guess
From Bankhead or from your projects

No more stress
Now I'm straight
Now I get it, now I take
Time to think before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of left me's left yesterday
That heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away

(Chorus)
I've never been scared
I've lived through tragedy
Situation could've been worse, looking back at it
Most of that shit didn't need have to happen
But you don't think about it
When you're out there trapping
In apartments hanging
Smoking and rapping
Niggas start shit didn't
Next thing you know we capping
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now think about damn
What a life I had
Most of that shit look back just laugh
Some shit still look back just sad
Maybe my homeboy would still be around
Had I not hit the nigga in the mouth that time
I won that fight
I lost that war
I can still see my nigga walking out that door
Who would've thought I'd see Philant no more
Get enough dead homies I don't want no more
Cost a nigga his job
Cost me more
I'd take that ass whooping now for sure
Now think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripe
A nigga put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there, talk shit all night
'Cause I hit you
You sue me, I shoot you, get locked up, who me?

No more stress
Now I'm straight
Now I get it, Now I take
Time to think before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me's left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away..

Woah. That took me a while. And no, I'm not going to lie anymore, I did actually listen to the song for a few parts I can't ever get for odd reasons. I did not look at any sites to help me, I can assure. My honesty is relevant if I put my mind to it. (I've no idea what I just said, just so you know.)

Okay, now I've got paperwork (Literally) on me, now. So that means farewell. 'Till next blog.