I've had numerous, yes that much, people asking me about my chest pains.
I can't put it to words -- it just hurts. A lot. Like someone's trying to break your rib cage into millions of pieces, that's what it feels like.
Overall I can bear the pain. Most of the times, I have to. As of now, I don't remember the last time I took medication for it; maybe back in college days, because I had to sleep and not focus on my pain. I can tell you though, the first I had it, was when I was ten; it was a Friday night and I can remember the exact position and road I was on. I was in the back seat, in the left corner, just trying to clutch at myself, hoping and praying the pain will go away.
Someone once told me, "Sometimes pain is the only language people understand."
That must be true. Never ending wars. People hurting each other. People giving sympathy due to pain shown.
I don't like it, however, when someone is in pain in front of me.
It remind me of how helpless I am; I get difficulty breathing and I have to constantly ward off thoughts of close off my breathing completely.
Last night, was hard.
I don't know if it was because I stayed up until 3am, due to wanting to satisfy my online friends. I haven't been on for a while, too, and I don't know the next time I will. I stayed until I couldn't move my fingers anymore. It was weird that I could get up and get to bed.
When your breathing cuts off for short, brief moments... you have to struggle to keep on breathing. Several times I had to breathe out the pain, mostly because it helps. Maybe it was because I was close to passing out when I noticed (I sleep at past 3 and woke up around 5) but even moving an inch was hard.
"Suck it up and sleep", I told myself over and over again.
I don't know why, but I feel like crying. At the time, I was too busy being in pain to focus on anything else. Now that I think about it; I actually feel sorry for myself. But I'm grateful. Grateful that God made me through this pain, for the past 7 years or so, because I realize so many things having been through it. Somehow I appreciate life more and more, and I know that, even if I die tomorrow, now, today, sooner or later -- I lived through life at it's peak and if the time comes, I think I can let it go peacefully.
I get it, stop thinking of dying. But I'm not. I'm just saying. I thought the best of men is those who is constantly reminded of death. It's not a bad thing. You feel... repentance (if that means anything) and you feel like, life's not that long. They say to live life at it's fullest; I say live life through the roughest edges and corners. Because we don't learn at the peaks, we learn through the rough roads we travelled on and hopefully, it makes us into a better person.
Maybe that's why I go through all this. I can look back and say, I've grown up, hopefully into a better person than I ever was before. If I were to write a letter to my younger self, I'd tell her that she's a beautiful person, and just because she's different, doesn't mean that she's indifferent. She's not weird. She's not mad. Don't listen to what other people tell you, Amirah. You are your person. What other people is not satisfied with you, that's not entirely your fault. You're going to live your whole life trying to find the meaning for your existence. You'll bump, you'll fall, you'll cry and you'll rage -- but that's living. That's going to be you living your life. You might not recognize me as the person you will be, but trust me; out of everything and everyone you can be, being yourself is the best thing in the world. People are going to appreciate you, show you what love is. Most people you're going to come across is going to be complete assholes and jerks -- but just know that, through all of it, all of them, you're going to thank them. You'll miss them from time to time, but you know that between you and them, it won't ever be the same. So don't fret, you have lots of dreams -- we have loads of dreams. You'll find that, one day, life's beautiful.
And you're going to find that one person. That person to stay through your nightmares, the one who constantly loves you unconditionally no matter how much you're going to push her away, because you feel incompetent and a loser and that you don't deserve her. Trust me, I have a hard time waking up to it and wishing it wasn't just all good dreams. She's going to be your best friend, your everything, your whole wide world. And you're going to love her, cherish her, miss her, want her all the time. You'll miss her, you may sometimes hate, get into fights with her, get upset with her and be jealous of anyone around her. That's not going to stop for a while, but she's going to remind you; every second, every minute, every hour of every day of every month of every year of every birthday you will go through, that she loves you back. That she cherishes you, wants you, misses you, gets upset at anyone around you. And what you'll have is true love, Amirah. So hold your head up high and bash through every brick wall life put to stand in your way.
You'll come out bruised, battered with broken bones but you'll heal and become a better person. You should know, that I love you, too. You're not going to hear me say this a lot of times; but I love you. Like serious. We're having loads of arguments and hate episodes with each other. But I'm the one you'll lean on to in your darkest nights, just until she comes. I am you, and you're going to be me. We're the most amazing person in the whole wide world. Serious.
And you'll be called nerd by several people, and find that in the deepest of your hollow hearts, that they're right. No matter, we're the most amazing people in the world, you hear me? Friends will come and go, and you might never get over your attachments to the little material things you have.
And you might never believe that your parents love you. I don't, either. I don't know if I ever will. But trust me, you'll love them regardless. Regardless that you call them mother and father. Regardless of what you have to go through for your siblings, either, won't change the fact that you love them with all of what's left of your heart. The heart that's hers. We won't get it back, actually. Let me be honest; you won't want it back for a long, long time. Maybe never, who knows.
Spells are going to be the closest word in your vocabulary in your head. You're going to keep hurting and hurting and falling down for that person. You're never going to believe him, truly, ever again. No matter how much you want him, hear me, the love you gave him and will continue to give him, is never going to suffice and make the pain less hurtful. You'll shed tears for four guys and one girl. But not her. This girl is just there to play you and ruin with your head, and she might be successful with her attempt, according to how you get through it. Trust me, you have friends willing to die for you. There might not be a lot of them, I'm even still trying to figure who's true and who's not.
All in all, you're amazing. Keep onto this, and life will be a piece of cake. Even though you'll learn that you'll hate it. Fears? Not a problem. We're going to have issues with you being paranoid, but that's okay; most of the times, it is quite necessary.
Happy 19 days into your birthday, ten year old self.
Sincerely, your 17 year old self.