Tuesday, October 11, 2011



Embedded was nullified. Oh well.

Hmm.. I don't find much interest in leaving the house. Only unless absolutely necessary. But I enjoy the outdoors, the warm sun, the cool breeze on my face, the way people laugh and play around. I enjoy people watching very much.

Last week I was out. It was just, one of those necessary moments of having to get out, you know.
But then I realized, being around a lot of people were terrifying.
I don't like it. Being conscious of people being aware of me. This is why I prefer the indoors; specifically in the room, where there's no audience, no one to judge.
A shopping complex, for one, have wayyyyy too many people dressing up, holding hands, having fun. I didn't mind all that until I'm in the middle of it all. It's like being drifted to a place where you're a ghost -- people keep on like you weren't around. But that's not what I minded. I don't know, I hate that feeling of consciousness. The way everyone was judging everyone else. Another reason why I prefer the indoors.

But sometimes that's a good feeling. When I want to feel lost, I shove myself literally into conversations, into a crowd of people. Where people don't notice you, where people didn't mind you. I guess it's pros and cons of being in the social life. And I don't mean Facebook. *squints eyes* Cough.

And yesterday was kind of.. a long day for me, I guess. I was in an army camp's library and I found myself back to the book I was reading the last time (around 3 months ago) I was there.

"Mild and Severe Depression"

I didn't get the authors', yes authors', names.

Basically it was all in the psychological views. Clinical practices. Examples of disturbed and troubled children. Did you know that most patients diagnosed with depression were mostly those who grew up with at least one or two depressed parents? Lol.. that seems natural, though. I can't remember what I was trying to say.

Reminds me of this particular lyric;
Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way.

 I spent a good 3 to 4 hours on it, and found that, even when I started not on the first page, I could only get as far as 160 pages+. I was actually bewildered. I probably stopped on the 170-175th page, when my father finally came around to taking me. Usually novels take me half an hour to get to the 200th page or so. Well, it is a psychology book. Mostly because I had to stretch several times and I was craning my neck too much, it was starting to get uncomfortable (odd since I was on a couch..) getting on the second hour. But I went on reading because it was that interesting. What I find most interesting that most of the symptoms fit me, apart from hallucinations. As far as I'm concerned, I don't actually hallucinate. I think I see things. I don't know. Just a gut feeling sometimes.

Like a feeling that a person, or thing, passes by you. You turn around and swear you saw something pass by but see nothing. That sort of thing. People, mostly girlfriends, have told me that, you're not supposed to look back. Or be aware of it, actually. Spirits, or something.

The only things I consider as spirits are the floating invincible things, mostly curved-shaped, that I always see when I look up at the sky and just stare. Well, I call them invincible because they're translucent and I don't find other people staring up at the sky like I do.

I remember one particular Sports day, the one that was on my 'Crushes' post, which was strangely the post that were most read, that I spent under the sun, looking up the sky with my head behind my head. I enjoy the sun that way. Now it's just too much vitamin D and you could get skin cancer because of the holes in the atmosphere, resulting in harmful UV rays.
Oh well.

Sometimes I go out, after too much staying home and be like, "Vitamin D! Ahh, sun. How I missed you."

Lately it's been raining so it's been warmer than usual. I don't notice the difference- just at night, where I feel like I'm freezing. Oddy. Maybe the fever that's been coming in and out of me. Maybe. Who knows.

Summaya = Piano notes. That is all.

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