Writing.

Kalau tengok balik era kegelapan dulu, sangat banyak menulis. Tapi banyak penulisan yang ana dah buang. Forget there and then. Sebabnya sudah memang terlalu banyak. Banyaknya merepek, so tak kisah sangat.

Baru saja hari tu membaca rungutan seorang sahabat, "Kita ni kurangnya menulis! Kurangnya membaca!" Teruknya nama ana ditag dua kali dalam ruang komen. Aku terlopong jap. Dalam hati, "Kenapa budak ni?"

Sebabnya penulisan sudah lama ana ditepikan. Salah satu sebab adalah kerja ana banyak di alam maya. Banyak di dalam bentuk software. Kalau menulis, tidak hairan sangat dengan word. Lebih suka di atas kertas, baru ada feel.

Dan rakan-rakan ku dah banyak kali ber'blogging'. Dalam satu tahun, tidak banyak ana menulis. Ana akui, telah banyak ana 'spend' untuk berfikir. Sebab sebelum ni, ana menulis tanpa membaca. Menulis tanpa meneliti. Melontarkan tanpa berfikir. Sejak kebelakangan ni (dari semester lepas kot), banyak masa guna untuk berfikir. Tapi berfikir pun, tak tahu berlandaskan apa. Walau apa pun, tetap mencuba untuk berfikir.

A long time, actually, it took for me to get back on track. Because if we don't understand the basics, it's hard  for you to get anywhere. Even though you pretend to get somewhere, when in actual, you are in the same place as you are before.

Second day of camp, sometimes I feel I am of no use. It's also due to my ever-changing health. But now that I think of it, who was the one who said,

"Islam is not just you sit in mosques, you do five prayers. Islam is everything! Islam is the phone. Islam is the internet. Islam is everything! So don't feel like this unit doesn't contribute to Islam."

Me. I said that to my subordinates. As the saying goes, "It's easier said than done." It is easier said. But once we are in the position ourselves, it might take a while. For me, sometimes it takes ages. Feels like forever. But it's better to feel that it's forever than to have it not completed at all. One step at a time. Allah created everyone and everything to have their own uses, right?

Sometimes we may feel... left aside for a while. But we need to realize that everything happens for a reason. We are not left (or felt) aside for no reason. Sometimes we are taken the privilege of having people around us so that it's only us and Allah. So who's sweeter than Allah? Who's more merciful than Allah? Who's more caring than Allah? Even Allah loves us more than our mothers can love us. Isn't that awesome?


But that feeling aside, does not mean feelings of hopelessness. Yes, it does feel like hopelessness. Lost. Abandoned. Stepped on. But if we think back of those feelings, what did they do to us? If they didn't bring us back to Allah, it is no longer Allah's mercy on us. So be grateful when you have tears during your prayers. When you feel so immersed in your dua's. When you feel that you have only Allah. Because that's the mercy of Allah Azza Wajalla.

You know, that's why I stopped writing. There were too many things I wanted to put on paper, that it's hard to jot down every single feeling. Sometimes it gets hard to express yourself. I struggled with that for a while, and sometimes people would try to talk to me, and it doesn't help me to get better. It gets worse. And worse.


But that's the beauty of life. You have ups and downs. If you don't have ups and downs, you are not really living. Or there's something wrong with your life somewhere, maybe.


And, I learned a new term today: Codependent.

Don't know how I got there, actually. If from before, I would be on Wikipedia, jumping from one term to another. It's a good feeling to learn new things everyday. Especially in my liking, I would go to psychological terms. Health terms. Diseases. Symptoms. Factors. Because they are associated with human nature. Like.... you know, behavioral science.

Anyway, I got to codependent. In short, codependency refers to a person who are engaged in a relationship where they put the other person first than themselves, even at their own expense. Mostly related to spouses with alcoholism. According to Lancer (2012), it can also occur to people with a dysfunctional family institution (parents) or an ill parent. Usually, I love reading about (clinical) depression, suicide, addiction. Once I came across OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). It's maybe due to the fact that I have an interest in the career of a therapist (very much likely that I'm not going to be one, haha) and counseling. I love the aspects of counseling. Listening. Helping. Healing. Of course I believe in the power of faith and prayers. But there are certain types of people (friends, mostly) that I want to tackle and I can't use the talk of religion on them. Maybe from the same religion also, it's hard for the message to get across.

As I said earlier, since Islam is everything, I believe in the act of kindness to everything. That's why the best da'wah is done through first impression. How people perceive you. I have on 'Teori Kaunseling menurut al-Ghazali'@(Counseling theories of al-Ghazali). al-Ghazali is known for his Ihya Ulumuddin. *search later yourself, haha.

Back to codependency... http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/symptoms-of-codependency/

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

I'll leave you guys with that for now. Ciao~