Folders of My Heart

You can say that you've moved on. You can say that you don't think of them anymore. You can say that you don't replay the words they tell you every single second you're awake, that you don't dream of them anymore. Dream of holding on to them, begging and pleading them to stay. You can say that.

But I know that you still hurt over them. You're still bitter over it all. That's why you ran all those miles away at the mention of the person that came between you two. I know you still hope for them to reach out to you, even though you know the chances of you making the moon is substantially greater. I know you haven't let go of their heart.

And you've got this folder, named a single letter. 8 years of knowing, 4 years of unity and 2 years, 1 month and 3 days after their disappearance, all down to this one folder. You open it every now and then. You tell yourself not to, but you keep doing it. Over and over again, like a broken song on your music player.

But even though you choke slightly, you come back to your senses. Heartbreak heals, just like everything else. You've moved on, opened up your scarred heart to someone else, still hoping they'll take it. You've given your hands for that someone to hold, and you might be a little scared of them running away, but they haven't yet, so that's something, right?

And you go over that folder. You right click on it, you breathe in, you scroll over to that 'Delete' button, and it's gone, breathing out. All traces of them, physically and emotionally, gone.

And you're finally clean.

Short update

Hi!

I'm just here to update that I've been working relentlessly on a story and I mean to publish it here (for maybe 2 weeks to a month, depending on how good my mood is at the time) and Maya is the only one who has read it so far, so I congratulate her.

August has been... very annoying so far. At least there's only 4 days left of it, right? Annoying in the sense that my feelings and emotions are excessively and aggressively all over the place. Every single thing ticks me off and I swear I have to hold myself back many times. But it leaks anyway, because self-control for Amira is currently non-existent. As of right now, I am in my room, on my laptop, sitting with my back against the wardrobe as I'm typing on this rather small table here, with my old school BISC's cap facing backwards. I guess you could call it a snapback. Oh and my favourite pink teddy bear is looking over at me, silently judging me as I'm typing away. I hope no one else is having it anymore rough than I am.

Um, not sure what else to say here. Also I have my phone turned off so apart from posting this on FB as always, I won't be on there. Or anywhere else. I've also been sorta job hunting so we'll see what happens there.

Oh! Before I forget, I regret to say that I have been through a rather traumatic experience just yesterday. My crush got married, and it left me very sad, though I couldn't produce any tears. I feel like there's some sort of conspiracy going on to leave me to get married or something. But lol I'm just being dramatic here. Happy for them though. But I can't really talk to them anymore because I'm kinda avoiding them as I give them space. But I know they need me, because when they got engaged, they said that nobody but me was happy for them. I was temporarily depressed at this fact.

Anyway.

I'm sleepy and I have a pounding headache so I might take a short nap so I can continue my story later in the night.

P.S. A big shoutout to Allison for releasing that WayHaught video... I kind of worship you now. But please, GIVE US MORE!

Ok bye!

Broken leg

So as usual, I haven't been on as much because I have been busy with my not so temporary job. I worked at a kindergarden and honestly, I quite enjoyed it. Plus I get to cook, and improve my cooking. (It still needs a lot of work. And I'm not married yet)

     I've come to tell you all (all 3 of my followers lol) about what happened to me last Tuesday, around 12pm. See, the irony is, I've just (and I mean JUST) came back from the hospital. And in the morning, I tried to wake my sister up and send me to the ERL but she wouldn't budge and I don't want to park somewhere far so I decided to take her motorcycle. (Bad idea already) I paid like RM1 for parking and moved on to the hospital. I talked to the doctor, got a medicine to get me by until my next dosage and went back home. I ate bread with mushroom soup, because it is the only thing that gets me by in the morning.

     As I was on my way back, I already felt like there was going to be something bad happen, but I didn't know what. You see, you should never ignore your first instincts, because usually they are right.

     So I got back to my motorcycle, and drove back. Everything was going well, until I made a turn and suddenly the brake wouldn't work! I swear, I just flew across the road and into a road light. I lied there for about 10 very long seconds, contemplating on just laying there when out of nowhere, I swear 6-7 men ran towards me (I couldn't see them at first as I was busy laying down in pain on the ground) and started to pull the motorcycle up for me. They couldn't help me pick myself up because that would mean touching me (I guess good men still exist heh) so naturally I had to act tough and got up on my own. They asked me, "Are you okay, miss?" I nodded and they vanished. I swear, either they ran very fast or I blanked out as they went away. Only two men were left and they stayed at the side until I could go back on the motorcycle. Honestly, I was in so much pain from falling down that I decided to stop by a cake shop to eat my pain away. I ordered a blueberry cheesecake and a long black coffee. It was funny because I was hopping around and everyone started and I ignored them because I needed something sweet so I could ride back home.

     So when I came home, my sister opened the door and I gave her a face. She was like, "What?" I said very slowly, "I fell down the motorcycle." She couldn't believe it until I limped on one leg into the house.

     So that's the story of how I fell down the motorycle for the third time. The first and second time occured on the same day and I was fine afterwards. I guess three is my lucky number. And oh, no, my leg is not broken or fractured but the doctor said to go to the hospital if the pain persists, which is what it's doing.

Anyway, thanks for reading this post. I wish you all a good day. Bye!

I hate my name

Story of my life; I used to hate my name. Like with extreme hate. I hated it so much that I cringed everytime someone called me by "Amirah".

I used to think, "Oh the name is so common, literally you can go around and find any Amirahs from the street" and I used to really just hate it. There was no end to my hate that I started spelling my name by "Amira" and not the full "Amirah". I did ask my parents one day, "Why did you name me Amirah?" They didn't give me the answer I was looking for. Or at least I wasn't satisfied. In my defense (if I could defend myself), I was never truly satisfied by anything. There was always a fault in something so I lived in misery and agony for almost half my life.

I don't know how, I don't know when, just one day, out of nowhere, my teacher was asking us about what our names meant. I told the class, "In Arabic, my name means leader/queen/princess" Literally my name means Light of Princess. See I did not know this before and hated without question or surveying what my name really means.

And I think this applies in everyday life, in other aspects. Sometimes you hate because you don't know something. Like you hate Math because you're not good at it. Like some people hate History because it's a lot of reading and the events just seem to twist and turn (especially American History, according to my Year 8 History teacher). And you can hate it, sure. Hating is a choice. But give it a chance before you choose to religiously hate something. Give it a chance to prove itself to you. Like I didn't watch Pitch Perfect before and it seemed literally everyone but me knows and seen the cup song by Anna Kendrick. But I hated it anyway because I didn't see it and I was not bothered to give it a chance. But once I did give it a chance, I thought, "Hmm, not so bad."

And there's this cat that we named Princess (or I named it) and I gave it food and I thought, "Hmm we're actually calling her Amirah then since Princess = Amirah" Lol

Morale (or moral?) of the story is, know something before you judge it. Or as the popular saying goes, "Don't judge a book by its cover."

Sincerely,
Amirah.

Insults 101

So an insult is basically just a word or a phrase. I know it's hard to recognize when it angers you but believe me, it is a word unless you give it power to be an insult.

Funniest thing happened to me last night, I had spent all night being okay... And happy. And this is weird coming from me, especially being thrown at with this kind of word. I think that, if you can be okay with such a word, maybe you are alright. There is no need to dwell on something that obviously means nothing to you. And that's how insults should be -- nothing. Because it does not, by all means, define who or what you are.

I think this one step will take you far. Try it sometime. Find the humour in the word and you will be okay.

Sincerely,
Someone who has never been okay before

Have you ever..

Say, been to the "I want to have kids" stage? It's funny since there is no "I want to get married asap" kind of thing, I just feel like I wanna have kids.

Okay, so maybe it's the sleep deprivation talking or the fact thay I'm using a baby lullaby to get to sleep. I don't know, I just want to say, "I want to have kids."

Maybe you've never gotten to this stage before, regardless whether you have a spouse or not(I'm boyfriendless, just saying) but live with me for the next 10-20 minutes.

I can.. Like, envision myself with 3 kids right now(maybe more), and it's the right number. They would be, a year or two apart, screaming and running around endlessly. I think that's solely because I was a loud, vicious kid. Yeah, so there would be just 3 of them and myself, and everyday would be headaches and headaches. But once you get past the diapers and baby blues stages, we'd have a blast everyday. Sleep would be the most challenging stage, putting past the eating and showering parts. And since there is 3 kids, they'd be endlessly fighting and I'd have to stop and put them in separate corners of the room. Ya feel? And despite of all that, we'd have bedtime stories, painting time, delicious snack hours (because I eat nonstop) and try new cooking together. All 3 of them, screaming and fighting for a taste, probably dangling from my waist (like I do).

I don't know. Maybe I'm lonely, but if it were up to me, I'd have kids by now. And I know everyday would be an adventure for us. (Now I sound like a kid's show, lol).

Anyway, really gotta sleep.
Bye!

Eka Jonas

Blogspot says the last time I posted anything was in September, 2nd, 2013. Wow. Like a year ago.

So this morning, like at 4 in the morning (yeah so I have random sleeping times), I couldn't fall back to sleep. Probably because I was worrying about not waking up later (it's now 5:36am), so I start my 'ritual' of listening to something that'll hopefully lullaby me back to sleep.

Guess what? What I listened to inspired me to write this post, because I had like, memories raining over me of my certain best friend; Eka Jonas. :)

First and foremost, I know it might sound cliche, but I am not really the type to wish on birthdays. Now that I think about it, I'm not really the type to do anything in that matter. But I just want you to know, Eka, that I know it was your birthday on the 10th of June, and I should've wished, but I think that, wishing is not the most important thing. I used to think that it is, but it's not. Because someone may wish you on your birthday but they'd be, "HB" and that doesn't really have much of a meaning. For me, what's important is that, for someone's birthday, especially someone close to you, you may not wish them in black and write format, call or anything, but you keep them in your dua's. Regardless, wish you the best 21 years and 21 years ahead in the future.


Secondly, I miss you. I miss you a lot. Can you believe it's been 5 years since we first met? Yeah. And I still remember clearly how bummed I was to learn that you moved away for the last year of senior high, because you were actually my only hope back then, to go through the final year of high school. But I'm glad we stayed in contact, I'm glad you were nice to let me keep in contact with you. :) I remember you telling me about you didn't like your phone anymore, and sometime soon, your phone decided to break suddenly. I remember ranting to you about the light in my room, because even when I closed the lights, there was a light from the house behind and it bugged me a lot. I'm glad the first time I went to Pavilion was with you, and I'm happy I found the book I searched for, with you. I remember texting you when my younger brother first went to MRSM, Pekan and now he's 16!


And the one thing that'll always remind me of you is your obsession of the Jonas Brothers (to me, the only and first JB). I always thought that was cool, even though guys in the class picked on you because of that. But I think, over the years, what really etches you in my memories is that you are a nice, sweet person. And I'm not even saying that because you are a close friend of mine. Sure. But the first things I thought of you was, "She's so nice" and "I think I'm gonna be close to this girl" And we did for the long run. You are one of 3 friends I kept in contact with after high school; you, Fatin and Sharina (yes, when she reads this, I hope she messages me or something lol)

And I know that it may not seem like it for the past 5 years, but you're always gonna be that close friend that I never forget. Sure, I may have temporary amnesia sometimes, due to my constant insomnia, but you get what I mean. Hey, that rhymes. Lol. Otherwise, I believe it's just we have a lot of things in common; you are probably the only person I can shop with and not yawn every 3 minutes (or every passing minute) and we share more interests than you think. That being said, I am also proud of you; proud of all you've achieved, and hey, you're already a bachelor student. I also hope you have the opportunity to do umra again. :)


Lastly, it's almost Ramadhan! Do you remember the last time (maybe?) we went out was during Ramadhan? Because I remember telling you how my baby brother, Daniel, was fasting only through midday. Funny thing is, you also have a younger brother named Daniel. And everytime I get on the KTM, I am reminded of you, because the last time we went, it was before the new KTM was released. You are also kinda one of my few friends that I can speak English with, in spoken and in text.

I hope you read this very long post, haha. I'm sorry it's too long. I do hope you have a nice day. Oh!
Before I forget, this was what I was listening to....

Jonas Brothers - When you look me in the eyes

Good morning and have a nice day! Hope you enjoy this post specially dedicated to you, our friendship and Jonas Brothers.