Friday, October 7, 2016

Train stops

Since I typed this out at 4am, I decided to actually reread and replace some words.

It was a cold Wednesday evening as I was slightly trembling from the light shower that hit me as I ran into the train station. My gaze fixed on the route plan as I calculated the stops till my own; 10. I sighed, standing upright in my 6'2 frame, in my 'casual' red blazer, with my grey long-sleeved t-shirt and my black slack as my right palm rested on the train's door. It hit a stop and a woman went in, so I took several steps back and leaned across the other door; she looked in her twenties, a red with white ribbons Keds, red pants and a pretty orange plaid as her top. Her hair was neatly combed to her left, short but to my liking. I caught her looking up from her 5'3 height up at the route plan the way I did and got a glimpse of her face. I had to swallow. As a man going into his thirties in a month, I had never seen a woman look so beautiful. I kept my head down, hoping it'd conceal the blush creeping on my face. After exactly 2 stops after she went in, I felt a hand on my left shoulder and I so much had turned my head into the direction, and I saw the woman give me a warm smile. I fidgeted about nervously, trying to clear my throat. I wasn't uncomfortable, I was... overwhelmed. She spoke and I found my ears trying to take in all that she had to say, "You know, it's okay." She stopped right there, as the train stopped another time. "It's okay to feel lost."

I was baffled - did I not hide my feelings well? How did she know? She continued, "Stop trying to run away. Don't bury yourself in, don't put on a mask just because it would please people." She let her hand fall, "You are not weird. You are just... you. And that's perfectly fine, there's nothing wrong with it." I stared at her unblinking. "You beat yourself up too much. "I'm doing this wrong, I'm not doing this right, people hate me, people don't like me the way I am" You feed yourself these negative thoughts and now you can't escape. You tell yourself that you are happy, but your happiness is somehow 'not the right thing'. Wrong. Stop beating yourself up, stop. Just stop. It hurts too much." I began to open my mouth but she just continued, "They love you. And if they're making you feel this way... tell them. Screw whatever they will think, you have the right to say what you feel. Damnit, you have the right to voice out! Tell them!" By this time, every head turned to our direction. I felt eyes on me, but all I cared about was why this woman felt so much pain and agony over me. A literal stranger. Soon, my stop came, and I got out but the woman followed, silent now. I didn't know what I should say, should I thank her? For what?

As if the whole thing couldn't get more awkward, I turned around and held her in my arms. She didn't budge, so I let her head rest on my beating chest. I had so many words to tell her... but I just felt hot tears go down my cheeks. It was the first time I cried in my life and this woman was somehow the reason for it all.

No comments: