Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Suicide Prevention Month

So, since I somehow cleared up space in my phone to be able to read my emails, Good Therapy tells me that September is Suicide Prevention Month and they gave me some articles (that I may or may not read at this point). I was just laying down thinking about everything and decided that I'm going to write it down for future references.

I don't like telling people about my mental illnesses because I feel like I'm seeking attention and trying to put myself in the spotlight, but I won't go ahead and lie about it. I'll probably admit that I have depression, but I won't elaborate much unless you're asking for it. And most people do, anyway. I think some people can read it on my face, because I'm so horrible at hiding my feelings all the time. I get asked many times on several occasions; "Are you okay?" or "Do you need help?" or "Do you want me to call the ambulance?" or "Do you want to talk about it?" and such and such. The list keeps going on. But I try to put on a mask anyway, because it gets tiring to get all these questions, and no, I don't want to talk about it. If I did want to talk about it, you're not the person I want to talk to. That's mean, though, but it's true.

I'd like to point out that I have decided to not talk to certain people for some period of time, since my condition is not getting better anytime soon and I don't like saying, "I'm getting progressively worse" every time that it just loses meaning, but it doesn't mean that it isn't true. So if you think I'm avoiding you, I probably am. Not even getting "progressively worse" because I stopped taking my medication and all that, it's just that I'm not even trying to get better anymore. I think I stopped for several months back, even though my doctor tells me that I'm doing a good job. No, I'm not. I'm not doing a good job. Because every time I have to see you for an appointment, I hyperventilate for a good half an hour in the toilet, trying to muster the courage to tell you what's really wrong. And I never do, because even after all this time, I still don't trust you with my condition. And it's silly, to not trust an expert, but I don't anyway. I have no explanation to this, and I don't want to talk about it further. Okay, I didn't want to get into this.


Suicide. It's pretty scary of a word. And it's still somehow so vaguely explained. I know a friend that had to deal with the death of a close friend, and he was pretty wrecked. I did as much as I could at the time, but it's really up to him to recover. Eventually, he did though. I think that's why people say suicide is a selfish thing to do, because of the emotional damage caused to everyone around. Selfish? Really? How about we take a moment to think about what the person is going through, so badly that they think suicide is the only answer? Also, the whole "Don't do something permanent to a temporary problem" is kind of stupid, I'm sorry to say. To a depressed person, the "problem" is not so temporary. It's pretty permanent in our heads. You can't just accuse people of things you can't possibly understand, until you're in their shoes. And it's the worst shoes anyone can wear. Because I've been around suicidal people almost all my life, and I've been too myself on several occasions, I can say that even the slightest thing can trigger the emotions. Usually you'd advise them to avoid these situations, but it's kind of hard when everything seems to be stuck together. I feel blessed that I at least grew up with a religion, that it limits my "options" to a certain point. But there are still things that I do. Sometimes it would get so hard that I would end up curled up on the floor, just trying to remember to breathe. Because when you're at that low point in your life, there are very little things that will make sense to you. My sole advise is to have at least one person that you can trust to be around for you when that happens. Fortunately, and unfortunately, for me, that person is my best friend. But even your friends lose words sometimes, and you have to understand it is hard for them too, because they don't want to trigger you further while trying to be there for you at the same time. And ultimately, you're left by yourself. With the voices in your head. And it could make or break you.

The voices though.

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