Tellmegoodbye.

For these past few months, I have been diligently (mhm) checking my statistics for posts and my audience. I think it's safe to say that I'm quite surprised that my audience is of a wide range. Why thank you.

I felt suffocation yesterday.
Between deciding whether or not I should succumb to it, I found myself lost deep in thought.


Anyway, to start off, good day to you.
I learned as of lately that patience is not just a virtue, and you can't particularly achieve it through practice. It's through hard work and tolerance of the waiting part. And waiting for people is of a different thing, because you can, or not, get mad at them. But when you wait for some thing to happen, who are you supposed to get mad at? You're not supposed to. You're the one waiting. So why get angry at anything? It's serene waiting for something to happen. I have been waiting for what I have believed all these years to happen in front of my eyes, but maybe it'll happen to me instead, a bonus. Maybe I'll go to finding it within myself. Maybe it's near me and I have to decode it. God knows.


And of my consistently similar dreams of death, zombies and dying in particular, I seriously don't know what to make of it. It's gone for now, but I reckon if it comes back, I'll be able to face it full with my heart. The only decent dream that I remember lately was of my being in a forest of some sort and got turned into my younger self. I've been too tired lately to have a dream that I'd remember. Usually it's the passing out and being too tired to fall asleep that occupies my mind. Right before I fall asleep, that is.

A foreigner asked me and my sister. Something about 'bintang', I guess he was trying to say that. All I heard was 'the time' and I worked my brain and it processed as 'bintang'. He wanted to know which platform to Bukit Bintang. Hahaha. So hilarious. We showed him the way. It was on the monorail, by the way, in the city centre. I was out to watch a movie and just to get some air. My sister pointed out the fact that he looked familiar. I thought it was because he had a familiar face and he was probably German. Australian accent would be more confusing -- accents have never been my forte. I was brought up with no particular accent in my country so even if someone else, on my race, says something in slang/accent, I'd be very confused. Of course to people outside, I'd have one. Within? Not so much.

Oh, and my lack of Asda roleplaying, I am slowly getting over it. I do miss slaughtering monsters, wolves especially, and beating up other people. *deepsigh. Oh well. I'm about to go back to my studies anyway, soon, which means no games, no internet, no socializing in the online world so much, it doesn't really bother me. Not the leaving my friends, that is. And... no posting in my blog for the long run. As soon as I figure out where I'm going, though. I only have a week left at home and I still am not sure where I'll be.

After I've figured all that out, it'd be time for another post. I thank you for reading.
Till next post.

Paranoia.

I feel so terribly scared. Suddenly everything's in silence, like trapped in time. Suffocation sets in and this is when I slap myself. Hard. I did that and it hurt, so, I'm not dreaming. Thank goodness.

I've had stranger dreams by the day. Probably due to my sleepless nights, I suppose, but you can never be too sure.

And just a while ago, I had a chat with a friend. I think. It just doesn't seem like her. For the record, I am paranoid, PARANOID, of links in Yahoo Messenger. WhydidIclickit,facepalm. But it doesn't show anything, but I'm still like paranoid. Okay, so I have my family downstairs laughing. I feel kinda better.


I just want to get this out of my chest, but I'm the one who doesn't look at looks. I don't, serious. But... now I feel dazed. Maybe it's because I haven't seen the opposite sex in a while, I don't know. You know the feeling when you see something, or someone, and you feel your pulse racing? It's kind of like that, but a level below that feeling. Maybe two to three.

Hm... I have a trip tomorrow. Quite a long one, at that.
When I was small, I enjoyed watching the street lamps (at night) because it was yellowish-orange. Yes, and at that time, I wasn't yet obsessed with the colour. In a car, just so you know. The street lamps seemingly passing by you, when actually the car is moving. That sort of feeling, that brings up my curiosity and it has been said that every time you are curious, you learn something new.

Aha, I've been 18 for 3 days now. Nothing's changed, but it feels great on the inside. Growing older (able to afford 5bankaccounts,cough) and knowing that I can tell people, for real, that I am 18, whaddup. Ignore that last one, I am just exhausted.


Have you ever had that feeling that you are alone, and no matter how many times you try to convince yourself that you really aren't, you can't seem to shake the thought off? I've been feeling like that for the past few days, in conjunction with my sleepless nights. Maybe it's because I've had too much free time, which equals to too much thinking time. Which never seems to be of a good thing for me, if not for classes, tests and exams.


Loneliness always brings me back to my childhood days.
I actually had that awesome dream where I was brought to a ticket booth on a walk and I got a ticket, entered it and suddenly became my young self. It was awesome. I guess. I enjoyed it, yes, even with the getting shorter part. I was walking with a boy and two girls. We were on some trip and in the end, I had to go back to the real life and became adult again. ...Am I an adult? Haha. I was on crutches. I wrote a passage on the whole thing, and somehow managed to link it to my short story where the main got into a fatal accident. Explains the crutches whole thing.
If I recall correctly, I was in a dress. When I was small, I had a lot of them. As I grew older, it became awkward kind of and now I just prefer pants and whatnot.


Ugh... my craving is slowly making me nauseous. No, I'm not pregnant. *shake fist* And I'm not in my monthly pain. My stomach has just been acting shady since two days ago.


Well, this has been my November's first post and I thank you for reading.
Until next post.

Let me play it loud(8)

Spiders.

When she screamed at the spider on her dress, I burst out with laughter. She's hilarious and beautiful. And her scream is totally adorable. I was laughing, because I know I'd scream the same way if some spider was on me. xD

Totally infatuated with Taylor Swift. Oh, and Rain. It's been raining lately, and I wish Rain would just somehow pop out in front of my house and my life would be halfway completed. (:


It kinda reminds me, a lot of things in my calendar, I actually can't watch or do them. It's like, I missed The Roman Empire, once and the second time, I passed out on the couch trying to watch it on the television with my sleepy eyes. *facepalms* I haven't been able to watch it ever since. I missed Season finale of CSI : Miami. Because I was out seeing an adorable baby. Wanna see it?

Cute baby! Welcome to the world. :)

Oh, and it's a boy, if you haven't figured that out yet. *rolleyes
But oh well. Things happen for a reason.

I'll get around to watching it next time I watch TV.

I found it funny; the night before I went to the hospital, I was writing about my main character getting into an accident and ending up in the hospital. So the environment kind of helped my visual description hopefully and I became excited to continue on my 'short story' from the other day.

"When there's a conductor stand... and you have the opportunity to stand on it, and do this *mimics a conductor* shouldn't you do it? Like shouldn't we do this *mimics again* if we have the opportunity to? Isn't that what life's all about? Doing this when you can?"

Taylor Swift.

Ah... I don't really know what to say in this post. I just wanted to share the video and the picture.

It's a Friday, can you believe it? I can't.

Time goes, slowly but fast. If that makes any sense at all.

Oh, and I have to wait for my November allowance to decide on the colour papers. I'm debating whether I should just abandon it and 'stop being a nerd' but I was just... so excited doing Additional Mathematics. *sadface I have to do something about it. Maybe I'll leave Maths and take the papers there.... Hm.

Talking about hospitals, they say it's scary to stay overnight. Like there's some spirits there from dying people. Maybe there isn't any in the pregnant section? Or maybe there'll be more, because of the babies dying in process. Gulp. You know, in movies, when you walk down hallways, and you heard some shrieky scream and you run LIKE MAD. Haha. Now I'm just scaring myself. Is it true, though? I've never stayed overnight in a hospital before, minus when I was a baby.

I just.. watched the part where Taylor Swift screamed at the end, and I was like ROFLLLLOLOLOL. Watched it twice and it was still hilarious. Oh goodness, I can't feel my stomach. D;

Oh, I think I'm going to end my post here.

Adios.

P.S.: I only like whip cream on my ice-cream, I can't eat it just like that because I'll probably puke big time.

First off,

can I say a Happy birthday to two people that's close to my heart?

Happy birthday, Akmar. I hope that, maybe, somehow you come across this, I just want you to have a blissful 18th birthday. Enjoy it.. and you always deserve more than I could give you. I would say I'm sorry; perhaps I am, but I take all the consequences of my actions, because at the time and now, letting go of you was the most right thing I could ever do. Happy birthday, love.


Happy birthday.. in a few hours of his timezone, to my first guy best friend and love, Joseph. I'm still furious at what you did to your foot that got you 23 stitches, but eh, what you said was so sweet, I couldn't even get angry at you. I hope you enjoy your day, and we both know I've been counting since ever. Happy birthday. (l)


To everyone whose birthday is in the last few days of October, I wish you all a happy one.


I wanna wish also, to my November buddy, Az, whose birthday is a day before mine. Remember what you said about our birthdays? That you were born in the day of the dead and I was born in the day of the reborn? That made me feel special, in a strange, odd way. Haha. But you are a good friend and I regret that the friendship had lost somewhere.

Hm... patching and waiting and reinstalling and reloading of Asda has taught me patience. When I came home last night from a small trip to the outside, the patching was still not properly done. I couldn't get angry, upset or whatever. I was just like, okay, this has to work. Somehow. Somewhen. Someday.
But then I guess it's fine, since I'm studying back my Maths. Mother said I should go back to Statistics -- meh, I'm one chapter to it, anyway.


Oh, and Happy Deepavali to those celebrating it today! Have a wonderful day, all of you. Celebration or not. My younger brother's going back today and coming back on the 3rd. My mother's on a week long holiday, yeah; I know.

This feels like a dedication post now, but, I want to say, thank you to everyone who has been reading my rants in posts, my mumbles and to my top read post, Welkomen, with 131 posts, (wow!) you all are amazing people.

Here is a random...trail of thoughts.

But I couldn't see what is to be seen. All I saw was the image of the girl crying. I stood my ground, holding myself with my forehead to the lockers. The hallway seemed to be disappearing. I'm hallucinating, I thought, this all couldn't be real. It can't even be a dream. I fell to my knees, trembling in unknown fear. Fear that I was slowly losing it. Past events had driven me up the walls, to my self-defence, I've always been alone and by myself. Losing it would be one way to put it.


"Alena... Alena!"
 I shook upright immediately in a hospital bed, my face to her shoulder. Gail Rights. I mouthed an 'ow' and levered back slowly. My doctor, and my childhood friend, had been holding my hand. I squinted my eyes, trying to remember what had happened. I was driving on my way back from a class... and a blinding light -- I got into an accident!


Gail frowned deeply. "Alena, are you awake? Can you hear me?"


I sighed, and asked the stupid question, "How did I get here?"


     "You got into an accident, you accident-prone person!" It looked like Gail gritted her teeth. "Thank goodness I was on duty, you're lucky I didn't go home just yet."
     I rolled my eyes and let the pain sink in before opening my mouth, grinning, "How serious is it?"
     "Well considering you're not in the ER, and in a room by yourself, you're stable. But you quite messed yourself up; your right arm and both legs are going to need some serious recovery. I'm surprised you didn't break your ribcage like you always wanted. And.. you're going to need a new car."
     "Excellent. I wanted one, anyway. But I suppose I'm stuck for a long time, huh?"
     "Big time."
     We looked at each other for a while, before bursting out with laughter. "I'm surprised you haven't given me a beating yet."
     "Oh, I will. Just as your doctor, I advise you to take loads of rest. By the way... did you have that dream?"
     I looked away to the window, biting on my lower lip. I have had that dream, consistently, for weeks, months, maybe years, I lost count. I closed my eyes for a while and glanced at Gail, "What time is it?"
     "You were out for three days, you mad child. It's 7am of a Tuesday." She brushed her thumb on my forehead, and I smiled lightly. 
     "You almost never wake up this early. You must be so worried."
     "Well.. I wanted to watch the sunrise with you. And yeah, what do you think? You ought to live in a bubble..."
     I giggled, gripping her warm hand. Looking at Gail and her perfection always calmed me down. The way her hair travelled down to her shoulder, the way her mouth goes to a flat line every time she gets upset at me. The way her deep brown eyes seemed to mesmerize me. I stared at Gail for a while and with a finger, she poked my forehead.
     "Maybe you were out for too long. Oh, look, the sunrise." 
     Gail and I both looked at the window as the lazy sun crept up from the hills, shining us with bright, and beautiful orange rays. I blinked, and I saw her. My little girl on my bedside, kissing my cold cheek. A tear went down, because it wasn't real. I lost my little girl and nothing could make her come back Gail reassured me that I could always get another child with James, my husband, but we both knew the chances were low and risky. Gail leaned to kiss my forehead, leaving me alone with my tears. She knew I wanted to be alone. I didn't want her to see me like that, as much as it hurt her to leave.
     "I have work to do. Sleep well, my love."




The sun mocked my acceptance to everything that has happened. 

Patching.

Ehhh. Waiting for Asda to patch files. Grr. Just 10% as of now. Since the other day, it went under maintenance (again if I should add).

Hmm, where should I start?


Thursday, 20th October.
The night before, I slept in early because I was struggling so much to keep awake all day long, I went to sleep at around 8pm-ish and woke up around 12 that day, my sister saying we're going out. My brain processed that, somehow, and I was all, "But aren't we also going out Friday?"
I was still sleepy, wow, and my father kinda woke me up again, asking me if I said anything. I replied, pointing the fact that I've been asleep until he woke me up. I had to go out with my sister to see her friends, because my father has some trust issues. Parents. Anyway, I had the means to go back to sleep and I was in a good mood (surprise) that morning. So yeah, and I was out. From 7 till midnight of next day. Long 17 hours, if you want to ask about how I feel. If you don't, it's fine, too. xD Probably too much walking after two weeks (?) of not going out.
I found out that studying Statistics would require me to have some sort of decent communication skills. Inside I was already, "I'm screwed" but I was fine over it because I somehow managed to convince myself that the fact that I'm interested in the course would make up for it.
And.. I had Subway sandwiches for the first time. It was alright, just something I was looking forward to. My lecturer lighted up my bulb. If you understand what I mean. If you don't.... then you don't. Haha. What do I care?
Since I got home midnight, I barely made it to bed. Everything seemed to be spinning and my legs didn't seem to be in the right place.

Friday, 21st October.
When I woke up the morning, I was groggy from lack of sleep. Awake at 6am and the sleep didn't seem long enough to make up for my fatigue. Somehow, I found the means to get ready. Friday, the original plan of going out, because my father instructed my sister and myself to fetch my younger brother, Radzi, from the train station so he can learn and afterwards come home by such means. And it's the city centre. Lots of places to ward off bad thoughts.
We (my sister and I) had to spent some time in an army camp while my father finishes his work there. Because, well, I don't want to tell you that. =P While in the library, I did as best as I could to continue from where I left off in that psychology book, 'Mild and Severe Depression'.

It's said that, some psychologist thought that aggression (am I getting the term right?) or anger, really, is one of the symptoms of depression. Because of the anger the depressive feel towards something, it turns into self-guilt from feeling angry and feeling that the depressive doesn't deserve to feel angry. I feel like that, sometimes. Reason why I'm trying to kill off orange from myself. Though I can't seem to. And that's a stupid excuse. I've tried several times scanning my eyes over things and the first colour I notice is always, always orange. Ugh. Maybe I'm just biased, like I had thought originally. But I feel somewhat guilty, because many people I know are always saying, "Doesn't orange hurt your eyes?" ... I get mad over it. Overly sensitive. It's upsetting that I get upset over being upset over it. It's my favourite colour, why do I have to think about what other people think about it? Then again, who am I to just do as I like? I don't know.
My blog is orange, blue and grey. Past, present and future. No, you don't have to understand it.

I saw a friend of mine. I don't know what I was doing; I was flat out fatigued and I was swaying a little. She just stepped in front of me and was like, "MIRA~!" I looked up at the person in front of me (I was staring down at the floor, as I always do) and saw the person I haven't seen in three years. The first thing I did was put out my hand to shake hers and she hugged me tightly. I was a bit hesitant, because I had... some drama with her. And I didn't expect to be recognized by anyone. I was caught off guard, but in a good way, I guess. I actually have been thinking of her; her birthday's coming up but the last time I ever talked to her was some months ago, about if she saw me pass her at this shopping complex. And the fact that her birthday is the same as my ex's, plus a week before mine. It's hard to forget.

Saturday, 22nd October.
Today.
Well, in the morning I was still exhausted and my legs felt better. A little. But..... my family went somewhere and I had to follow. Go figure. We (my siblings and I) watched 'Real Steel'. I must say, I was bewildered that I was crying at the end. Or maybe everyone else was doing the same, I don't know. I was just touched over the whole father-son-relationship-thing. And Atom's amazing! I enjoyed the movie very much. Killed time and saved me a whole load of walking. :)

Oh and, yesterday, people were staring at me because I had my mini-sized sword keychain stuck to my belt area and I did a lot of sticking my hands into my pockets, because that's how I am. Can't change it, too bad for you, eh? It actually hurt, being poked by it, plus an amount of pressure inserted. I'm thinking of sharpening, it, maybe, whenever I would get around to it.
And the hiccups. I don't understand. I always get hiccups shortly after I gulp down food (and I was starving by the time I got around to eating yesterday). We went to pray and I hiccuped. Maybe loud. I noticed that the surrounding women/ladies stared at me. I was like, "What? Haven't seen a girl hiccup before? Sheesh."

Today people were staring at me because I had my new headphones on. I guess it's because not a lot of people use the kind of headphones I wear. Especially not a girl wearing hijab. I know people stared and I tried not to bother about it, but I just noticed a lot of people eye-widening over it. If that made sense. And this little girl bumped into me. She had short hair, shorter than mine; just a little longer than a boy's cut and was wearing purple long-sleeved shirt and black pants. I was like, o_O Hey there little lady, watch where you're going. She passed along and was kinda shocked that she bumped into me. I tried to smile and she walked away.

Strange.


Anyway, I walked for three days straight. Not that I don't walk on any other days, but it's like going out. I'm not outgoing as many people have found out. I don't want to have to go out... at least not any time soon. I only HAVE three weeks left top in this house before I start my studies.

Oh, and I have to say, Lenovo is an amazing laptop. Like you can actually hit the laptop hard and throw it around (just not too hard) and it'd still be working. And I found out that there is one laptop specially made for games, only, called Alienware.

Radzi said, "My friend said he has Alienware. ...And he showed his tupperware and was like, "See? Tupperware"." I had to chuckle about that, and it does sound better than it is written. And you wouldn't understand it, and my sense of humour is hard to decipher.


It's 10 minutes to 11pm.. already. I'm gonna go to sleep, because thanks to my big mouth, I think I might spent another Sunday cleaning cars.

Absent.

Leaving. Taking time.


I'll be back.

3 seconds.

Every three seconds, an underaged girl is forced to marry an older man/teenage/guyingeneral.
Wow. Talk about statistics.

First off, a very... um, interesting article;
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/momentsofmotherhood/top-7-manners-adults-should-learn-from-children-2582548/

Very refreshing.

It's cute, when little children say 'please'. I just love it. I think that's important, that children grow up in a stable environment, where they feel secure, safe, happy and well-educated. I don't like it when they say, "Oh, he/she is poor, therefore the chances of them getting educated is rather low". Wrong. Your status doesn't determine it. Look around, open your eyes; most of the students who gets 9A+ are from a poor family background, financially-wise. And even if you don't go to school, doesn't mean you are not educated. You are just not educated officially. There are two stages in learning; conscious learning (things you learn at school, from somebody, etc.) and unconscious learning (similar to observant learning, where one learn by watching another person). And just because you do not have the means for it, doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse. That has got to be the lamest reason ever. Like, people can work towards learning, if they really want to.
It all boils down to your heart; whether you're sincere about it or not.

Anyway, I practically feel exhausted to my bones. I spent a lot of time in the morning in cleaning the two cars my parents have, as a request from my mother. The strangest, but loveliest, thing happened to me in the process. I got lost in the time, but I was just finished with my mother's car and I was cleaning my father's; I was sweating from head to toe and it felt like it was raining especially on my head. My father got around to opening the car doors (the doors usually like to close itself when I open it, mostly because the car was slightly tilted to the side) and inside, I was just hoping for some water but I reminded myself that this is just heat in the world. Not yet in the afterlife. My father, to my relief, turned on the engines of the car, which meant the air conditioning was on and all the muscles in my body relaxed. My mother, on the other hand, helped by cleaning the dashboard. I forgot completely about it, I was supposed to do that before I started vacuuming. Oh well. The whole situation touched me, I seriously felt like I was about to cry and I swallowed the tears before they could start building up. Not that I wasn't already in 'tears', sweat from my forehead trickled down my cheek and it reminded me of crying, from before this happened. Working on a chore always gets me to thinking about everything.

It's like from the article, reaching out.
My parents won't even help me with my homework and I have to beg my mother to clip my nails for me, just so that I can feel her touching my hands. Sounds slightly pathetic, I know, but that was the only way. Well, was, until she didn't want to anymore, in the excuse that I'm old enough to do it by myself. I shrugged it off and I didn't want to make a mountain out of a mole. Yesterday, I think, I walked past my mother and she was kind of in the way, so I placed my hands on the sides of her arms and pushed her slightly just so I could pass. I was thinking of hugging her; I've been wanting to for a while now. It feels weird, and that's the more reason why I decided against it again and again, she'd think it's too weird.


And... I can't help this feeling, but I'm so excited about the date. I've been counting since August. Anxious, much?

Now I don't know what to be without you around.

Spells.

I've had numerous, yes that much, people asking me about my chest pains.
I can't put it to words -- it just hurts. A lot. Like someone's trying to break your rib cage into millions of pieces, that's what it feels like.

Overall I can bear the pain. Most of the times, I have to. As of now, I don't remember the last time I took medication for it; maybe back in college days, because I had to sleep and not focus on my pain. I can tell you though, the first I had it, was when I was ten; it was a Friday night and I can remember the exact position and road I was on. I was in the back seat, in the left corner, just trying to clutch at myself, hoping and praying the pain will go away.

Someone once told me, "Sometimes pain is the only language people understand."
That must be true. Never ending wars. People hurting each other. People giving sympathy due to pain shown.

I don't like it, however, when someone is in pain in front of me.
It remind me of how helpless I am; I get difficulty breathing and I have to constantly ward off thoughts of close off my breathing completely.

Last night, was hard.
I don't know if it was because I stayed up until 3am, due to wanting to satisfy my online friends. I haven't been on for a while, too, and I don't know the next time I will. I stayed until I couldn't move my fingers anymore. It was weird that I could get up and get to bed.


When your breathing cuts off for short, brief moments... you have to struggle to keep on breathing. Several times I had to breathe out the pain, mostly because it helps. Maybe it was because I was close to passing out when I noticed (I sleep at past 3 and woke up around 5) but even moving an inch was hard.
"Suck it up and sleep", I told myself over and over again.

I don't know why, but I feel like crying. At the time, I was too busy being in pain to focus on anything else. Now that I think about it; I actually feel sorry for myself. But I'm grateful. Grateful that God made me through this pain, for the past 7 years or so, because I realize so many things having been through it. Somehow I appreciate life more and more, and I know that, even if I die tomorrow, now, today, sooner or later -- I lived through life at it's peak and if the time comes, I think I can let it go peacefully.

I get it, stop thinking of dying. But I'm not. I'm just saying. I thought the best of men is those who is constantly reminded of death. It's not a bad thing. You feel... repentance (if that means anything) and you feel like, life's not that long. They say to live life at it's fullest; I say live life through the roughest edges and corners. Because we don't learn at the peaks, we learn through the rough roads we travelled on and hopefully, it makes us into a better person.

Maybe that's why I go through all this. I can look back and say, I've grown up, hopefully into a better person than I ever was before. If I were to write a letter to my younger self, I'd tell her that she's a beautiful person, and just because she's different, doesn't mean that she's indifferent. She's not weird. She's not mad. Don't listen to what other people tell you, Amirah. You are your person. What other people is not satisfied with you, that's not entirely your fault. You're going to live your whole life trying to find the meaning for your existence. You'll bump, you'll fall, you'll cry and you'll rage -- but that's living. That's going to be you living your life. You might not recognize me as the person you will be, but trust me; out of everything and everyone you can be, being yourself is the best thing in the world. People are going to appreciate you, show you what love is. Most people you're going to come across is going to be complete assholes and jerks -- but just know that, through all of it, all of them, you're going to thank them. You'll miss them from time to time, but you know that between you and them, it won't ever be the same. So don't fret, you have lots of dreams -- we have loads of dreams. You'll find that, one day, life's beautiful.
And you're going to find that one person. That person to stay through your nightmares, the one who constantly loves you unconditionally no matter how much you're going to push her away, because you feel incompetent and a loser and that you don't deserve her. Trust me, I have a hard time waking up to it and wishing it wasn't just all good dreams. She's going to be your best friend, your everything, your whole wide world. And you're going to love her, cherish her, miss her, want her all the time. You'll miss her, you may sometimes hate, get into fights with her, get upset with her and be jealous of anyone around her. That's not going to stop for a while, but she's going to remind you; every second, every minute, every hour of every day of every month of every year of every birthday you will go through, that she loves you back. That she cherishes you, wants you, misses you, gets upset at anyone around you. And what you'll have is true love, Amirah. So hold your head up high and bash through every brick wall life put to stand in your way.
You'll come out bruised, battered with broken bones but you'll heal and become a better person. You should know, that I love you, too. You're not going to hear me say this a lot of times; but I love you. Like serious. We're having loads of arguments and hate episodes with each other. But I'm the one you'll lean on to in your darkest nights, just until she comes. I am you, and you're going to be me. We're the most amazing person in the whole wide world. Serious.

And you'll be called nerd by several people, and find that in the deepest of your hollow hearts, that they're right. No matter, we're the most amazing people in the world, you hear me? Friends will come and go, and you might never get over your attachments to the little material things you have.
And you might never believe that your parents love you. I don't, either. I don't know if I ever will. But trust me, you'll love them regardless. Regardless that you call them mother and father. Regardless of what you have to go through for your siblings, either, won't change the fact that you love them with all of what's left of your heart. The heart that's hers. We won't get it back, actually. Let me be honest; you won't want it back for a long, long time. Maybe never, who knows.

Spells are going to be the closest word in your vocabulary in your head. You're going to keep hurting and hurting and falling down for that person. You're never going to believe him, truly, ever again. No matter how much you want him, hear me, the love you gave him and will continue to give him, is never going to suffice and make the pain less hurtful. You'll shed tears for four guys and one girl. But not her. This girl is just there to play you and ruin with your head, and she might be successful with her attempt, according to how you get through it. Trust me, you have friends willing to die for you. There might not be a lot of them, I'm even still trying to figure who's true and who's not.

All in all, you're amazing. Keep onto this, and life will be a piece of cake. Even though you'll learn that you'll hate it. Fears? Not a problem. We're going to have issues with you being paranoid, but that's okay; most of the times, it is quite necessary.

Happy 19 days into your birthday, ten year old self.
Sincerely, your 17 year old self.

'Monstober'

Above title has nothing whatsoever to do with my post. Just needed a title.
I find it weird, October makes me want to write some many posts, five so far? That's a lot, considering my posting pattern has been one post per month up until October.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that, I'm close to ending my childhood, as most people would put it. Not that I'll get any more adult in the next month; it's just another month, another day, another birthday.

I'm actually exhausted. I can actually see the shadows and lines under my eyes getting more visible by each day. I had had a lot of thinking episodes last night, I barely got any sleep. I can't even play any games without the word 'tiresome' popping up in my head. This is bad. I haven't been playing Asda2, either, because well; most of the times that I actually feel like playing, the game lags due to overcrowding of people. Is that even a statement? ...Or even a word?


Oh well. I came across a date earlier on, and just realized that I'll be missing my cousin's wedding in November. Next month. Actually, using too many actuallys, are we? none of my siblings is gonna be able to attend it.

I remember my last cousin who got married (the first of my cousins, on my father's side) and what my aunt had told me. "You should get married, you'll get a lot of presents." I pffftttt-ed for a long time about that -- why would I let myself be trapped into something called marriage just for presents. I can always buy myself one. And that so doesn't sound pathetic. Not at all.

Well, it's a Thursday. Woah. Time passes.

• It looks like it's going to rain soon.
• It's the day that I'm gonna be up for almost the whole day.

I was denied my schedule yesterday. Yes, I have a schedule for almost everything; especially chores. I hand-wash every two days -- Tuesdays, Thursdays and sometimes Friday nights if I get the chance. I clean and vacuum the house on Tuesdays and Fridays. And thanks to my argument with my mother the other day, it is her job to mop the floors, apart from my room's, apparently. I have to do that by myself. I already argued about that with her; why doesn't she do it, since she mops the whole house apart from my room. Oh well.

So I passed out just after I cleaned the house. Well, I wouldn't say cleaning, I just did the vacuum-ing and I didn't realize how tired and pissed off I was -- being denied my schedule -- until I had laid down my head on  a pillow.

I retreated to not my room, mostly because the bed sheet in my brothers' room (if they're home) is orange. I argued with myself about that; why didn't I just put that particular bed sheet in my room if I had wanted it so much? My reason?

1. My brothers wouldn't want to sleep on a bed sheet filled with teddy bears.
2. My sister would hate orange.
3. I would be pissed off if anyone came to me for the above two reasons.

So yeah, it was nice. To be in a place I wanted to be in. Of course, my mother made a remark about that, about me sleeping the evening. I always do, by the way. Except Thursdays and Fridays, oddly. Apart from when I don't feel well or I throw an emotional fit.

Well, whatever.
I actually tried to reason with the fact that most people hate orange. I really, really, really tried to understand. But I couldn't make up with even one stupid, illogical answer. I shrugged it off, because it seems I've been too infatuated with it to be against it in any form whatsoever.

I don't like it. In fact, I hate it. I hated being denied the things I like/love/wanttoacquire. And it's not even me being childish. How do you live with being told that whatever you like, whatever your opinion is, whatever it is that you want, it is all stupid. Because that's what it seems to me. Everyone is saying -- orange is stupid. Therefore you are. That may be true, then I don't want to be smart. I'd rather stay stupid.
Because I can't kill that self of mine. I feel... serene looking at orange. I might get whacked and beaten to death about that -- but I can't change my opinions about the things I like just because other people don't like it. My life's too short; I'm not living it for someone else. I want to live my life. I want to like orange.
I used to think my mother was on my side. She was for a while. I used to think she thought the same way I did, and for a while, that gave me reassurance. That someone, out there, close to me, understands me. That didn't last very long. Sure, we have the same opinion on education. On books. That's why I find it very hard to get rid of any book that I have. Because it has value. My mother understands that. Well, at least she used to. My room is overflowing with books. So is the next room.

But I'm a little too extreme, I suppose. I can't even let go of my phone number. I can't let go of my phone. I can't let go of even, shards of glass and mirrors that I collect. I can throw away the drawings, paintings, sketches, doodles that I've done. Anything else, I can't seem to. And even though I do throw away those drawings and all, I find that I still have quite a load of them. And that's because I'm constantly drawing, painting and I keep it for some time before I go through them, get a plastic bag and throw away three-quarters of them. Sometimes, all of them. I have, nor see, any value in the things I make or do. But I see value in the things I've been given. I don't have a lot of them. So I figure, I should hold on to the last of these things.

I still have my farewell card from 2008. I still have my elementary school report cards. My high school's. The doodles my friends and I did when we were bored enough. And in hardware, I keep some of the messages, links, websites.


Duh, I don't remember what I was talking about.
Is it possible, though, to get rid of your own feelings? Maybe I can kill mine. The part that likes orange. The part that enjoy silences, books, libraries, hospitals and the smells of medicine and petrol. The part of me that's clumsy; that almost got herself killed at the same spot, under the same conditions and circumstances. I wonder, how do you kill feelings?

Why do I bother asking. Nobody's going to answer me. ... If one of the voices in my head did, I'd probably be horrified. Besides, I know how to. How silly of me. I could do it all over again.

What was I talking about again?
Who knows.

Home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AliYh7oWIU&feature=related&noredirect=1

Embedded was nullified. Oh well.


Hmm.. I don't find much interest in leaving the house. Only unless absolutely necessary. But I enjoy the outdoors, the warm sun, the cool breeze on my face, the way people laugh and play around. I enjoy people watching very much.

Last week I was out. It was just, one of those necessary moments of having to get out, you know.
But then I realized, being around a lot of people were terrifying.
I don't like it. Being conscious of people being aware of me. This is why I prefer the indoors; specifically in the room, where there's no audience, no one to judge.
A shopping complex, for one, have wayyyyy too many people dressing up, holding hands, having fun. I didn't mind all that until I'm in the middle of it all. It's like being drifted to a place where you're a ghost -- people keep on like you weren't around. But that's not what I minded. I don't know, I hate that feeling of consciousness. The way everyone was judging everyone else. Another reason why I prefer the indoors.

But sometimes that's a good feeling. When I want to feel lost, I shove myself literally into conversations, into a crowd of people. Where people don't notice you, where people didn't mind you. I guess it's pros and cons of being in the social life. And I don't mean Facebook. *squints eyes* Cough.


And yesterday was kind of.. a long day for me, I guess. I was in an army camp's library and I found myself back to the book I was reading the last time (around 3 months ago) I was there.

"Mild and Severe Depression"

I didn't get the authors', yes authors', names.


Basically it was all in the psychological views. Clinical practices. Examples of disturbed and troubled children. Did you know that most patients diagnosed with depression were mostly those who grew up with at least one or two depressed parents? Lol.. that seems natural, though. I can't remember what I was trying to say.

Reminds me of this particular lyric;

Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way.

 I spent a good 3 to 4 hours on it, and found that, even when I started not on the first page, I could only get as far as 160 pages+. I was actually bewildered. I probably stopped on the 170-175th page, when my father finally came around to taking me. Usually novels take me half an hour to get to the 200th page or so. Well, it is a psychology book. Mostly because I had to stretch several times and I was craning my neck too much, it was starting to get uncomfortable (odd since I was on a couch..) getting on the second hour. But I went on reading because it was that interesting. What I find most interesting that most of the symptoms fit me, apart from hallucinations. As far as I'm concerned, I don't actually hallucinate. I think I see things. I don't know. Just a gut feeling sometimes.

Like a feeling that a person, or thing, passes by you. You turn around and swear you saw something pass by but see nothing. That sort of thing. People, mostly girlfriends, have told me that, you're not supposed to look back. Or be aware of it, actually. Spirits, or something.

The only things I consider as spirits are the floating invincible things, mostly curved-shaped, that I always see when I look up at the sky and just stare. Well, I call them invincible because they're translucent and I don't find other people staring up at the sky like I do.

I remember one particular Sports day, the one that was on my 'Crushes' post, which was strangely the post that were most read, that I spent under the sun, looking up the sky with my head behind my head. I enjoy the sun that way. Now it's just too much vitamin D and you could get skin cancer because of the holes in the atmosphere, resulting in harmful UV rays.
Oh well.

Sometimes I go out, after too much staying home and be like, "Vitamin D! Ahh, sun. How I missed you."

Lately it's been raining so it's been warmer than usual. I don't notice the difference- just at night, where I feel like I'm freezing. Oddy. Maybe the fever that's been coming in and out of me. Maybe. Who knows.

Summaya = Piano notes. That is all.

Gratification.

As said in above, gratitude is a huge thing. For me, at least. Maybe that's why I don't feel so much for my parents, they don't show much emotion towards their children for one, and gratitude from them is like.... a miracle.


I wake up every day and I don't know remember much of what people, kind people, have done for me throughout my life course. That's why I have -- keep -- little things to remind me. Little things go a long way, don't they say that? On one of my alarm clock in my phone, there's this picture, that I keep, that a close friend of mine gave me. Ever since she sent me that picture, I keep it like it's my life. I hold onto it.

A classmate of mine once gave me a poster of Naruto. She knew I was sorta... obsessed with it, and she gave it to me. I can't particularly recall how happy I was -- correction, I always, always, ALWAYS remember how happy I was. In gratitude of her giving, I've kept it in my folder, as the cover. You know how she reacted? She was like.. "Wow, Amira, I've never had someone keep precious of something I gave them that fast."

Yes.


Maybe I got it.

I remember watching this show, where they said, that feel good emotion from buying a thing only lasts around 9 months, maybe more in rare cases. But experiences go a long way. And gratification is a way of letting a person know how much we appreciate what and how they did things for us.

I suppose that's why I keep precious of my phone. My ring. My possession. Particularly those given to me specially.
For my former best friend's 16th birthday, I gave her a bracelet. And guess what? She wore the next day. Guess how I felt? Even though other people coughcough say that it isn't all that pretty, I feel the world, because she thinks it's pretty enough to wear and show me that she appreciates the fact that, I went out of my ways.

Yes, so I'm a little bad in giving presents.
It's the thoughts that count, no?


Hm... Let me see.


Oh yeah, my 12th birthday present, a yellow, sorta childish looking watch my father bought me. Mainly because I needed a watch, and it was close to November.

13th -- a GBA SP. Of my request.

I'm not much of a demanding person, but when I ask, it means I really want it.

I can't think of a lot right now, the only current one passing through my head right now is my essay about teachers for my Psychology class.
I was, I admit, flattered that I got to read my essay to the sections. That's roughly 100 people in the room. Wow, ain't it?

My dream house project for Math class in Year 8.
Strangely mine got picked as the best, through democratic ...lol votes among my classmates and I had to present it to Year 7.


See, experiences when I feel... appreciated.

Three things there;

Appreciation.

Flattery.

Gratification.


Not that I'm saying you're supposed to flatter everyone, just use it wisely when you have the chance.
It really does go a long way.

If I barely remember my days, but I remember this even though it has happened for two, three, four, five years, what of other people?




Well.... This calls for a celebration! Third post of October, woo! Last night, I had an amazing dinner, thanks to PM's Budget 2012, my parents were in an amazing mood, even though my mother was slightly cranky before going out.

So I guess I should point this out, thank you Prime Minister for the RM200 you are giving us for books. On behalf of students in university, private colleges, community colleges and 6th Formers, THANK YOU.






... This probably means an election in the near future. Oh well. Gotta celebrate it before I think pessimistically. Wow... I didn't know I knew that word.


Cough. It's barely 8am right now, and I have loads of washing to do if I wanna make it before it turns to the Himalayas.


Guten nacht. :P

Crushes.

I'm feeling a bit giddy today, regardless of things going around me, and inside of my head, as usual. :)




This remind me, so much of my old crush.
I remember watching him going here and there, not realizing that I was staring.
Haha.

I remember the first time I met him; at the airport.
Of course, it started when I was kinda hating on him. And before I realize that I was falling for him, he was in a scandal with a friend of mine. *the irony*

Time went on, and it was my turn to be in a scandal with him.
There was a time when I was running down the stairs, literally jumping from one floor to another (I was on the fourth floor at the time) and my friend was in front of me, I saw him pass and I automatically stopped. LOL. Maybe I shouldn't have because I almost bumped into her. I was all, "Goddamnit, why now X///X"

And the times where I'd have dreams of him, were always me chasing him and he'll never be there. Always turns out to be some sort of hallucination of some sort. It sometimes upset me badly. I hated waking up to those dreams. Because I was only a little past 13, and it got me to thinking. A lot. Oh well.

I think the sweetest memory with him was when it was Sports Day. I recall it was... 2006-ish.
It was the second time, ever, he talked to me. Well, we had a laugh. He looked so sweet laughing with his dimples.. Haha. I was obviously so in love with him. Only he didn't know that. Or maybe he knew, but he just didn't like me like that.

The first time he talked to me, it was in the winter of.. 2004? or something.
I was surprised, because that day I just happened to drag my feet out of the classroom and I wasn't exactly in the mood of getting out early and JUMPING through the stairs. -.-; Yeah, I guess he talked to me because I was literally the only person around in the halls. He asked questions about the incoming Christmas concert at the time. The school, did concerts for the summer and Christmas. And yeah, almost the whole school participates. Especially nursery and reception. <--- Kindergarten, in two phases.

The next day, I was telling my friend -- yes, the one who was in the scandal with him. I remember saying, "I don't know what he said... he seemed to be talking too fast." She grinned at that. At the time, I didn't understand why, but I guess she saw through me, that I was slowly having a crush on him.

The first time -I- talked to him, was due to a dare, by surprise; my friend.
We were just standing up in the hallway, the same hallway that I just happened to be walking past when he talked to me, because there was a ballroom class in our classroom. Usually we have our lunch break in the classroom, the school isn't big enough to have a canteen fitting all the students. Only elementary children eat there; we prefer going out -- except from me.
She told me, "You are supposed to smile to EVERYONE and say hi". I couldn't help but groan. Only one thought went through my head, "What if HE passes by? @_@"
Yeah, and he did so I said hi and I recall him smiling a little before walking away and said nothing. I thought I was going to pass out.

Oh, crushes.
I don't remember the last time I felt that way; so happy, so content with everything. Not that I'm unhappy right now. And yeah, I can talk about ALL that because I've gotten over the whole thing. I can probably write out to a whole novel and try to get it published. Then again, I barely got two chapters of this story I've been writing...

Anyway, I think it's great that crushes exist. Not one-way torn apart love. Just... feelings for somebody who made butterflies in your stomach go wild every time they come around, every time they smile, laugh.. even the sound of their voice from far away, you know, that's them. Blah, babble at me for the fact that that's love. It's different to me. Crushes and love -- two different things. Love is stronger. Crushes are usually... people you feel that you're never going to have. At least for me. Love can make you sick. Crushes send butterflies no matter the day, the mood, no matter what happens. I miss that feeling. When you feel so much towards a person, all you wanna do is stare at them and see their smile. ... But don't become a stalker or something. xDD That's just way too extreme.

Not that I don't feel that way. :) You know what I mean.
I'm glad I wasn't born emotionless. I'm happy that I can't get rid of my feeling no matter how much I want to. I mean, I guess I can. But then my life would be too much of a bore.
It's great to feel something.
Numbness is dull. In some cases, that's the best thing that could EVER happen to you. And I understand that. Because I've been sick, terribly, just from over-worrying. -.- And that's because I'm crazy and.... yeah, crazy. xD


Yeah well... I got another post for October. O.O Wow! Usually I have only one per month.
Regardless, au revoir, my lovely blog~

Stranger danger.

Okay. This has to stop. My paranoia -- you're no longer allowed in my head. -___-;

It doesn't help that last night, a stranger came by. I even wrote a short... um, story, I suppose, about it.

Upon finishing the last touches of cleaning mother's car, I saw a silver car stopping right around my neighbour's house at the corner of my eyes. I proceeded towards the house gate and picked up the yellow cloth that father had hung. Then the stranger's car blinked red, showing signs that it was going to reverse. The driver must have been lost, I calculated as at the moment they saw me; the car turned around and stopped, once again, in front of my house now. I quickly turned back and was about to make a run for it, my kidnapping paranoia would have kicked in -- I don't know why it hadn't.

     The driver got out and waved a hand, as if absorbing the fact that a stranger at a house would have scared a teenage girl right after finishing her chore. Great. He flashed a smile, probably nervous. He walked a few steps after the wide opened gate and I, hesitantly, nudged myself towards the stranger. Something around his neck caught my eyes, and I somewhat eased my muscles.

    "Street 36," he started, "May I ask where that is?" He was looking at his phone; seemed to be looking for a relative's house. Maybe a friend's. Or someone's house to kidnap a person and... I shook my sudden thoughts away, my mouth a flat line.

    "Um..." I gritted my teeth and quickly turned on the engines in my brain. "Just behind this street. This is Street 35."

     "Around the back?" I saw him swallow slightly, almost frowning, but still his eyes were fixated on his phone. "Do I go from this street...?” He pointed to the street right next to my house. “Number 50, Street 35."

     "Yeah," I replied. "It shouldn't be hard to find." I mentally rubbed the back of my neck, awaiting his departure anxiously.

     "Okay. Thanks." He gave me a swift smile and got back into his car, immediately driving away. I sighed a relief, and slumped back into the house. Mother would've asked of the stranger's identity, and why I had trusted him enough to talk to him -- but she wasn't aware of the situation. I almost laughed at my earlier expression; it's just that you don't find many men willing to go around asking, a young girl in the neighbourhood at that, for directions. Father would've been too egoistical -- it'd hurt his 'pride' too much.

     It was a good thing that I had gathered all the ‘equipment’; vacuum cleaner, power socket and many more back into the house because all that was left for me to do, after that dreadful scenario, was to drag my feet in.

Call me scared. Call me paranoid. I don't care -- I was seriously fricking scared. And a while ago, I sent Danneh to kindergarten, and as usual, by walking. On my way back, my pulse was racing, and it wasn't even because I was running. I had to calm myself down, and then it happened.

A man, on a motorcycle, who I swear, just passed me, appeared beside me. I was ready to scream, but again, it was a smile. All my muscles were tense, and if it wasn't for the fact that I was listening to music, his voice would have lingered in my mind now. Thankfully.

I guess he wanted to give me a ride. I couldn't really make out what he was saying; I was too busy trying to focus on Rain singing in my ears so I wouldn't burst out in tears and I struggled on breathing. I walked away, then he came around AGAIN. I was like, "WTF. Leave me alone before I seriously cry, right here and right now."

Again I had no idea what he said, only the fact that he wanted to give me a ride. Maybe he asked me where I was going, now that I think about it, but at that time, I really couldn't make out what he was saying. I shook my head, and finally, he went away. I may have destroyed my teeth from gritting too much now, but I don't care. When I finally got to my house, I was so relieved. So, so relieved.

My paranoia, it seems, isn't just all in my head. It was real -- and truly scary. It's frightening what fear can do to you.

Maybe it's socio phobia, fear of people in general. Or maybe recent events have just.... tortured my mind. Slightly. My counsellor would've told me to relax and clear my head. Surely this has gone too far. She would've even considered giving me therapy, treatments, and a long phase on counselling. 

Okay, Amira, see, it's not that hard. Just clear my head. Great. Easier said than done.

I need someone to pat me on the head. Maybe that'll ease me up. Or a nap. That sounds nice.

"But right now I wish you were here."

Okay, haha, I seriously can't stop listening to Avril Lavigne's song, Wish you were here.

Third day since I left hostel. Since I left KPTM. Feeling? ... No words.
Okay, fine, I admit; I'm still a little hesitant about leaving, leaving everything, my friend, the course. And now I'm here, blogging about it. I was just about to do some IT applications notes and then I realized, I have been wanting to blog for a while now. So.


Yeah... Where should I start?
I'm starting to feel edgy. I feel like lashing out at some random person. Some random thing. This morning I did some running, just to sweat it all out. It worked, to some extend. But now I'm starting to feel down again. I don't know; even if I try to cry, or something along the lines, the tears wouldn't come. I just can't get this out of my head. And I don't even know what 'this' is. Feelings are hard sometimes, aren't they?

By the way,
Mother has bought her Mazda2. *shrugs* Because Mazda3 is about RM10 grand more expensive, I guess that's why.


And all these thoughts about school and all, brought me back to my elementary days. My kindergarten years. The worst part about my childhood. I dreaded it so much, just thinking about it right now makes me feel like something is tearing my flesh apart, trying to get at my literal heart. Like that. Well, it wasn't that bad, I just had very bad experiences regarding them.

And you know what they say; experience is a good teacher.

It started like this. I wasn't such a bright little girl.  I was shy and I had no possible idea how to make friends. So I was always by myself, and that's how I started talking to myself. Believing that somehow, there's another part of me. (FYI, I still believe so.) And then I became an outcast. I still remember how other kids would intentionally leave me behind and I couldn't take part in any of their games or activities. And I humbly accepted it. Surely because I was fine that way; nothing needed to change. Friends or not, I thought, I am getting through life. Even if it means all by myself.
But kindergarten wasn't easy, I must admit. Probably because I didn't have any friends. I had no getaway from the fact that my parents weren't always home. I was left with a babysitter; me, my big brother and sister. And I HATED it. So one day, I suppose, I had enough; my father was sending me to kindergarten, and I refused to go. I tried to run away, I struggled so hard; the teacher who tried to take me away became the victim of my biting. I bit her hand. Since that incident, I became more of an outcast. Nobody wanted to be friends with me any longer and it was all my fault.

I never realized this until I actually spelled it out. It was my fault, huh?

Then it was brought along to my elementary years. I started out fine, my grades were as best as an elementary kid could accomplish. But then I started to have a fit again and it all went down the drain. From being an outcast to being the freak who didn't like school. I didn't mind it; I spent most of my days there, anyhow. From 6am till 6pm. It was like a combined school and the only thing that kept me going through was the fact that someone, a 'friend', seemingly accepted me as her 'friend'. It didn't take me long after that to realize that, and it gave me the fit. And then I hated school. I was alone at home, I was an outcast at school. Other kids pointed and laughed at me. Sometimes I have nightmares about it and I wake up with tears streaming down my face. It didn't seem unfair to me at the time, just because I couldn't get along, they separated me. There was like a line between 'normal kids' and 'strange kids'.
One girl had my fate. Only she was far more worst. She was almost treated like an animal. I can still see the look on other people's faces, and I knew what they had thought. That she was horrid. It wasn't her fault; it was just that she just born with a skin condition that made her face... um, different. I don't want to say strange, because I was also in her place. Sometimes I'd meet her and I felt sorry towards her. But I knew that she wouldn't accept pity -- if I were in her place, I wouldn't either. But I felt some kind of serene feeling, because somewhere, someone close to me knew who I'd been feeling. Of course, I wasn't proud of it, it was just.. I don't know, relieving to some extent.

Then there was this teacher who was the nicest person in the whole wide world, it seemed. Even after lunch breaks (luxurious lunch meals, I'd say, since it's almost always my favourite -- tomato rice and honey chicken) she'd treat the whole class to some snacks. Keropok lekor, haha. When you're a little kid, anything that's a treat becomes good to you, even if it's not all that expensive and what not. I guess she wanted my classmates to like her. I did, anyways. But one time, everything was thrown away. The whole class was being noisy and I ran away to the back of the class, wishing I could scream the screams away. I still remember how I retreated to the back, holding my hands over my ears because the class was being too much. And the teacher, unfortunately, couldn't control them anymore. She ran out, tears streaming down her cheeks. I didn't dare look at her going away, because it'd be too much for me. All I know is, after that incident, I never saw her again. :'(

I changed school in fourth grade and I changed. I suppose I peeled off my old self because I was given the chance to start over. It was one of those bliss feelings you feel; that no one around you knows what happened in the past, and they know you as you are now, not as the person you used to be. And they couldn't judge you for it for they didn't know of all that happened. But the bliss feeling didn't really last for I was still in the dreaded religion school (that most kids go to after their morning school). Worst because I was always alone. Feelings distracted me and I wasn't a smart kid. I had to struggle with my grades there, and just when I was getting better, I started another fit. I used to go to school all by myself, on a bus. But my mother started sending me when I started not wanting to go to school. I'd sit at the back of the house with my hands around my knees. Eventually my parents found out. Of course, at that age, sympathy wasn't something I paid attention to. But sure, one time or another, I felt sorry for my parents. I was this kid who embarrassed them.

Bla bla bla, I just remember this man at the stationery store (Koperasi, now) who started acknowledging me. As far as I'm concerned, he was the only person who recognized my existence. And I'm always grateful for it, up until now.

But yeah, when I changed school, I thought everything was getting better. On my part, anyways, it did. I got two great best friends who were always by my side. Literally, too. And I was always in the middle when they'd start quarrelling about something silly, with both of them telling me to not talk to one another. I thought it was funny. I became a prefect, when I met Nuzul and my whole life changed. First guy to EVER talk to me. Ever. ..... Ever. Not even for a question. But... yeah, things are not always as you want them to be.

There was this boy in my class who was constantly bullied. (Before I ever became a prefect) I don't know if it was because he was black, or because he wasn't liked by the other boys. Not that all the boys despised him, I'm sure he had friends outside the classroom. ... Or not. He'd be thrown against the locker (we don't have lockers, just one that's placed in every classroom), kicked around and such and such. Just thinking about it now makes me cringe to no end. Nobody tried to save him and as far as I'm concerned, my teacher wasn't too... um, how do I say this? She just didn't care. And that crushed me. I hated seeing it, but I couldn't stop it. Reason being that, if I tried to stand up to him, he'd be beaten up worst. Imagine a girl standing up to a guy being beaten to death. How would that look like? Only he wasn't beaten to death, he was just constantly beaten. I was always surprised at how he never failed to show up at school everyday. If I were him, I'd just throw a fit and demand to be changed school. Or at least do SOMETHING. I mean, you're being kicked around like some trash. Doesn't that make you want to run away?

Duh... I think I've ranted a bit too much. Not that I expect anyone to read this, I just like to blog to get this out of my chest. (: It's hard with a diary -_-; also since mine is too full of crush crap and all that. And I just generally don't like writing with a pen. Some things I do, some things I don't. I always seem to remember the fact that my mother used to be mad at me for writing for my left hand. *shrugs*

I guess I'm ending it here.
Au revoir, moi cherie.

'Kancil'.

I just drove one. Yes, this baby up here.

Haha, funny story; two times I've been driving it, it stops just as I finished driving.

I completely forget that you were supposed to hold on to the clutch as you park.

Well, in self-defense, I'm not a very good driver and I don't remember these things.

What's even funnier is that, the first time I drove it, my father actually let me drive.

I actually was just kidding with him.

The story is this;

My mother wants to buy a new car. Several times I asked for it, but she had/has every good reason to say 'no'. First of all, the car's almost 10 years old. Secondly, who would pay for the road tax? Car insurance? I'm still studying and I'm far from getting a job.

So.

Last Sunday, after picking me up from the hostel, my parents went into this... car showroom place. You know, with the salesmen and all. And being myself, I laid around the couch with my baby brother and listened to the music in my phone. Reason being, I hate listening to all the haggling and empty promises. It's best that I don't ruin my perfectly good mood that day.

And, I suppose my parents decided to not buy the Mazda3 car there.

Lemme get the picture for you...

Ain't she cute? Cool, too. The steering wheel is just.. dashing. There's just no other word for it.

And so, from wanting to buy the beau, my mother would have to sell her current car. Because no matter how my sister would need one for her next semester for university, we don't really need three cars. Two is more than enough.

And since, my mother wants to sell off her car, she'd need one to go to work/school. So the person (according to my father's telling last night, the guy's a pilot. Woo.) gave us the Kancil, or maybe the guy (third party/my father's friend) provided us, until the Pilot guy can pay my mother her money. I don't know the exact number, but from what I heard from the salesperson last Sunday, around RM11K.

So... there's this, neither of my parents dare to drive the Kancil. Since it's manual. According to my mother, small cars are usually manual, with the gears and all, or else if it's automatic, it might become too much of a heavy load. Thus related to problems going uphill and stuff. Just like when you go uphill with a small car, and you turn on the air conditioning too high. Either you're stuck up there, or you don't even stand a stand to climb the said hill. Lol. Have fun trying that out.

My parents don't dare drive the car, but when it comes to me driving it, my father likes to criticize or just won't shut up. Sorry, that sounds rude, but that's exactly how it is. I'd like to see him drive the Kancil without the car dying halfway.

Meh.

Now let's go to another story!

I'm actually just back from driving and sending my baby brother, Danneh. I think I was too nervous while driving, but I had fun, since I went around to driving in front of my last high school. Ah, the memories I had there. The place where I met Eka, and all of my wonderful classmates and schoolmates. Arina and all of them.. Damn, I miss them. Oh well.

It took me almost an hour trying to wake Danneh up. I don't mean to spoil him by being too nice to him -- I'm just not always nice to him. Besides, I've been busy with studying, and we haven't gotten ready together for a long while.

Then I fixed up his breakfast (though he's 'fasting'. He fasts like... half-day max) and we set off. I was a bit hesitant, but it got better along the way while I was driving. I'm starting to get comfortable, honestly. My father even offered to give me the car keys to let me drive, but it was late last night and I wanted a good night's sleep -- something I don't always get to have. Though his reason was great; that he said I needed to get used to driving. Don't know why. It's not like I'd be able to drive after the car's returned and mother getting her new car. Unless he has other plans that I don't want to think of right now.

And yeah, now I'm back home and blogging, obviously.

Lmao, 'Like a G6' by The Far East Movement is playing right now. It reminds me of this video of the two girls in my hostel dancing to it. LOL. 'From too much studying'. Oh yeah. Too much studying makes me go crazy, too. That's why I need some time off after every hour to stimulate my mind, by playing games on my phone or just a walk around in my room.

Well...

Yesterday I got this offer from UiTM, and it made me have second thoughts. In the end, after much talking from my parents and my wife and some friends, I decided that by going would be the best for me. Besides, the only thing I was afraid of, was that I might not find enjoyment in Statistics as I enjoyed TESL. I mean, probably because I am relatively good in English in general. But since I always underestimate myself (proven that, even when I've studied like forever for the tests and exams I've had, I always seem to get the highest/one of the highest marks and I'd find the questions too easy and I even laughed a little at them) I gathered up the confidence, that yes, I can do Statistics. I love maths, so what the hell? Who cares if it's considered a boring course to most people I know? My parents said it'd be easy to get a job -- bank, anything to do with money and along the line. I only hope that this is the best for me, and that Allah is satisfied with the many prayers I've given Him. Sometimes Allah is the only one you have. True, for me, at least.

Hmm.. 'Skyscraper' by Demi Lovato is now playing. This song always gives me inspiration and hope.

Though I'm sad to end, I think the few reading this would have enough of my rantings.

I end my post here.

Yours truly,

Nureh.

New day.

New beginning. New... whatever, new.

I feel weird every time I start to write on my blog. Probably been missing it out for too long, that I actually feel guilty coming back to it, and having it welcome me with opened arms. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Oh well. Maybe it's just my morning mood, plus the fact that my morning class has been canceled. All that 'I need to get up early on Wednesday' gone to waste.

By the way,

my blog is the only place left that I have to remind me of him. Yes, him.

Ahh.. I don't know what I'm supposed to rabble on in this post... I just feel so tired lately. More exhausted than tired. I think my emotions glass bottled is half-way through falling down the cabinet. Too much emotions pouring out and being used.

I suppose I can't complain. It's the only way I know I'm still alive.

Similar to my scars.

The three scars on my right hand; one just on my wrist, were all made by the ones I loved. My best friend, my Zel and my Mimie. (The two later ones are my favourite cats, the ones I taught tricks to -- also the ones that were the most clingy among my other cats) Scars that are most visible, anyway. Meaning the ones that never ceases to go away. Just... there. Telling me to remember. The cries to help me go through the toughest days, the loneliest nights, the most broken down state I'll ever be in...

Like a small part of my wife. Yes, small.

Nothing can ever compare to her. She's just... totally in a different category. I can't even begin to comprehend how she makes me feel in words. She's just.. Maya. Not in a such a way. I mean, she's different. She makes me feel real. Alive. ... No, more than alive.

Chosen few people can make me feel like a person, but she makes me feel alive.

I cry for her, I laugh for her, I breathe for her. Only Allah can begin to comprehend my feelings. Because clearly, I can't.

I can't tell her how much I love her. How much I need her. How much I want to held by her. How much -I- want to -be- there for her. It's a foreign feeling. And if it wasn't for her, it's been so long since I've felt so loved and needed by anyone. Anyone.

Ugh, see? Every time she crosses my mind, I start doing this; talking and talking.

Endless.

That either means I'm too sleepy, or I've been thinking too much..

I feel weird today, have I said that? I feel extraordinarily weird today... Hm.

I stumbled upon this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) blog just a while ago. Which made me think of my blog. Which made me do this post. Lol. I guess you should blame it. Blame it for my babbling. Or you can put the blame on me. :P

Ahh.. now the headache shall settle in. That means I should REALLY stop and take a break.

Oh well.

I suppose I could go and watch some Detective Conan or something (if only it'd load!)

Till next... rabble, good day.

Today marks...

The first time I came home by myself! Weee. -Proud-

Haha, so, since it's my first time, ALONE, a lot of things happened. Maybe that's why I'm so tired right now. I should put that into consideration...

Hmm. Where should I start?

Well, I WALKED from the dorm to the train station. Coming out at 14:00-ish, and arriving at around 14:30. So then, since my friend taught me beforehand, I was happy to go around knowing the directions. ^-^ Despite my lack of directions. -Ahem-

And yeah, I got on board, arriving at the right destination and stuff, drenched in sweat. Yes, drenched in sweat. People around me would've thought I ran a marathon. But it eventually, slowly, faded away by time.

Due to my clumsiness, I had to check my purse several times, just to make sure I don't leave anything important laying around anywhere. That was easier since I just had my backpack and my purse with me.

So then, on the way from the LRT changing to the KTM station, I was held back by this guy. Of which, I was already before, the first time I came home with my friend. And I decided to give him a chance to talk and so on and so forth. He talked for like 20 minutes, when he said it'd only take 2-3 minutes. Haha.

I had my earphones on. -Cough- Since I wear hijab, people don't notice this. Some. Very few. I'm pretty sure a wire hanging on my shirt would give them a clue. -Shrug-

The guy is like some kind of... service thing. Lol, I don't really know how to explain it. It's just like that, service thing. Insurance, stuff. And when he asked me my age (beforehand he asked if I were working or still studying)..

"How old are you?"

Me: "I'm 18."

Him: "Seriously? I'd thought you were.."

Me: "20+? I know. I get that a lot."

Him: "You just seem so mature."

Bla bla bla. I really get that a lot. One time this man asked me if I were married. Shocker. It would've been more realistic if I had my gold ring on at that time..

Afterwards, I decided not to sign up, and FINALLY walk away, and was like, "Wow, he just spent 20 meaningless minutes with me. Woo. Thanks. xD" and right after, the train I was supposed to get on arrived. Just on time. Again, thanks.

For that while, I felt so exhausted. First, I was extremely thirsty. Thank God I wasn't fasting today. I would've felt so lifeless. Secondly, I was sooo hungry. I just had one decent meal for like, 3 days, I think? And the meal was so spicy, and sooo... whatever. I'm still thirsty and dying, by the way.

Arriving upon Nilai, I hurried to a shop where I purchased 100 Plus after convincing myself I REALLY, HONESTLY, needed a good, cold, isotonic drink. Wah, felt so good after that. But then I had to do more waiting, because upon my text to my mother that I arrived, she was just about to do her prayer.

So I walked around. Yes, me, who doesn't like clothes and shopping, actually walked around some shops. Particularly the flower shop, where I choked on my drink. xDD

Want to know why? I was drinking right before going past it, and... Adam's song 'Hi' came on and I almost, deliberately, spitted out the water in my mouth and choked. It's been so effin' long since I heard his voice, nor his song. (l) Brings back good memories. (:

Oh yeah, before I had purchased the drink, two girls came up to me and was like, "Do you know the way to Giant?"

I was like, "Giant Nilai?"

"Yeah, can it be reached by bus?"

Me: "I'm not sure, but I suppose you can go there by taxi? It's not that far from here."

Right after I said that, I was like, "Why the heck did I say that? We're in Nilai, of course it'd be Giant Nilai. -_-" And seconds after.. "Well, you never know. Maybe there's a lot of Giant around here that I might not know about." Self-conversation there for a moment.

I'm always surprised why people ask me these questions. Is it because I look nice and kind? Or is it due to the fact that there's nobody around to ask? I doubt that. There were a lot of people around. -Shrug- Maybe I look like a person people need to ask questions at. Maybe I should be a question booth now. Woo. From a walking dictionary... Well, questions booth is kind of like a walking dictionary, I guess.

Aww. I thought my rank would go up a bit.. ;(

Man, I should really get a drink.... I wonder if my roommates are asleep or not. They're probably not. =P They slept as I left for the train station, I don't know if they were even awake to take their laundry on time. Maybe I should've reminded them. Lol. I can't spoil them too much, though.

Like this morning for example, I woke up late on purpose. Especially since they said they're going to college at 11. So yeah, I didn't wake up as early as 7, also because I didn't want to go back to sleep afterwards. (P.S. we always do this. ALWAYS) So eventually I slept until I couldn't anymore and slipped away to the shower and getting ready. And then, Yan and Ekyne proceeded to do the same. It's been like that for the past two weeks that we've been roommates.

And I just realized why. Before I left the house, my roommates were talking and they were like, this morning I woke up early, but then I saw you guys still asleep, so I went back to sleep. I had to chuckle, because I kind of did the same, even though I'm STILL the first to wake up between the three of us. And we're always the last ones to go out. And especially because our class hasn't yet started. Yay for us.

Kinda, because WE JUST found out our schedule TODAY, and we STILL don't know when we start. I heard that we start Monday next week. Maybe that's true. Blah. I'm already home, what the heck.

MAN, I'm still thirsty. Gotta stop ranting about this in my spot and get my bum, and throat, to a drink. Haha.

Well, that's a mouthful. That's all for now.

~

Not afraid.

Yup, I'm not.

Yesterday I was at Mid Valley Megamall. My family and I walked for like 5 hours.. when I finally got back home, I could barely feel my legs. Though I still couldn't sleep after all that. Grr!!

Anyway, yes, to the title.

My mother and sister were looking at handbags. I'm not the type to look at all these stuff and things. I'm just not interested, sorry. :] I can walk with you, but if you're asking me to look at clothes, shoes, and all that; you're really asking for too much. Lol.

Anndddd... this song was playing.

I found myself mumbling to it... and this guy across me was rapping along to it. When I noticed it, I was like, smiling to myself. We were like singing along to the song. PS: The song is great! I love Eminem's recent songs. His rapping has really gone from great to epicness.

Oh, and to all my friends and to all the people leaving for matriculation today... Good luck! I'm still not sure where I'll be going. Still waiting. Haha, have been waiting for like 6 months now. It's okay though.

I seem to blog more; I don't know, maybe I just have more things to say, or I'm remembering my blog more and more since I'm gonna be gone next month. :(

I'm gonna miss my blog and my friends.

But I still have time left. Lotsa time.

-Out-

Blood.

No, I'm not gonna freak you out with some creepy pictures. (Maybe.)

Anyway... Hi! I've got some.. answers, I suppose. To my own questions.

The other day I was talking to my wife, Maya, about slitting wrists in the bathtub. Why? It's not because I was being suicidal or I'm thinking about it, or ANYTHING at all in the line. *coughs* Yeah, so it's because once upon a time, when I was in Form 3 (15 year old, for those not familiar with the forms), I stumbled on this book. Yes, I literally stumbled on it. I almost fell over. (awkward laugh) Nah, joking.

So yeah, this book was about this Polish woman with her family (I almost said 'he' there..) and stuff went on. Don't judge me, I don't remember half the things that happen in my life. And, yeah, so in this one particular chapter, her father, torn apart from humiliation (since they were living in a foreign country, you know how it goes) decided to slit his wrist.

And guess what? He placed his slitted wrist in a bowl of water.

Also, because I saw the video clip 'Perfect' by Pink.

The part where the girl, in the bathtub, with blood. Yeah. She slit her wrist, I came to that conclusion.

So it got me thinking... Why do people slit their wrists in the bathtub? Or the bowl of water? Is there some sort of explanation to it? Yes. Thank you Detective Conan.

Shinichi (Conan, the main character, genius detective [took me so long to spell that! xD]) solved this mystery, as usual.

http://www.anime44.com/detective-conan-episode-615

I won't spoil it to y- .. oh what the heck, I'm gonna spoil it to you anyway. =]

It's a two part episode (meaning the case had to be in two episodes [614-615]) where Shinichi and his friends went up to the mountain with the professor, Professor Agasa (sorry, I don't really know how to spell his name) and their car broke down on the way back. So Shinichi and the others had to stay whilst the professor went downtown with the tow truck. It started to rain so Shinichi decided that they had to take shelter. Bla bla bla, they went back to the villas they crossed before, and heard a peculiar tune. On a piano. Known as, Air on the G-String. If I'm not mistaken, it's by Bach. Yeah, Google it for me, will you? =P

On and on with the case, and in the end, the culprit had slit his wrist and placed it in a running hot water in the bathtub. (Again with the bathtub, right?)

Fuh, so long until the conclusion; this is where Shinichi (Conan, for those not catching up with the names) explains why.

Apparently, if you place your bleeding hand into hot water, or water in general I suppose, it prevents clotting of the blood. And I had to apply my Biology in here;

The Mechanism of Blood Clotting.

I have to take my book so that I know I got this right.

So, essentially, when you cut yourself, accidentally or not, the blood will naturally clot. Unless you have haemophilia, in which case; cut yourself and you'd literally bleed out to death.

I'm not gonna type out all the specifics, but I'll put some in as much as I can without sounding like a textbook.

1) When a blood vessel is damaged/cut/impaired, a tissue called the connective tissue in the vessel wall will be exposed to blood plasma.

2) Platelets that release chemicals known as clotting factors, making the surrounding platelets sticky, stick immediately to the connective tissue.

3) The forming of platelets becomes something called a platelet plug; that in turn, can stop blood completely, providing the impairment is small.

4) If said damage is severe, the plug has a backup; a clot of fibrin.

5) Platelets, damaged cells and clotting factors in the plasma (still with the blood) form activators (also knowns as thromboplastins).

6) Thromboplastins, acting with Ca+ and vitamin K, converts prothrombin (an inactive plasma protein) to thrombin (active plasma protein.)

7) Skipping out on all the names, in the end, the fibrin earlier aggregates, forming a 'bandage' over the wound, trapping red blood cells and sealing the wound.

The end.

And where's our question? Why slit your wrist and put it in running hot water?

Because it'll stop the formation of platelets, the proteins, preventing blood clotting thus making it easier for you to bleed out to death. If so you wish.

Long explanation and such a short answer, I know. But it's still good to know all those things.

Yes, so I'm ending. Goodbye.